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April 8, 2007

Drunken Binge Leaves OSU Student Too Sick to Eat Easter Candy

(Columbus, OH) Saturday evening is a "distant blur" for Ohio State engineering student Craig Rzeznik, who accompanied fellow members of his dorm on a tour of Columbus-area drinking establishments.

"I don't remember much after about 9:00 last night," admitted Rzeznik in between trips to the toilet.

Unfortunately for the hungover sophomore, his excessive partying means that the contents of the Easter basket his mother dropped off cannot be consumed.

"I mean, some of things, like the Peeps, look pretty good," he said, lying on his couch. "But I yakked as soon as I tried to eat a couple of jelly beans. Not pretty."

While Rzeznik is a veteran of many night of heavy alcohol consumption, he said that this particular bout with booze-induced gastritis is especially worrisome.

"Dude, I am sicker than a gut-shot raccoon," he said after returning from the bathroom. "I think I am horking up actual pieces of my intestines, and I start to heave just swallowing my saliva. And there that chocolate bunny sits, taunting me, just daring me to nibble on one of his ears. Well, Mr. Bunny, I think it's check and mate, sir, but if the Rezman ever walks again, you are a dead rabbit."

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