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April 13, 2007

Penn State Administrators Frown on Frat’s “Gang-Bang for Charity”

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

The brothers of Sigma Tau thwarting cancer, one blowjob at a time

(State College, PA)—When Penn State’s raucous Sigma Tau fraternity pledged to help the university raise funds for cancer research earlier this year, their commitment was met with surprise and admiration. For once, the administration thought, the proverbially rebellious Greeks would make a meaningful contribution for the betterment of humanity.

This all changed, however, when earlier this week the brothers of Sigma Tau held their first annual “Gang-Bang for Charity,” where paying revelers solicited group sex in the name of fighting cancer.

“Truthfully, I don’t know what all the fuss was about,” remarked senior Jon Bateman, a principal organizer of the event. “I mean, some people conquer cancer through prayer, or herbal remedies, or those little Petri dishes they got in science labs. We just put our own spin on things—two dozen Kappa whores sucked and fucked for three consecutive days. And brother, I think that $2,019 we raised speaks for itself.”

Sadly, Penn State’s Vice President of Student Affairs saw the situation differently.

“I cannot believe these idiots had a mass orgy on a soccer field and charged admission,” fumed Dr. Richard Conners. “Why couldn’t they have a bake sale, or wash cars like normal college kids? Now I have to explain to thousands of parents why they saw their sons and daughters on the evening news fucking like wild monkeys. Maybe next time I’ll call the state militia and have ‘em go Kent State on these little bastards.”

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