Codependent Collegian

(Washington, DC) American journalist Jill Carroll was freed in Iraq on Thursday, nearly three months after being kidnapped in Baghdad.

That news has Georgetown junior education major Tad Cochrane hopeful for dating prospects.

"I know she just got released and everything, but do you think I should call her?" he asked. "We haven't actually met, so that's a problem, but I could stop by the Christian Science Monitor and ask around."

Officials at the Iraqi Islamic Party said the journalist was delivered to their office in Baghdad's Amriya district at noon Baghdad time today. Cochrane said that he hoped that she is able to catch up on sleep before she came home.


Left: Journalist Jill Carroll, freed by terrorists but not looking her freshest

"I thought Jill was totally hot in the bio picture on the Net, but she had like big bags under her eyes in the terrorist photos," he said. "I'm not Mr. Perfect myself, but she kinda looked like a zombie with those dark circles. Maybe she could use a light concealing makeup or something, I don't know."

Cochrane had one other concern before he would agree to date the reporter.

"I know she said she was treated well by her captors, but you never know," he said. "I'm not sure I would want to - you know - be someplace where some smelly terrorist had already been. I'm a pretty understanding guy, but I have my standards." Paris Hilton

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Reno, NV)—Claire Kessler, resident fox in Erickson Dormitory at the University of Reno, recently denied her ownership of ‘granny panties,’ even though they were spotted within plain view of her closet hamper.

Study partner and sometimes sex-pal Josh Ritchie offered his perspective in an exclusive interview with the Codependent Collegian.

“I showed up about 15 minutes early for our chemistry cram session, and her room seemed messier than normal,” Ritchie recalled. “She had just gotten out of the shower, so I busied myself with her CD collection. That’s when I spotted this cottony blob. I swear, they were bigger than the mizzen mast on a frigate.”

Kessler’s roommate and confidant Pam Montgomery was not surprised by this discovery, however.

“The only time she wears the good stuff is when that douche bag Josh comes over,” Montgomery vented. “I know he thinks they’re ‘studying,’ but you should see how much time she spends getting ready. Maybe next time she’ll take a minute to hide those things under her bed like the rest of us.” Paris Hilton

(Toledo, OH) UT engineering student Marla Waiblinger sat down for her exam in Fluid Mechanics, thinking that she was well prepared. She had studied, attended all classes, and remembered to bring a pair of #2 pencils.

Unfortunately for Waiblinger, hers were unsharpened, and the lecture hall did not have a sharpener.

“I though to myself: Oh...my...God!” recounted Waiblinger. “I had 4 minutes until the exam began, and I was without a working pencil!”

Waiblinger asked her classmates for a pencil to borrow, but “they all just looked at me with dull-eyed stares,” she said.

Classmate John Henderson recalled the look of horror on Waiblinger’s face.

“That know-it-all geek was about to piss her pants,” he said. “No one wanted to help her, because she spent the entire semester sucking up to the professor. Plus, with her out of the picture, the curve would probably drop 5 points. Fuck it!”

Waiblinger next turned to the professor, who had no pencils.

She began to gnaw on some of the unsharpened pencils, but was getting nowhere with her efforts. Desperate, she began to roam from room to room in Snyder Memorial, unsuccessful in her attempts to locate the necessary implement.

“My heart started racing; all I could think about was how this was going to totally wreck my 4.0 GPA,” she recalled. “Plus, I don’t know how I would ever be able to face my parents if I failed this exam.”

Luckily for Waiblinger, she spotted a couple of stubby Putt-Putt pencils on the ground.

“I raced back to class with 47 minutes to spare,” she said. “I only got a 97 on the exam, but it was better than failing, that’s for sure.”

Henderson said the entire class groaned when Waiblinger returned.

“Just when we thought that God had given us a gift, He took it away,” he said. “What a cruel, cruel world.”

(Columbus, OH) Martin Balinger has taught composition for thirty years. Frequently he assigns Henry David Thoreau's Walden as the basis for an essay, and sometimes the pathetic essays generated by students provoke laughter among he and his colleagues.

A Walden essay turned in by a freshman last week, though, gets Balinger's vote for futility.

"The best part about this particular essay is tht the guy was actually SERIOUS," guffawed Balinger. "I mean, it's one thing when a kid uses the MS-Word thesauus and sticks in a phrase like 'shabbily shawled shoulders,' but this clowns writing is the most inept, pretentious bullshit I have ever read."

Balinger cited a few of his favorite passages.

"Here's a good one: 'Thoreau's thoughtful thinking thoroughly threw me through the threshhold of theory.' I mean, this shit is hilarious!" he howled. "Where the fuck do they come up with this stuff? It's not by mere chance that this student wrote: 'The hushed lake suddenly jumped out at Thoreau like a hungry tiger at a bloody T-bone.'"

Balinger is toying with the idea of contacting the Smithsonian on the writing sample.

"There's bad writing, and then there is Jacob Neimenn," he said of his comp student. "This clown's opus is a composition that will reign as a defining standard of rhetorical incompetence." Ben Domenech

Left: Lying sack-of-shit James Frey

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(New York, NY)—Days after admitting that several portions of his best-selling memoir “A Million Little Pieces” were fictional, author James Frey offered another stunning confession: he fabricated the results of a 1996 taco-eating contest at a Dennison University alumni fundraiser.

Frey has endured severe public scrutiny in recent weeks since The Smoking Gun reported that significant portions of his autobiography were embellished to maintain his “tough-guy” image.

However, this most recent revelation has, by all accounts, added insult to injury.

“I only ate six of them,” Frey tearfully gushed on yesterday’s episode of Oprah. “My buddy Trent downed eleven, and I lied so I could win a sixer of Bud Light. It was the act of a desperate man—a man with a low tolerance for salsa.”

Frey denied reports that his next book will focus on the taco-scarfing fiasco.

“My past is my past, and I have no desire to go back,” Frey sighed after a thoughtful pause. “Even though I ate like an anorexic bitch, I will never forget how those tortillas scraped against the top of my mouth. I hope readers will forgive my dishonesty and see the redemption that transcends all Tex-Mex cuisine.” Paris Hilton

(East Lansing, MI) Economics professor Melvin Stockwell confided to Codependent Collegian reporters that he hasn't exactly been the most productive member of his department of late.

"In fact, I haven't done a noteworthy thing in a couple of decades," he said, pausing to add a word to a crossword puzzle. "Once I got tenure in 1981 I pretty much started loafing."

Stockwell said that, at first, he was a bit ashamed by his lack of productivity.

"I got over that pretty quickly, though," he said. "One of the best parts of this job is that there's not much the university can do if I don't feel like publishing anything."

Stockwell's lack of enthusiasm carries over to the classroom.

"I haven't updated my overhead slides in about 15 years," he said, holding up a yellowed sheet with the word "Reaganomics" on it. "I'm sure that my students are getting the short end of the stick, but hey - this will teach them not to blindly trust everything they hear."

One of the bright points of his academic career, said Stockwell, is that he does not have to worry about retirement.

"For all intents and purposes I have ceased to work anyways," he said. "I have TAs do all the grading, and about the only work I do is to cash my paycheck. Why would I want to leave a good gig like this?" Paris Hilton

(Madison, WI) Through a combination of laziness and money spent on other items, University of Wisconsin sophomore Jake Dresden has managed to avoid washing any of his clothes this term.

"What can I say - I've been busy," said Dresden. "When you've got work, tests, and papers, who the hell even has time to wash clothes?"

Dresden makes use of what he calls "bachelor techniques" to avoid offending people with whom he comes into contact.

"Three of those scented static cling sheets make clothes smell great out of the dryer," he said. "Plus the heat from the dryer has a way of killing the funk."

Another favorite Dresden tactic involves his car.

"If you take clothes and hang them out the window while you drive they start to smell fresher," he said. "Nothing like the cold Wisconsin air through the pine trees to de-skunk a pair of jeans."



Dresden relies on what he calls the "time factor" with items like underwear and socks.

"If you let them alone for a few weeks, the odor-causing bacteria die off," he said. "Sure, they may not be the brightest of whites, but they lose their rankness."

All in all, Dresden said, he has saved over $200 this term on the laundromat and detergent.

"I may not be the freshest rose in Madison, but I have a little money to burn," he said. "If you are outdoors at a bonfire, no one cares, and when you get with a girl you're ditching your clothes anyways, right?"

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Austin, TX)—University of Texas sophomore Natalie Morris recently celebrated her unique, rebellious spirit by adorning her body with a butterfly tattoo while vacationing in Florida for Spring Break.

Sources close to Morris say she has been a “wild child” her whole life, and has never been one to conform with societal expectations.

“Yeah, Nat’s like, one of those people who just float through life and play by their own rules,” said roommate Jen Orton. “I think this tattoo is her ultimate statement…I mean, nobody in our dorm even has one yet—she’s gonna really turn some heads on campus.”

Morris appeared enthused by her new addition, and was especially optimistic about the seasonal possibilities it offered.

“I’ve been really hitting the gym hard these past few weeks, so once the swelling goes down, I can start wearing some old tank-tops,” Morris beamed. “I have one from 10th grade that barely fits, so it will show off my cute tummy. I swear, college is totally about empowerment.” Paris Hilton

(New Orleans, LA) Finding volunteer hurricane relief work "really lame," a group of Purdue University juniors departed in search of a better time.

"Hurricanes suck and all, but they were working us like Hebrew slaves," said Matt Perryman of Terre Haute. "We thought we could pound a few nails, haul some drywall, and then go out and have some fun, but these dickwads wanted us to work like 8-hour days. Fuck that."

About 4,000 students applied for "The Amazing Break," which is MTV's first venture into an alternative spring break, and 100 were chosen. Perryman said the project coordinators were "closet Nazis."

"If I wanted to get jacked around all day I would have gone home for break," he said. "Plus the only chicks who showed up for this thing were a bunch of Campus Crusade for Christ freaks with Jesus on the brain."

Perryman was appalled by the conditions in the area.

"There were piles and piles of yard waste and rank-ass trash collected from the storm on the sides of the roads," he said. "I said: 'You want me to pick up WHAT?' There's a limit to my generosity - what if I find a body or some weird shit like that. No way, Paco."

Left: Things got better for Perryman and pals

Perryman said that the trip improved after the trio left the relief campaign.

"My stepmom wired me $1,000 and we got a room in the French Quarter," he reminisced. "I don't know what came over us when we signed up for that cleanup bullshit, but at least we got six days to unwind before heading back to class. Thank God - that could have been a real nightmare." Paris Hilton

By: Banfu T. Burnside, Contributing Editor

(Chicago, IL) Local underprivileged youth Kareem Jackson has suffered another blow to his already scant list of privileges. Now instead of discreetly walking to the side of his fourth-grade classroom and signing out a bathroom pass like his classmates, Kareem must remain seated and indicate his intention to expel waste by raising a prescribed number of fingers.

"Kareem holds up one finger if he wishes to micturate, and two for a defecation," explained Kathy Birmingham, an eleven-year teaching veteran and Jackson's primary instructor. "The embarrassment of broadcasting his need to shit in front of 30 classmates is an integral part of the disciplinary process."

Guidance Councilor, Linda Dannhoff, expressed concerns about the situation, calling it "unfortunate but predictable."

"Children in Kareem's position who are experiencing a dearth of privilege may begin to act out, which results in reduction of privilege, and so on," said Dannhoff. "We try to interrupt this cycle by introducing supplemental privileges like free lunches. When Kareem gets to the front of the line he doesn't purchase his meal with money, he gets to use a special green ticket. And nobody else in the school gets to do that!"

When asked for comment, Jackson was apologetic, calling his actions "rash" and "short-sighted." The incident which jeopardized his privileges, also befouled the second-floor lavatory and left his fellow classmates "reeling from the stink."

Jackson continued saying, "I had no right to defecate anywhere but the toilet, it was wrong to crap in the sink and urinal, and soiling the radiator was just obscene."

Despite the seriousness of his transgressions, he remains hopeful that he may one day regain full bathroom privileges, a sentiment which is not echoed by his teacher.

"He'll not be allowed within ten feet of a turd without close supervision," said Birmingham, "and I've already phoned ahead to the junior high so I hope he doesn't think he'll get the privileges back just by graduating." Paris Hilton

Party prep swinging into full gear

(Evanston, IL) March 19 is three-year anniversary of the beginning of the war in Iraq, and Northwestern University junior Brett Granger plans to make sure the anniversary gets remembered.

"We will totally blow this bitch out with a primo kegger," he said. "My predicition: Someone's gonna hurl. I'm putting out 2 to 1 odds on Angela and 10 to 1 on Fletcher."

Three years after the US-led invasion, the Iraq war is dominating George W. Bush's presidency and defining his legacy. Granger believes that another legacy is at stake next week.

"We are most definitely going to out-party the 2005 anniversary kegger," he intoned. "There will be at least two more kegs here, another DJ, and probably 50 more bodies crammed into the backyard, weather-permitting."

The Bush administration expected to move on to other issues in his second term, such as Social Security reform, but domestic issues have taken a back seat to the Iraq conflict.

Granger said that domestic issues "rule."

"Yeah, domestics are preferred over imports like Molson and Heinekken at our bashes," he said. "We had a keg of Guinness that lasted a week after last year's kegger was over. The focus will definitely be on Bud Light and Miller Genuine Draft."

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Fayetteville, AR)—Southern funnyman ‘Larry the Cable Guy’ will finish his PhD in anthropology this semester at the University of Arkansas after years of heavy touring, binge drinking, and fart jokes.

Larry — whose real name is Daniel Lawrence Whitney — postponed his academic career to embrace his calling as a comedian, but feels that his years of observational humor among America’s redneck subculture will help him land a tenure-track position.

“See, I wear these two britches, the kind with stains and the kind without,” remarked Whitney in an exclusive interview with the Collegian. “Now that I gots my doctorate, I can teach young fellers about Mesopotamia and it don’t matter which britches I wear. Git-R-Done!”

Larry said that one of his favorite research topics is colonial India.

"Maybe that Gandhi feller used to sell beef jerkys and Skoal. We only seen him in pictures as an old sumbitch sitting on a flying carpet like he was fitting to fly around and bless crippled folks," he said. "Who the hell knows what he did early on. For all I know he coulda been selling small electronics out a camel pouch 20 years prior!"

Whitney’s friends are also sharing in his achievement, and echo their fraternal support of his scholarly pursuits.

“Larry’s one hell of a guy, and he’s going to be one hell of a professor,” beamed Jeff Foxworthy, one of Whitney’s close cohorts from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Foxworthy paused a moment before adding: “Y’all remember when I had my own show on ABC in 1995? Goddamn, that was a hoot.”

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Professor Gerald Stewart, department chair in Economics at the University of Toledo, regularly camouflages the harsh realities of capitalism by teaching laissez-faire theory through the exclusive use of euphemisms.

Students note that Stewart regularly refers to colonialism as “outsourcing,” insider trading as “tip swapping,” and exploitation of third-world governments as “the bartering process.”

“That old bastard makes $89K a year and has taught the same three courses since 1974,” huffed Jon Ponderosa, a junior in nursing. “I sent him an email last week about a tough homework question, and he never responded. I don’t think he even knows what the internet is.”

Professor Stewart’s colleagues are quick to defend his pedagogy, however, and note his life-long dedication to the educational process.

“Gerry could have chosen a career in the private sector, but instead he has spent the past two decades teaching these liberal pansies about Reaganomics and mercantilism,” observed Dr. Chuck Miller. “Maybe when these kids are paying that $3.89 trillion national debt in a few years, they’ll finally realize how truly brilliant our theories are.”

(Toledo, OH) Junior finance major Megan Vandersteen thought she was signing up for a "nice little Humanities class" when she registered for Intro to Philosophy, but she got more than she bargained for.

"All I wanted to do was kill a requirement and have some fun," she said, staring down at her feet. "Now I am all messed up in the head, thanks to that professor."

The third-year student said that, since taking the course, she has begun to question her values.

"I had it all planned out: BA, MBA, corporate career, CEO of a mid-sized investment bank, the whole bit," she said. "Now I'm thinking about crazy shit like the Peace Corps and social work. I want my old life back."

Philosophy professor Greg Schadenfreude took issue with Vandersteen's comments.

"Look, it's an intro course that covers everything from Aristotle to Foucault," he said. "It's not my fault that this whack job took all that stuff seriously."

Schadenfreude said that the confused student is beginning to appear threatening.

"OK, I understand the calls to my house and office during the term," he said. "But this psycho is hanging around my lake cottage, leaving treatises on my windshield, and even sitting next to me at Mass. I'm getting a little freaked here."

Vandersteen said that she would gladly stop pestering the instructor.

"All I want is what that man took from me," she said.

By Banfu T. Burnside, National Nitwit contributing editor

(Baltimore, MD) Thomas Roland set his child free last Monday morning at Baltimore Washington International Airport, during a trip home to see his parents.

"I was flying back to North Carolina to see the folks," said Roland, "and I just decided that I couldn't keep him in captivity any longer."

Roland released Preston, his son of eighteen months, back into the wilds.

"I just set him down with a sippy-cup full of his favorite juice, and a little bag of Cheerios," he said, wiping away a tear. "Then I watched him crawl away through the terminal."

According to Roland, he lacked confidence in his ability to competently father the child, a sentiment echoed by his ex-wife, Loretta.

"Loretta was always telling me what a lousy dad I'd be," he said. "In those moments before boarding, I finally realized that she was right."

Roland maintains that he had "no right to monopolize Preston's precious childhood," opting instead to let him roam free amongst the other babies.

"There was a Chinese kid at the other gate that I saw him playing with before I got on my plane," he said. "Maybe they'll be friends."

Though Roland's parents were initially dismayed when he arrived without their grandson, their shock gave way to cautious optimism.

"We hope that Preston will make better decisions than his father," said Arthur Preston. "But it's not up to us, he's his own man now."

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Reno, NV)—Ian Falco, a junior in Special Education at the University of Reno, withheld his silent abhorrence for children in wheelchairs for years, but was unable to conceal his disgust during this week’s hectic round of midterms.

“I’ve always wanted to help others since my mom was a teacher for 30 years,” said Falco. “But after five sets of exams, I can’t stand these emaciated retards anymore. They’re freakish and need to be burned alive.”

Falco said that a recent experience in student teaching at a special needs school cemented his thinking.

"This kid with cerebral palsy wheeled over to me and started honking like a goose, and all I could think about was smacking him," he said. "That, or taping his eyelids open and shooting a Super Soaker at the little bastard."

Falco’s close associates corroborate this profound disdain for the handicapped.

“The guy hates the needy, case closed,” remarked Sara Hubert, a former girlfriend of Falco’s, who remains his co-worker at a local Barnes & Noble bookseller. “One time I tagged along during his student teaching appointment downtown, and saw him pinch this girl all during snack time. I’m no psych major, but it seems like he picked the wrong profession.”

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(New York, NY)—Forbes Magazine, America’s leading publication on wealth and wealth maintenance, released their annual compilation of “Richest Fuckers Ever” as part of their enduring affront to working people and the unemployed.

Topping the list was Microsoft founder Bill Gates, whose vast fortune towers at a net worth of over $50 billion.

“Each year, our goal with this special issue is to make the majority of Americans feel pitiful and financially impotent,” stated Steve Forbes, founder and editor-in-chief. “If one or two corporate shills hang themselves due to an unconquerable sense of inadequacy, we’ve done our job.”

Apart from Gates, few of the money moguls included in the study actually earned their wealth, but were rather beneficiaries of vast inheritances.

“I had the unfortunate job of trolling for quotations with this group of pompous bastards,” revealed Mark Stabler, a senior intern at the magazine. “But let me just say this—the sounds of clinking coins and slurping hookers speak for themselves.”

(Ypslinati, MI) Eastern Michigan student Kyle Gerhringer shelled out $50 for a Staples "Easy Button," but said that his purchase has been an abject failure.

"My roommate swore by it, but I think I have been ripped off," said a dejected Gerhringer. "I was taking my finance midterm and I brought it out. I kept clicking it, but no answers were to be found."

Compounding the problem for Gerhringer - the professor siezed the device from him and gave him an "F" on the test.

"When she came over to my desk, I started tapping it again to make her go away, or for Mongol hordes to slay her or something," he said. "She started claiming it was some sort of "communications device" or some shit."

Gerhringer said the button should be renamed.

"I'm thinking it should be called "Worthless Piece of Crap" or maybe "This Does Not Work" - something like that," he said. "Those Staples commercials are totally fraudulent, dude."

(Boston, MA) Boston College sophomore Curt Longgeman recalls the moment he learned that he had contracted Chlamydia.

"I was in my dorm, hanging with my homies, when the call came from the Student Medical Center," said Longgeman. "This woman said: "Mr. Longgeman, you have Chlamydia." My life changed forever when I got that tragic news."

Chlamydia is a sexually transmitted infection that is caused by the bacteria Chlamydia trachomatis. Longgeman said that he was forced to begin "some, like, serious lifestyle changes" after receiving the diagnosis.

"Things I took for granted, like banging a different girl every weekend night, were now gone forever," he said, wiping away a tear. "During chemotherapy I also suffered the indignity of stomach cramps and dry mouth."

To help other survivors Longgeman has started a new Chlamydia Survivors Network, including a signature pus-yellow silicone bracelet.

"The most important thing to remember if you get diagnosed with Chlamydia is that you are not alone," he said. "In your battle with Chlamydia - knowledge is power and attitude is everything. You can beat this, and you can live drip-free once again."

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—University of Toledo sophomore Jamie Wexler, 19, believes the bumper on his 1989 Toyota Corolla is a sacred canvas, and is the ideal place to broadcast his boundless faith in Jesus Christ.

Wexler holds many of his peers in contempt, who “slather” their automobiles with the insignias of rock bands and political sloganeering rather than “sharing the true path of salvation.”

“I find it really pathetic when people put meaningless crap on their cars, like Black Flag stickers or outdated “Vote Kerry” mementos,” remarked Wexler in an exclusive interview with the Codependent Collegian. “Have you seen the one with Calvin kneeling at the cross? Now that shit is deep.”



Wexler revealed that most of his religious paraphernalia is obtained through the youth ministry at his church, and is not merely limited to stickers; he regularly receives new t-shirts, posters, and key chains that resonate with spiritual themes.

“College is full of posers, who jump on the bandwagon of the latest band or rapper,” Wexler stated. “As Pastor Tom says, we must rise above trends. I’m a billboard for Christ, straight up. Why be known through my good works and charity when an embroidered ball cap can send the same message?”

Left: Scene of the great moment in fecal history

(Buena Vista, VA) Sophomore engineering student Brian Phillips of Southern Virginia University said that his morning "started like any other," but wound up being one of those days that will "change your life."

"I felt a little gut grumbling, and I headed off to the john to take a dump," Phillips recalled. "What I experienced can only be described as the 'Shangri-la of shite,' one of those moments in time when everything in the universe is perfect."

Phillips said that he had been "saving it up for like, two days" before his trip to a dorm restroom.

"I felt at least 20 pounds lighter when it was over," he said. "There is really nothing to compare with the wondrous sense of intestinal void that follows a glorious Brobdingnagian blast like that."

Other members of the SVU dorm were less than eager to share Phillips's evacuatory excitement.

"Jesus-freaking-God-Almighty-help-me!" croaked Jake Borden, who was the next to use the restroom. "What in the name of all that is holy happened in there?"

By Banfu T. Burnside, contributing editor

(Toledo, OH) UT economics major, Gerry Goldfarb, seems to have completed an unusual three-week term of piety. Unable to explain what triggered the episode, Goldfarb appears relieved that it has run its course.

"Earlier this month, I got cornered by a panhandler outside of the sub shop," he recalled. "Usually I can just ignore those people, but something came over me."

According to Goldfarb, he gave the indigent man seventeen dollars and half of a meatball sub.

Mr. Goldfarb's friends also noticed the change.

"Last week we were at this house party when this total hottie started leaning on Gerry's shoulder," said Alan Mills, a member of Goldfarb's intramural soccer team. "He was gonna get laid for sure, but Gerry got this really serious look on his face."

Witnesses overheard Goldfarb explain to the woman that she was inebriated, and they stared in disbelief as he sent her home with cab fare.

No longer constrained by his temporary moral fortitude, the second-year student plans to make up for lost time.

"I can't believe I spent last Thursday in meditation," lamented Goldfarb. "I mean, prayer and introspection has its place, but I totally passed up poker night at Rex-Dawg's place," adding, "Let's do a shot right now man."

Goldfarb's housemates issued a brief statement, welcoming him back to the fold.

"We are pleased to recognize the return of our dear colleague: Gerry 'Poon-O-Matic' Goldfarb," the statement read. "Gerry is an integral part of our social network and remains accountable for one-fifth of the rent. We trust that he will continue to fulfill his duties, regardless of any fiscal commitments he may have made to the 700 Club."

(Columbus, OH) Jeff Willett always wanted to work at Borders Bookstore. He placed five applications, but the bookseller never called him.

Willett swiped a Borders nametag from the checkout counter a few months ago, and thus began a saga that culminated last week in his being named Associate of the Month.

"After I got home with the nametag, I got my Dymo Labelmaker out and printed a 'Jeff' label," he said. "Then I just started hanging out in the store."

Willett said that he started helping people find books and reshelving loose items.

"Pretty soon employees started asking me to do shit like clean the restrooms," he laughed. "Before you know it, a manager came up to me one week and said he didn't recognize my name."

Quick thinking on Willett's part saved the day.

"I told him: 'You know, I still haven't gotten a check,' and the guy immediately assumed that Ken, a fired manager, had fucked up again," he said. "The manager started apologizing, and two weeks later there was a check with 140 hours on it. Halle-freaking-lujah!"

Willett credits the gargantuan size of the store for his good fortune.

"There's like 100 employees in this joint," he said. "Nobody has a clue as to what the fuck is going on at any one moment."

Guest editorial by Justin McKenzie, UT class of ‘09

Mitch, you’re obviously uncomfortable right now, so let me set the record straight: you totally didn’t just walk in on me masturbating.

I know what you’re thinking. You sauntered down the hall, an ethics lecture still buzzing around your brain, wondering if the cafeteria was serving chicken cacciatore for dinner tonight, and opened the door to our dorm room to find my pants around my ankles.

Honestly, though, there is a completely reasonable explanation for all this. You see, I have a serious medical condition. Dr. Spencer—that’s my family doctor back home in Sylvania—he prescribed this salve for my penis around the time I was 13, and I have to apply it vigorously twice daily. But it’s nothing to be embarrassed about—I hear a lot of men have problems in that area. In fact, I bet some of the guys down the hall use the same topical cream. Or Jergen’s hand lotion. It’s practically the same stuff.

Which leads me to this wad of tissues. I must say, I’ve been Mr. Sniffles with this early autumn weather we’ve had lately, so my nose has been running like a gazelle. Sometimes I’m about to sneeze so hard, I don’t have time to get them out of the box, so I like to keep them right here on my desk for easy access. I’m all about hygiene. You wouldn’t want me to sneeze all over your textbooks, would you? That would just be disgusting.

There’s no need to tell any of my friends about this. Most of them already know, and I wouldn’t want them to feel uncomfortable. I mean, the thought of me, the Justinator, having a permanent physical handicap…it would change the way people treat me. I don’t need any sympathy or special treatment. All I need to do is slather my penis in this cool, soothing ointment twice a day, and rub it softly as I listen to a Barry White album. His soulful crooning always eases my nerves.

So the next time you come back from class and find my cock harder than a steel rail, know this: I’m not masturbating—I’m taking my medicine.

(Toledo, OH) A seven-month battle between The Onion and the enigmatic Subcomandante Bob over alleged plagiarism has been resolved peacefully.

"I think that the Onion has been punished long enough with our decision to de-link them," declared the enigmatic Bob, pounding the podium for emphasis. "It is time that we join virtual hands once again in our shared mission to lampoon the modern world."

Subcomandante Bob, editor of the e-zines Codependent Collegian, Toledo Tales, and National Nitwit, said that the refusal of the Onion to even acknowledge his emails demanding compensation was not a factor in the decision.

"It is clear that we shook the editorial staff over there with our legal threats," he said. "I think that they have been cowed into submission, and the loss of perhaps as many as 100 page hits in six months has taken a steep financial toll on the Onion."

Pressed by the two reporters in attendance, Subcommandante Bob admitted there was another element to the change in stance toward the Onion.

"Frankly, I blew the $150 bucks our lawyer wanted up front on cheap booze and illegal pharmaceuticals," he said. "But let me say this: woe unto those who would pilfer our material so brazenly, for thy day of judgment is at hand. The Lord thy God, a merciful and just God, does not take kindly to such truck. By the way, can either of you two spare $5 bucks? I haven't eaten in a couple of days."

(Toledo, OH) Students waiting for help with financial aid at the University of Toledo will find their visit to the office a bit less dreary if Wally Stensenbrunner has his way.

The 44-year old Elvis impersonator has taken it upon himself to bring a ray of sunshine into the lives of students.

"Hey baby," purred Stensenbrunner to a perky coed, "how's about you and me...candles...and some nice wine?"

UT officials said that, while Stensenbrunner is not an actual employee, he will be allowed to remain in Rocket Hall, since he is enrolled for classes.

"As long as he doesn't get out of line, we can't do anything about this whack job," said one anonymous employee. "We tried putting a Roofie in his Mountain Dew, but if anything he seemed to get more wired."

Stensenbrunner broke into song when the Codependent Collegian arrived.

"Well it's one for the money, two for the show," he sang, "three to get ready for Pell Grant dough, so don't you, slow up my refund, dude."

Sophomore engineering student Jason Vandergraaf was less than ecstatic to see Stensenbrunner.

"What a dork," he said. "And to think we blazed up some nice Chronic in the parking lot just to come in and see this idiot. That guy is totally wasting my buzz."