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April 12, 2007

You Can Have My Bong When You Pry it From My Resin-Encrusted Fingers

Guest editorial by Jacob "Spliffy" Mattingly

Those who don't know me or don't know my stance on the dope issue will guess that since I'm a "far left nutjob" on damn near every other issue, that I would naturally support bong rights. And those people would be very, very wrong.

You see, I'm more like a libertarian leftie, like Ayn Rand smoking some doobage while listening to Peter Tosh. And you can have my bong when you pry it from my resin-encrusted fingers, dude.

Bong ownership is like one of those fundamental freedoms and privileges guaranteed by the 13th and 14th amendments and all those acts of Congress including the right to legal, social and economic equality. This makes bong ownership as much of a civil right as freedom of speech, freedom of religion, and freedom to wear one of those nose piercings that looks like a shiny booger.

I believe that the Second Amendment's right to self-protection, defense of liberty, and thus bong ownership should be granted to all those eligible including everyone of legal age, those who are not violent criminals, and those who like, totally hog the herbage.

Some statistics for you, while I take myself a massive bong hit:

1. Motor-vehicle accidents, drowning, suffocation, and fires each kill more children under the age of fifteen than do bong hits.

2. Less than one bong in 6 billion is ever used in a homicide.

3. Bongs are used for defensive purposes roughly 2.5 million times per year, almost 2.5 million times as are used to commit crimes. This amounts to 2,575, 974, 037 lives saved for every life lost to a bong. Just last week I hit my roommate Kyle with my bong after he tried to give me a wedgie.
So you see, my friends, we should embrace the bong not just as a conduit of THC, but rather as a symbol of the freedoms we all hold dear - potheads and authority figures alike.

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