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March 1, 2006

Elvis Impersonator Joins Financial Aid Staff

(Toledo, OH) Students waiting for help with financial aid at the University of Toledo will find their visit to the office a bit less dreary if Wally Stensenbrunner has his way.

The 44-year old Elvis impersonator has taken it upon himself to bring a ray of sunshine into the lives of students.

"Hey baby," purred Stensenbrunner to a perky coed, "how's about you and me...candles...and some nice wine?"

UT officials said that, while Stensenbrunner is not an actual employee, he will be allowed to remain in Rocket Hall, since he is enrolled for classes.

"As long as he doesn't get out of line, we can't do anything about this whack job," said one anonymous employee. "We tried putting a Roofie in his Mountain Dew, but if anything he seemed to get more wired."

Stensenbrunner broke into song when the Codependent Collegian arrived.

"Well it's one for the money, two for the show," he sang, "three to get ready for Pell Grant dough, so don't you, slow up my refund, dude."

Sophomore engineering student Jason Vandergraaf was less than ecstatic to see Stensenbrunner.

"What a dork," he said. "And to think we blazed up some nice Chronic in the parking lot just to come in and see this idiot. That guy is totally wasting my buzz."

heh heh
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