.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}
April 26, 2007

Student Turns to Mind Reading in Last-Ditch Effort to Pass Finals

Reeger, summoning the paranormal forces within

(State College, PA) Penn State sophomore Kyle Reeger, "hopelessly behind" in his studies, said that his last hope to pass all of his courses is to apply his nascent mind-reading skills during his exams.

"Listen - I haven't been to any of my classes in, like, five weeks or something, and I sold my textbooks for dope money," said the education major. "Unless some miracle happens, my extra-sensory perception powers are my only chance to get Ds or better."

Reeger said that he has exhibited telepathic powers "for as long as I can remember."

"When I was working at Wendy's in high school, people would come in and I could almost always guess whether they were Biggie Size people or not, even before they said anything," he recalled. "It was like God gave me a gift or something. My coworkers and managers used to get totally freaked out about my powers."

Left: Artist's rendition of how things will likely go down for Reeger in his Earth and Mineral Sciences 150 final exam

Reeger added that he and his girlfriend have been "working really hard" to hone his mind-reading skills over the past few days.

"Laura's all like: 'Guess what I'm thinking now?' and I'm all like: 'Kyle is a dork!' and she's all like: 'WHOA!' Then I read her mind about how she wanted to give me a blowjob, but she said she was really thinking about watching Desperate Housewives, which was still pretty close," he beamed, turning over a group of playing cards after a self-test. "My biggest issue is making sure that I sit near the really smart people in class. I don't want to be picking up on the brainwaves of some drooling moron. That would totally suck, wouldn't it, because you wouldn't know if you were getting primo test answers or not."

Labels: , , ,


# posted by Subcomandante Bob : 5:57 AM  0 comments
Copyright 2007, Codependent Collegian ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Codependent Collegian ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Codependent Collegian ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Codependent Collegian ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?