.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}
April 2, 2007

Frat Honors Dead Goldfish with Kegger Blowout


By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

R.I.P. Tampon: 2005 (?) - 2007

(State College, PA)—When Tampon, beloved goldfish of the Sigma Kappa Tau fraternity passed away after two abundant years, his owners were crestfallen. The jacinth-hued aquatic companion had been with the Penn State Sigs through some unforgettable times, including the infamous "Exploding Dryer" incident.

But after their initial wave of grief subsided, the brothers knew they had only one choice: to honor Tampon’s death by throwing “the most bitchin’ kegger” Penn State had ever seen.

“Man, I remember the day we got Tampon like it was yesterday,” remarked a somber, if not sober, Brett Wilson. “It was a warm spring night back in ’05—my freshman year. We closed like, three bars and ran out of shit to do, so we decided to hit a 24-hour Wal-Mart and goof around. Me and [fellow Tau brother] Smitty ended up in the pet section; the rest, my friend, is history.”

The bereaved take solace in faith, fellowship, and binge drinking

Roland “Smitty” Smith echoed his compatriot’s heartfelt reflections.

“That fish was like, the heart and soul of this place,” Smith intoned after downing a cherry red jello shot. “One time this asshole stoner took Tampon out of the tank to stare at his scales up close—the guy was totally whacked out on acid. Anyway, our boy Tampon was out of the water for like, five whole minutes before Brett and I saw what was going on. We thought he was a goner. But sure ‘nuff, he just shat his stringy fish poop all over that stoner’s hands and went back swimming like it was nothin’.”

Asked if they would welcome another pet into their fraternity home in the near future, the Tau brothers seemed unable to see beyond their unfading grief.

“Another pet? Already? We lost a Tau brother, and that is something that isn’t taken lightly around here,” boomed a clearly annoyed Wilson. “I mean, maybe this summer we’ll talk about getting a ferret, or a dog with three legs, but tonight is about honoring a dear friend. And bonging some Coronas. It’s about that too.”

Labels: , , ,


# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 2:49 PM
Comments: Post a Comment



<< Home
Copyright 2007, Codependent Collegian ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Codependent Collegian ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Codependent Collegian ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Codependent Collegian ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?