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March 23, 2007

Opinion: That Redhead Who Sits Up Front is a Goddess

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial

By Owen Burns, University of Toledo Class of ‘08


An Artist’s Rendition of the “First-Row Enchantress”

I’m normally not one to freak out over a hottie. This campus is crawling with chicks, most of who are smokin’, so I know how to handle myself in the presence of some WISYOIP. (Sound it out, fucker. My roommate and I made that shit up last night at the bar. Stands for Wish I Saw You On Internet Porn. Yeah, we rock.)

But this chick in my lit class is no ordinary punta. She’s a red-headed goddess, and I swear before all who read this article that it is now my sole goal in life to tap that ass.

The irony of the situation, though, is that this babe is actually smart, so none of my usual game will work. Last week, when we were talking about Paradise Lost in class, and I was napping face-down on a picture I drew of a rocket ship shaped like a boob, she made some comment about “the existential dread of lacking communion with the divine.” What the fuck does that mean? The only thing I know about paradise is that it’s between this chick’s legs. Hey, that’s not bad. Nobody steal that line—I thought of it first.

I’ve also been asking around to see if anyone knows her friends so I can work that angle. So far, it’s been a bust. She doesn’t party, she doesn’t have a job on campus—hell, it’s past midterms, and I still don’t know which dorm she lives in. Lately, I’ve had this fantasy that she’s like, Lithuanian or some shit and lives in some desolate room at the international house, just waiting for a stud like me to come along and pound her in the ass.

So if you’re reading this, my angel, please know I love you with all my soul. I’d quote some Shakespeare if I knew any, but I don’t — my love will have to be good enough on its own. That, and my nine-inch wang. Booyah!

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Copyright 2007, Codependent Collegian ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Codependent Collegian ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Codependent Collegian ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Codependent Collegian ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

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