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April 20, 2007

Student Finally Gets a Clue That Techno Is Lame

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Cathrill and His Whacked-Out Posse Circa ‘98

(College Park, MD) Like many of his peers, University of Maryland graduate student Ian Cathrill was quite the hard-core raver while in high school during the late 1990s, and affectionately considers the music of that time period to be “the soundtrack of life.”

Sadly, while the rest of the world moved on to more substantial genres of music in the 21st century, it has taken Cathrill the better half of a decade to realize that his beloved techno music is completely lame, and that the industry of cool has passed him by.

“Man, even after all these years, I still catch myself listening to all those sweet-ass albums,” Cahtrill remarked while whirring his hands around an invisible orb. “Prodigy, Aphex Twin, The Stay Up Forever Collective were like, the spirit of my generation. And by spirit, I mean the artists we thumped while rolling on E.”

Cathrill noted that the rave scene was not unlike the love-peace movement of the late 1960s.

“You know, hippies used to get stoned a lot and grope each other while rocking out,” Cathrill purported. “But while they spoke out against the war in Vietnam, and like, discrimination n’ stuff, my peeps were into glow sticks. And pacifiers. And block-dropping beats. And dreams of scoring a FFM orgy with some Ecstasy-scarfing hotties, eager to give me an epic blowjob. In fact, I still have some polaroids from this one party back in ’96 that’ll totally blow your mind with its coolness.”

And while Chathrill’s few friends have tried to illustrate the mounting irrelevancy of his beloved techno, it seems, at least for now, that Cathrill will remain firm in his commitment to lame-ass drum-and-bass grooves with scant lyrical integrity.

“Billy, they can slander me, my style, even the baggy cargo pants I wear to class,” Cathrill proclaimed. “But techno will come back. I know it will. When people finally realize how, how needless good songwriting is, they’ll come crawling back. And I’ll be here, my friend, getting stoned and eating Skittles.”

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