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April 26, 2007

Student Turns to Mind Reading in Last-Ditch Effort to Pass Finals

Reeger, summoning the paranormal forces within

(State College, PA) Penn State sophomore Kyle Reeger, "hopelessly behind" in his studies, said that his last hope to pass all of his courses is to apply his nascent mind-reading skills during his exams.

"Listen - I haven't been to any of my classes in, like, five weeks or something, and I sold my textbooks for dope money," said the education major. "Unless some miracle happens, my extra-sensory perception powers are my only chance to get Ds or better."

Reeger said that he has exhibited telepathic powers "for as long as I can remember."

"When I was working at Wendy's in high school, people would come in and I could almost always guess whether they were Biggie Size people or not, even before they said anything," he recalled. "It was like God gave me a gift or something. My coworkers and managers used to get totally freaked out about my powers."

Left: Artist's rendition of how things will likely go down for Reeger in his Earth and Mineral Sciences 150 final exam

Reeger added that he and his girlfriend have been "working really hard" to hone his mind-reading skills over the past few days.

"Laura's all like: 'Guess what I'm thinking now?' and I'm all like: 'Kyle is a dork!' and she's all like: 'WHOA!' Then I read her mind about how she wanted to give me a blowjob, but she said she was really thinking about watching Desperate Housewives, which was still pretty close," he beamed, turning over a group of playing cards after a self-test. "My biggest issue is making sure that I sit near the really smart people in class. I don't want to be picking up on the brainwaves of some drooling moron. That would totally suck, wouldn't it, because you wouldn't know if you were getting primo test answers or not."

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