March 23, 2007
Opinion: That Redhead Who Sits Up Front is a Goddess
A Codependent Collegian Guest EditorialBy Owen Burns, University of Toledo Class of ‘08
An Artist’s Rendition of the “First-Row Enchantress”
I’m normally not one to freak out over a hottie. This campus is crawling with chicks, most of who are smokin’, so I know how to handle myself in the presence of some WISYOIP. (Sound it out, fucker. My roommate and I made that shit up last night at the bar. Stands for Wish I Saw You On Internet Porn. Yeah, we rock.)
But this chick in my lit class is no ordinary punta. She’s a red-headed goddess, and I swear before all who read this article that it is now my sole goal in life to tap that ass.
The irony of the situation, though, is that this babe is actually smart, so none of my usual game will work. Last week, when we were talking about Paradise Lost in class, and I was napping face-down on a picture I drew of a rocket ship shaped like a boob, she made some comment about “the existential dread of lacking communion with the divine.” What the fuck does that mean? The only thing I know about paradise is that it’s between this chick’s legs. Hey, that’s not bad. Nobody steal that line—I thought of it first.
I’ve also been asking around to see if anyone knows her friends so I can work that angle. So far, it’s been a bust. She doesn’t party, she doesn’t have a job on campus—hell, it’s past midterms, and I still don’t know which dorm she lives in. Lately, I’ve had this fantasy that she’s like, Lithuanian or some shit and lives in some desolate room at the international house, just waiting for a stud like me to come along and pound her in the ass. So if you’re reading this, my angel, please know I love you with all my soul. I’d quote some Shakespeare if I knew any, but I don’t — my love will have to be good enough on its own. That, and my nine-inch wang. Booyah!
Labels: lust, redhead, redheads, WSYOIP
