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April 23, 2007

Classmates Resent Brown-Noser’s Indifference to Final Exam

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

McQuewen relishes her geekiness in a campus computer lab

(Gainsville, FL)—University of Florida adjunct philosophy professor Dave Gibbons is, according to most, “a complete hard-ass.” Few students pass his courses, and fewer comprehend the heady insights of his lectures.

This spring term has been no different, and most of the 37 undergraduates still enrolled in PHL 410 are desperately hoping that the final examination will be their ticket to “C’s-ville.” That is with the exception of Stacy McQuewen, the class nerd, who has practically aced the course already due to her scant personal life.

“Yeah, I mean, I could take a zero on the exam and still have a B+ in Dr. Gibbons’ class,” McQuewen boasted while repeatedly sweeping her bangs behind her ears. “But I won’t do that. I’ll take it, of course. It’s just good to know that if I get at least a 65%, I’ll keep my A for the semester.”

Classmate Olivia Truehafft believes that there is more to McQuewen's academic success than excellent study habits.

"I have it on good authority that the skanky cunt has been giving old man Gibbons a daily hummer," she said, pausing from her studies to speak with Codependent Collegian reporters. "Nobody averages 99 percent going into the final in this class. You couldn't score that high even if you could read that crazy professor's mind. I don't think even he could get a 99 on his own fucking test, the heartless bastard."

McQuewen’s peers, however, were not so whimsically optimistic about their academic fate.

“That little bitch has been fifteen minutes early everyday, constantly stays after for extra help, and never misses a homework assignment,” huffed Ben Cohen, a sophomore from Orlando. “So yeah, maybe I’m not A material—I’ve missed 7 or 9 classes, and don’t always take notes. But Jesus. The next week of my life will be spent nose-down in a textbook while that Stacy girl gets to lounge in her dorm room pondering a sex change. I tell you, this shit ain’t right.”

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