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April 2, 2007

Frat Honors Dead Goldfish with Kegger Blowout


By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

R.I.P. Tampon: 2005 (?) - 2007

(State College, PA)—When Tampon, beloved goldfish of the Sigma Kappa Tau fraternity passed away after two abundant years, his owners were crestfallen. The jacinth-hued aquatic companion had been with the Penn State Sigs through some unforgettable times, including the infamous "Exploding Dryer" incident.

But after their initial wave of grief subsided, the brothers knew they had only one choice: to honor Tampon’s death by throwing “the most bitchin’ kegger” Penn State had ever seen.

“Man, I remember the day we got Tampon like it was yesterday,” remarked a somber, if not sober, Brett Wilson. “It was a warm spring night back in ’05—my freshman year. We closed like, three bars and ran out of shit to do, so we decided to hit a 24-hour Wal-Mart and goof around. Me and [fellow Tau brother] Smitty ended up in the pet section; the rest, my friend, is history.”

The bereaved take solace in faith, fellowship, and binge drinking

Roland “Smitty” Smith echoed his compatriot’s heartfelt reflections.

“That fish was like, the heart and soul of this place,” Smith intoned after downing a cherry red jello shot. “One time this asshole stoner took Tampon out of the tank to stare at his scales up close—the guy was totally whacked out on acid. Anyway, our boy Tampon was out of the water for like, five whole minutes before Brett and I saw what was going on. We thought he was a goner. But sure ‘nuff, he just shat his stringy fish poop all over that stoner’s hands and went back swimming like it was nothin’.”

Asked if they would welcome another pet into their fraternity home in the near future, the Tau brothers seemed unable to see beyond their unfading grief.

“Another pet? Already? We lost a Tau brother, and that is something that isn’t taken lightly around here,” boomed a clearly annoyed Wilson. “I mean, maybe this summer we’ll talk about getting a ferret, or a dog with three legs, but tonight is about honoring a dear friend. And bonging some Coronas. It’s about that too.”

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