March 11, 2006
Special Ed Major Secretly Despises Kids In Wheelchairs
By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor(Reno, NV)—Ian Falco, a junior in Special Education at the University of Reno, withheld his silent abhorrence for children in wheelchairs for years, but was unable to conceal his disgust during this week’s hectic round of midterms.
“I’ve always wanted to help others since my mom was a teacher for 30 years,” said Falco. “But after five sets of exams, I can’t stand these emaciated retards anymore. They’re freakish and need to be burned alive.”
Falco said that a recent experience in student teaching at a special needs school cemented his thinking.
"This kid with cerebral palsy wheeled over to me and started honking like a goose, and all I could think about was smacking him," he said. "That, or taping his eyelids open and shooting a Super Soaker at the little bastard."
Falco’s close associates corroborate this profound disdain for the handicapped.
“The guy hates the needy, case closed,” remarked Sara Hubert, a former girlfriend of Falco’s, who remains his co-worker at a local Barnes & Noble bookseller. “One time I tagged along during his student teaching appointment downtown, and saw him pinch this girl all during snack time. I’m no psych major, but it seems like he picked the wrong profession.”
