Codependent Collegian

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Hodges: Feminist, scholar, and lover of ass-to-mouth action

(Kingston, RI)—University of Rhode Island Professor of Gender Studies Tamara Hodges has dedicated her life to teaching students about the sinister injustices of patriarchy, and challenges her undergraduates to fight stereotypes of women that are so pervasive in today’s media.

But after a particularly grueling semester, Hodges has surrendered to her wanton desires, and has decided to spend the entire weekend watching internet pornography while tapping the vast stores of her wine collection.

“In my advanced courses, we often discuss how pornography is degrading and subjugating to American women,” Hodges noted while slowly caressing the buttons on her blouse. “But goddamn it, I’ve graded 47 essays since Tuesday, and I’m getting tanked on merlot and watching some hardcore fucking. I get pretty loopy on merlot, by the way, so some crazy shit could go down here in the next few hours if, say, a certain reporter were to stick around.”

Hodges continued to outline her gratuitous plans for drunkenness and voyeurism.

“If I’m still conscious at midnight, I might order some Cantonese food and draw a bath,” Hodges whimsically pondered. “Or I might just open another bottle and fingerblast myself before passing out on the kitchen tile. God, I haven’t been laid in months. It’s a shame some journalist can’t just tie me to the bedpost and pound me like he was piledriving a Union Pacific rail spike.”

Labels: hardcore porn, merlot, University of Rhode Island

Reeger, summoning the paranormal forces within

(State College, PA) Penn State sophomore Kyle Reeger, "hopelessly behind" in his studies, said that his last hope to pass all of his courses is to apply his nascent mind-reading skills during his exams.

"Listen - I haven't been to any of my classes in, like, five weeks or something, and I sold my textbooks for dope money," said the education major. "Unless some miracle happens, my extra-sensory perception powers are my only chance to get Ds or better."

Reeger said that he has exhibited telepathic powers "for as long as I can remember."

"When I was working at Wendy's in high school, people would come in and I could almost always guess whether they were Biggie Size people or not, even before they said anything," he recalled. "It was like God gave me a gift or something. My coworkers and managers used to get totally freaked out about my powers."

Left: Artist's rendition of how things will likely go down for Reeger in his Earth and Mineral Sciences 150 final exam

Reeger added that he and his girlfriend have been "working really hard" to hone his mind-reading skills over the past few days.

"Laura's all like: 'Guess what I'm thinking now?' and I'm all like: 'Kyle is a dork!' and she's all like: 'WHOA!' Then I read her mind about how she wanted to give me a blowjob, but she said she was really thinking about watching Desperate Housewives, which was still pretty close," he beamed, turning over a group of playing cards after a self-test. "My biggest issue is making sure that I sit near the really smart people in class. I don't want to be picking up on the brainwaves of some drooling moron. That would totally suck, wouldn't it, because you wouldn't know if you were getting primo test answers or not."

Labels: ESP, final exams, Penn State, telepathy

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

McQuewen relishes her geekiness in a campus computer lab

(Gainsville, FL)—University of Florida adjunct philosophy professor Dave Gibbons is, according to most, “a complete hard-ass.” Few students pass his courses, and fewer comprehend the heady insights of his lectures.

This spring term has been no different, and most of the 37 undergraduates still enrolled in PHL 410 are desperately hoping that the final examination will be their ticket to “C’s-ville.” That is with the exception of Stacy McQuewen, the class nerd, who has practically aced the course already due to her scant personal life.

“Yeah, I mean, I could take a zero on the exam and still have a B+ in Dr. Gibbons’ class,” McQuewen boasted while repeatedly sweeping her bangs behind her ears. “But I won’t do that. I’ll take it, of course. It’s just good to know that if I get at least a 65%, I’ll keep my A for the semester.”

Classmate Olivia Truehafft believes that there is more to McQuewen's academic success than excellent study habits.

"I have it on good authority that the skanky cunt has been giving old man Gibbons a daily hummer," she said, pausing from her studies to speak with Codependent Collegian reporters. "Nobody averages 99 percent going into the final in this class. You couldn't score that high even if you could read that crazy professor's mind. I don't think even he could get a 99 on his own fucking test, the heartless bastard."

McQuewen’s peers, however, were not so whimsically optimistic about their academic fate.

“That little bitch has been fifteen minutes early everyday, constantly stays after for extra help, and never misses a homework assignment,” huffed Ben Cohen, a sophomore from Orlando. “So yeah, maybe I’m not A material—I’ve missed 7 or 9 classes, and don’t always take notes. But Jesus. The next week of my life will be spent nose-down in a textbook while that Stacy girl gets to lounge in her dorm room pondering a sex change. I tell you, this shit ain’t right.”

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Cathrill and His Whacked-Out Posse Circa ‘98

(College Park, MD) Like many of his peers, University of Maryland graduate student Ian Cathrill was quite the hard-core raver while in high school during the late 1990s, and affectionately considers the music of that time period to be “the soundtrack of life.”

Sadly, while the rest of the world moved on to more substantial genres of music in the 21st century, it has taken Cathrill the better half of a decade to realize that his beloved techno music is completely lame, and that the industry of cool has passed him by.

“Man, even after all these years, I still catch myself listening to all those sweet-ass albums,” Cahtrill remarked while whirring his hands around an invisible orb. “Prodigy, Aphex Twin, The Stay Up Forever Collective were like, the spirit of my generation. And by spirit, I mean the artists we thumped while rolling on E.”

Cathrill noted that the rave scene was not unlike the love-peace movement of the late 1960s.

“You know, hippies used to get stoned a lot and grope each other while rocking out,” Cathrill purported. “But while they spoke out against the war in Vietnam, and like, discrimination n’ stuff, my peeps were into glow sticks. And pacifiers. And block-dropping beats. And dreams of scoring a FFM orgy with some Ecstasy-scarfing hotties, eager to give me an epic blowjob. In fact, I still have some polaroids from this one party back in ’96 that’ll totally blow your mind with its coolness.”

And while Chathrill’s few friends have tried to illustrate the mounting irrelevancy of his beloved techno, it seems, at least for now, that Cathrill will remain firm in his commitment to lame-ass drum-and-bass grooves with scant lyrical integrity.

“Billy, they can slander me, my style, even the baggy cargo pants I wear to class,” Cathrill proclaimed. “But techno will come back. I know it will. When people finally realize how, how needless good songwriting is, they’ll come crawling back. And I’ll be here, my friend, getting stoned and eating Skittles.”

Labels: FFM, techno, University of Maryland

Subcomandante Bob knows how hard many of you are working to keep up with changes in technology. You just finish learning C++ and Visual Basic, and then - BAM! - the world hits you with a new programming language, such as PHP.

PHP (Hypertext Preprocessor) is probably the most popular scripting language in use on the Web today, for those of you unfamiliar with recent changes in Web programming. It is often embedded in Web pages along with standard HTML, although viewers cannot see the code, since it is typically used in servers.

The good news is that there is a company that provides state-of-the-art PHP training at prices that are affordable. OTG - also known as The Open Technology Group - has Zend Certified training instructors with over a decade of experience. OTG can design a training course on site for your organization, or you can send students to their headquarters in Morrisville, NC. When it comes to PHP training, nobody does it better than OTG.

To learn more about the PHP training programs offered by OTG, follow one of the above links. This was a sponsored post, for which Bob is very grateful.

Labels: PHP training

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH) Dr. Thomas Gutteridge, Dean of the College of Business Administration at the University of Toledo, announced this Monday that the college will accept undergraduate and graduate applications from chimpanzees, baboons, and other high-ranking primates for the 2005-2006 academic year.

“Well, it was only a matter of time really before a business program in this country started admitting apes, so we thought, 'why not be the first?'” Gutteridge remarked. “The business community is well aware of its reputation among other disciplines, so we figured we’d turn the tables on them. The bottom line is, if these young pooh-slingers can look good in a suit, maintain eye contact in an interview, and qualify for federal student loans, then by golly, we’ll take ‘em in droves.”

Many students decried the Business College’s decision as an inane and exploitive misinterpretation of diversity standards in higher education.

Dave Salisbury, a graduate student in Engineering, was quite vocal in his opposition.

“Are these business fucks out of their minds? I mean, it’s not a question of the animals doing the work. That’s a given. I’ve seen those old Ronald Reagan movies—monkeys are damn smart," he said. "And funny, too. Have you ever seen a chimp answer a phone? They just squeal and chomp their big horse-teeth. They have NO idea what is going on. That shit is hilarious.”

Labels: baboons, chimps, University of Toledo

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Parrish, moments before his historic marker usage

(Toledo, OH)—University of Toledo Professor Robert Parrish has, by most accounts, led a dismal existence. Single, academically modest, and shy to a fault outside the classroom, Parrish has few friends to bring zest or impulsiveness to his “daily grind.”

So it was with great fanfare and exuberance that Parrish awoke earlier this morning, confident that this would be the day he finally broke in his new dry erase marker.

“I normally roll out of bed around 7-ish for my 9 a.m. freshman composition class,” Parrish noted while sloppily chomping on a tuna sandwich. “But man, this morning, I was wide-eyed by quarter after six. The mere thought of those toxic fumes and sharply-defined independent clauses made me want to get this train on the tracks.”

Parrish outlined why this occasion was worthy of momentous treatment.

“Do you know what it’s like diagramming sentences with a mushy tip?” Parrish posed. “I do. I’ve been doing it with the same piece-of-trash marker since January. And while some of my colleagues whimsically change markers every week, I have the department’s best interests at heart. These things cost nearly $1.37 a piece—not something to take lightly.”

For their part, Parrish’s faculty cohorts in the English department have tried their best to let Parrish relish his marker celebration without mockery or pity.

“Jesus, it’s about time he got a new marker,” huffed Dr. Janice Holbrech, a medieval literature specialist. “Parrish is awkward as an altar boy unless you get him talking about markers, and then you’d think he was single-handedly saving academia from financial ruin. That guy needs to get laid worse than a pock-faced merchant seaman.”

Labels: medieval literature, University of Toledo

Subcomandante Bob knows a thing or two about contact lenses, having worn them for nearly 20 years.

When he worked as a character actor in Hollywood, he was a regular consumer of theatrical contact lenses, owning four different pairs to cover a variety of different roles.

If you want to read informative contact lens articles, or comparison shop for contact lenses, be sure to check out EyeContactGuide.com. This site has everything a consumer needs to learn about contact lenses.

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

The brothers of Sigma Tau thwarting cancer, one blowjob at a time

(State College, PA)—When Penn State’s raucous Sigma Tau fraternity pledged to help the university raise funds for cancer research earlier this year, their commitment was met with surprise and admiration. For once, the administration thought, the proverbially rebellious Greeks would make a meaningful contribution for the betterment of humanity.

This all changed, however, when earlier this week the brothers of Sigma Tau held their first annual “Gang-Bang for Charity,” where paying revelers solicited group sex in the name of fighting cancer.

“Truthfully, I don’t know what all the fuss was about,” remarked senior Jon Bateman, a principal organizer of the event. “I mean, some people conquer cancer through prayer, or herbal remedies, or those little Petri dishes they got in science labs. We just put our own spin on things—two dozen Kappa whores sucked and fucked for three consecutive days. And brother, I think that $2,019 we raised speaks for itself.”

Sadly, Penn State’s Vice President of Student Affairs saw the situation differently.

“I cannot believe these idiots had a mass orgy on a soccer field and charged admission,” fumed Dr. Richard Conners. “Why couldn’t they have a bake sale, or wash cars like normal college kids? Now I have to explain to thousands of parents why they saw their sons and daughters on the evening news fucking like wild monkeys. Maybe next time I’ll call the state militia and have ‘em go Kent State on these little bastards.”

Labels: blow job, gang bang, Penn State, Sigma Tau

Left: Sanjaya may have had secret life as a Seattle cabbie

(Seattle) The dubiously talented singer Sanjaya Malakar survived another elimination on the hit show American Idol, as fans instead chose to send home Haley Scarnato, of San Antonio.

An University of Washington med student, however, believes that Sanjaya is actually a local cab driver named Niranjan Singh.

"Oh yeah - there's no doubt it's Niranjan," said Patrick Lorrigan. "Dude picked me up every Friday night for 26 weeks while I was doing my clinicals at the UW Medical Center. The way he said 'Besame' last night sounded just like how he used to say 'Bertona Street, Mr. Lorrigan?' when he picked me up."

Lorrigan said that Sanjaya/Niranjan has always been an avid singer, especially as he navigated through Seattle's thoroughfares.

"Even back then the guy was a lounge-singer wannabe, tapping beats slightly off-tempo on the dashboard," chuckled the intern. "I'll say this much - the crazy bastard has enthusiasm."

Left: Lorrigan is "100 percent sure" Sanjaya used to shuttle him around Seattle in a cab

Lorrigan said that, while he has no plans to make a "big deal" out of Sanjaya's hidden past, he remains convinced that he knows his Seattle cabbies.

"Listen - when you ride in a closed cab in the winter with somebody for six months, you get to know them pretty well," he said. "And, with all that coriander and tumeric he dumps on his chicken tikka, you can smell him before you see him."

Labels: American Idol, Haley Scarnato, Sanjaya Malakar

Guest editorial by Jacob "Spliffy" Mattingly

Those who don't know me or don't know my stance on the dope issue will guess that since I'm a "far left nutjob" on damn near every other issue, that I would naturally support bong rights. And those people would be very, very wrong.

You see, I'm more like a libertarian leftie, like Ayn Rand smoking some doobage while listening to Peter Tosh. And you can have my bong when you pry it from my resin-encrusted fingers, dude.

Bong ownership is like one of those fundamental freedoms and privileges guaranteed by the 13th and 14th amendments and all those acts of Congress including the right to legal, social and economic equality. This makes bong ownership as much of a civil right as freedom of speech, freedom of religion, and freedom to wear one of those nose piercings that looks like a shiny booger.

I believe that the Second Amendment's right to self-protection, defense of liberty, and thus bong ownership should be granted to all those eligible including everyone of legal age, those who are not violent criminals, and those who like, totally hog the herbage.

Some statistics for you, while I take myself a massive bong hit:

1. Motor-vehicle accidents, drowning, suffocation, and fires each kill more children under the age of fifteen than do bong hits.

2. Less than one bong in 6 billion is ever used in a homicide.

3. Bongs are used for defensive purposes roughly 2.5 million times per year, almost 2.5 million times as are used to commit crimes. This amounts to 2,575, 974, 037 lives saved for every life lost to a bong. Just last week I hit my roommate Kyle with my bong after he tried to give me a wedgie.

So you see, my friends, we should embrace the bong not just as a conduit of THC, but rather as a symbol of the freedoms we all hold dear - potheads and authority figures alike.

Labels: dope, pot, Second Amendment, weed

(Columbus, OH) Saturday evening is a "distant blur" for Ohio State engineering student Craig Rzeznik, who accompanied fellow members of his dorm on a tour of Columbus-area drinking establishments.

"I don't remember much after about 9:00 last night," admitted Rzeznik in between trips to the toilet.

Unfortunately for the hungover sophomore, his excessive partying means that the contents of the Easter basket his mother dropped off cannot be consumed.

"I mean, some of things, like the Peeps, look pretty good," he said, lying on his couch. "But I yakked as soon as I tried to eat a couple of jelly beans. Not pretty."

While Rzeznik is a veteran of many night of heavy alcohol consumption, he said that this particular bout with booze-induced gastritis is especially worrisome.

"Dude, I am sicker than a gut-shot raccoon," he said after returning from the bathroom. "I think I am horking up actual pieces of my intestines, and I start to heave just swallowing my saliva. And there that chocolate bunny sits, taunting me, just daring me to nibble on one of his ears. Well, Mr. Bunny, I think it's check and mate, sir, but if the Rezman ever walks again, you are a dead rabbit."

Labels: Easter candy, hangovers, hung over

(Ann Arbor, MI) Tyler Westphall said that he and ex-girlfriend Marissa Dziad were high-school sweethearts who went away to the University of Michigan together in 2005.

"Everything seemed so simple, so perfect, back then," he recalled.

That, said Westphall, was before Dziad fell in with a "rough crowd": anime fanatics.

"Before she got hooked on that nasty anime, Marissa was a beautiful, loving person," he said, eyes misting over at the memory. "Then all she wanted to do was hang out and watch anime – and I could never get enough of those animated Japanese characters. Sometimes she would be up for days, constantly glued to Cowboy Bebop."

Westphall said that anime "totally imprisoned" Dziad, turning her into a walking zombie on the mean streets of what he derisively calls "Anime Arbor.".

"She always tried to act normal, but even the simplest things are impossible when you are addicted to anime," he said, looking off into the distance. "Her apartment looked like someone had taken everything she owned, shook it up and dropped it on the floor. You could barely walk through the piles of garbage, the dirty dishes, and the unwashed Dragon Ball Z t-shirts. It was like she was undead, or like someone had stolen her soul."

Left: Mythical anime lifestyle a far cry from the evils of anime addiction

Westphall said that it "hurts like hell" to see his beloved Marissa become another anime statistic.

"Everything she does, she does to get more anime, to keep watching that Japanimation," he said, flicking away a cigarette butt. "She stopped talking to her family because she didn't want them to know she was still watching anime. She only calls her mom to borrow money for anime. She can't pay her car payment, car insurance, rent, or any other bills because she spends all her money on anime. It's a sick, sick subculture, but I'm afraid we've lost her forever."

Labels: addiction, anime, Cowboy Bebop, Dragon Ball Z

Subcomandante Bob knows that there is no better feeling than a new love, especially when you find love in the springtime.

A visit to RomanceForEveryone.com, unfortunately, will not guarantee that Halle Berry or Brad Pitt will fall madly in love with you, dear reader. That will only happen in your delusional mind, or if you kidnap said Hollywood megastars and perform a lobotomy on them.

What RomanceForEveryone.com will do, though, is provide you the visitor with some terrific ideas on how to commence, maintain, or re-spark your love relationship. You can browse a creative love letter, read tips on how to put romance back into your life, or gather tips on eHarmony dating that will increase the chances that you meet that special someone online.

Or you can sit on that Cheetoes-encrusted couch, wearing those grubby sweat pants that are two sizes too small, and wonder why your love life is about as exciting as watching a Kajagoogoo tribute band. This is a sponsored post, for which Bob is quite grateful, but you should really check out RomanceForEveryone.com for your sanity, Bubba.

Labels: love, love letters, romance

Left: Cochrane would have turned Tehran into a sheet of glass

(Washington, DC) Georgetown University education major Tad Cochrane, speaking with Codependent Collegian reporters, voiced his displeasure with Tony Blair's insistence on diplomacy to resolve the hostage crisis, despite the fact that the 15 sailors were freed.

"Tony Blair needs to grow a pair, dude. I mean he'd probably go in the corner and cry if he had a boo-boo on his finger and shit," said a dejected Cochrane. "He's a total wuss and must make his wife miserable. I'm surprised he manages to get up in the morning and pick out what socks to wear, he's so indecisive."

Cochrane left little doubt about what he would have done, had he been holding court at 10 Downing Street.

"I'd have strapped the backpack nuke on my own ass and hand-delivered the package to Ahmadinejad," he said, boxing with an invisible foe. "Before you know it, VA-VOOOOOOOM! Goodbye, Tehran."

A more manly man would have nuked the Iranians

Cochrane remains convinced that a leader with "steel cojones" will eventually stand up to the Iranians.

"I still have hope that my boy George W. will drop a dozen big ones on those ragheaded sand Nazis," he said, pressing an imaginary nuclear detonation device. "But I can wait until 2009 if I have to. Maybe Hillary will show Bill who has the bigger schlong and blast those Persian rug merchants back to Nebuchadnezzar's day. Boo-yah!"

Labels: hostage crisis, Iran, sailors, Tony Blair

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

R.I.P. Tampon: 2005 (?) - 2007

(State College, PA)—When Tampon, beloved goldfish of the Sigma Kappa Tau fraternity passed away after two abundant years, his owners were crestfallen. The jacinth-hued aquatic companion had been with the Penn State Sigs through some unforgettable times, including the infamous "Exploding Dryer" incident.

But after their initial wave of grief subsided, the brothers knew they had only one choice: to honor Tampon’s death by throwing “the most bitchin’ kegger” Penn State had ever seen.

“Man, I remember the day we got Tampon like it was yesterday,” remarked a somber, if not sober, Brett Wilson. “It was a warm spring night back in ’05—my freshman year. We closed like, three bars and ran out of shit to do, so we decided to hit a 24-hour Wal-Mart and goof around. Me and [fellow Tau brother] Smitty ended up in the pet section; the rest, my friend, is history.”

The bereaved take solace in faith, fellowship, and binge drinking

Roland “Smitty” Smith echoed his compatriot’s heartfelt reflections.

“That fish was like, the heart and soul of this place,” Smith intoned after downing a cherry red jello shot. “One time this asshole stoner took Tampon out of the tank to stare at his scales up close—the guy was totally whacked out on acid. Anyway, our boy Tampon was out of the water for like, five whole minutes before Brett and I saw what was going on. We thought he was a goner. But sure ‘nuff, he just shat his stringy fish poop all over that stoner’s hands and went back swimming like it was nothin’.”

Asked if they would welcome another pet into their fraternity home in the near future, the Tau brothers seemed unable to see beyond their unfading grief.

“Another pet? Already? We lost a Tau brother, and that is something that isn’t taken lightly around here,” boomed a clearly annoyed Wilson. “I mean, maybe this summer we’ll talk about getting a ferret, or a dog with three legs, but tonight is about honoring a dear friend. And bonging some Coronas. It’s about that too.”

Labels: goldfish, kegger, Penn State, Sigma Kappa Tau

Left: Illegals getting the upper hand

(Baltimore, MD) Derrick Lingenschnauffer, in whose name is the lease for the house on West North Avenue, appeared before his fellow Coppin State housemates yesterday to discuss the critical problem of illegal immigration at the building.

"A certain group of slimy bastards from Poplar Grove Street - and we all know who they are - have been calling this place "home" without obtaining legal residency in the guise of actual rent," said Lingenschnauffer. "The tremendous social costs in the form of missing Doritos and backed-up toliets put the natural residents of this place in one seriously foul mood."

Lingenschnauffer said the residents of the house must unite to fight the illegal aliens.

"Each of us bears a responsibility to keep 1904 West North Avenue a safe and prosperous homeland," he said. "It is with this goal that we will install a card reader front door lock, as well as a big-ass fence to keep freeloading scum like Spliffy and Moe the hell away from here."

Left: Illegal immigrants lowering property values and being a general nuisance

One of the major hurdles the house faces, said Lingenschnauffer, was the "touchy-feely liberal element" in the house.

"Look - these low-lifes carry diseases, and they take up space that could go to actual cash-possessing tenants," he said. "I know how easy it is to feel sorry for them, but they take the money they save on rent and ship it off to out-of-town dope dealers. It's time we take a stand for freedom and our heritage, if not our collective rent and the leftover pizza they are always mooching."

Labels: Coppin State, immigrants, immigration