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March 17, 2006

Underprivileged Youth Loses Bathroom Privileges, Becomes Behavior Modification Experiment

By: Banfu T. Burnside, Contributing Editor

(Chicago, IL) Local underprivileged youth Kareem Jackson has suffered another blow to his already scant list of privileges. Now instead of discreetly walking to the side of his fourth-grade classroom and signing out a bathroom pass like his classmates, Kareem must remain seated and indicate his intention to expel waste by raising a prescribed number of fingers.

"Kareem holds up one finger if he wishes to micturate, and two for a defecation," explained Kathy Birmingham, an eleven-year teaching veteran and Jackson's primary instructor. "The embarrassment of broadcasting his need to shit in front of 30 classmates is an integral part of the disciplinary process."

Guidance Councilor, Linda Dannhoff, expressed concerns about the situation, calling it "unfortunate but predictable."

"Children in Kareem's position who are experiencing a dearth of privilege may begin to act out, which results in reduction of privilege, and so on," said Dannhoff. "We try to interrupt this cycle by introducing supplemental privileges like free lunches. When Kareem gets to the front of the line he doesn't purchase his meal with money, he gets to use a special green ticket. And nobody else in the school gets to do that!"

When asked for comment, Jackson was apologetic, calling his actions "rash" and "short-sighted." The incident which jeopardized his privileges, also befouled the second-floor lavatory and left his fellow classmates "reeling from the stink."

Jackson continued saying, "I had no right to defecate anywhere but the toilet, it was wrong to crap in the sink and urinal, and soiling the radiator was just obscene."

Despite the seriousness of his transgressions, he remains hopeful that he may one day regain full bathroom privileges, a sentiment which is not echoed by his teacher.

"He'll not be allowed within ten feet of a turd without close supervision," said Birmingham, "and I've already phoned ahead to the junior high so I hope he doesn't think he'll get the privileges back just by graduating." Paris Hilton

an epic. about pooping. loved it.
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