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April 1, 2007

College Rental House Addresses Immigration Crisis

Left: Illegals getting the upper hand

(Baltimore, MD) Derrick Lingenschnauffer, in whose name is the lease for the house on West North Avenue, appeared before his fellow Coppin State housemates yesterday to discuss the critical problem of illegal immigration at the building.

"A certain group of slimy bastards from Poplar Grove Street - and we all know who they are - have been calling this place "home" without obtaining legal residency in the guise of actual rent," said Lingenschnauffer. "The tremendous social costs in the form of missing Doritos and backed-up toliets put the natural residents of this place in one seriously foul mood."

Lingenschnauffer said the residents of the house must unite to fight the illegal aliens.

"Each of us bears a responsibility to keep 1904 West North Avenue a safe and prosperous homeland," he said. "It is with this goal that we will install a card reader front door lock, as well as a big-ass fence to keep freeloading scum like Spliffy and Moe the hell away from here."

Left: Illegal immigrants lowering property values and being a general nuisance

One of the major hurdles the house faces, said Lingenschnauffer, was the "touchy-feely liberal element" in the house.

"Look - these low-lifes carry diseases, and they take up space that could go to actual cash-possessing tenants," he said. "I know how easy it is to feel sorry for them, but they take the money they save on rent and ship it off to out-of-town dope dealers. It's time we take a stand for freedom and our heritage, if not our collective rent and the leftover pizza they are always mooching."

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