Codependent Collegian

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Hesston, KS)—Ian Dewey, an incoming freshman at Hesston College, is officially the last human being on earth to experience Pink Floyd’s 1973 opus Dark Side of the Moon while in an altered state of consciousness.

The landmark occasion took place in the basement of the Dewey residence, where the young scholar relocated after graduating from high school in May.

“I started smoking [marijuana] a few weeks ago out of boredom, I guess,” Dewey explained. “Then I was flipping through my dad’s old records—he uses the jacket sleeves to hide porn [from my step-mother]—but I was like, blown away when I saw the cover of Dark Side. The rest, as they say, is history.”

Sadly, Dewey later discovered that his “metaphysical enlightenment” occurred three decades too late.

“I googled Pink Floyd to see if they were playing any Midwest shows this summer, and they’ve fucking broken up,” Dewey lamented. “Lynyrd Skynyrd still tours and like, half of their band died in a goddamn plane crash. What a travesty.”

Determined to overcome this temporal roadblock, Dewey has resolved to improve his spiritual awareness.

“I’ve been blind for so long,” Dewey poignantly remarked. “I’m gonna change for the better. And with the help of some righteous bud, a few Day-Glo posters, and a lava lamp, I can finally connect with the cosmos.”

(Los Angeles, CA) News that a six-month pregnant Britney Spears has posed nude for the cover of the August issue of Harper's Bazaar magazine hit USC sophomore Jon Crowley "very, very hard."

The finance major told the Codependent Collegian that he "can't even stand to look at" his collection of Britney pics any longer.

"I first lusted after Britney when I was a freshman in high school," he mused. "But I can't get images of Kevin Federline and Britney's pregnant fat self out of my head when I want to fire off a quick load, you know? I can almost smell the afterbirth, and then I totally lose the moment."

Crowley said that "the beginning of the end" for him was the statue The Birth of Sean Preston, which was unveiled in March 2006. It features Spears giving birth in a provocative pose while hunched on all fours and clutching a bearskin rug.

"I mean, come on - what kind of sick freak can get off looking at that shit?" he asked. "Britney looks like an anemic walrus, and who can keep a stiffy with a snarling bear glaring at your dick?"

Left: Crowley can't go there anymore

On the Harper's Bazaar cover, a dark-haired Spears covers her breasts with her arms and crosses her legs at the knee, as she sits smiling into the camera. Crowley, viewing the photo for the first time, said that he might "lose my breakfast AND lunch" if looked any longer.

"That is some twisted material, brother," he said, shaking his head. "It's like they Photoshopped Britney's head onto my fat sister-in-law's body. I mean, if I was really drunk, I could go there, but it would have to be part of some weird debasement fantasy that involved that camp counselor who snuck into my tent in sixth grade."

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Above: "Fags and losers" play their guts out

(Richmond, VA)—Although most college students are relishing their summer vacations, a large body of undergraduate musicians has descended on the campus of Virginia Commonwealth University to begin tryouts for the impending marching band season.

And while most returning upperclassmen have found some semblance of social acceptance among their peers, the incoming freshmen can only be described as “a cavalcade of fags and losers.”

“I’ll tell ya, I’ve seen some real weird kids in my day, but this batch takes the cake,” remarked Dan Unger, Musical Director and Associate Professor of Jazz Composition. “I haven’t seen this many virgins in one place since the last Star Wars movie premiered.”

Student drum major Nick Cuthbert echoed Unger’s sentiments.

“I don’t which is worse, Billy—their acne or their inability to sight-read sheet music,” Cuthbert huffed between drags on his menthol cigarette. “I have a reputation to maintain, ya know? If these kids ruin my chances for a threesome after Homecoming, I’m putting lice in all their uniforms, so help me God.”

(Dayton, OH) Mitchell Harriman has a dream, a dream that will not be shot down by "small-minded negative types," he says.

"I will someday wear #23 for the Chicago Bulls, and lead them to multiple NBA titles," he solemnly swore. "Nothing will stand in my way."

Harriman, 24, admits that his athletic résumé is "not so hot."

"I played JV ball in high school, but got cut when I didn't like to run laps," he said. "But I'm not like that anymore. I am willing to do whatever it takes to be the next Michael Jordan, even giving up Twinkies."

Harriman's daily regimen is simple.

"I shoot hoops in my driveway eight hours a day," he said. "I got game, as they say, and I have lost eight pounds in the last month with my exercise regimen. Plus, I am totally schooling my roommate Jacob in the paint."

Left: "Major injury" Harriman sustained last week during driveway workouts

Getting the attention of Bulls coaches, however, has been an "annoying hurdle" for the 5'11" Harriman.

"They have not returned myt calls or emails," he admitted. "But once they see my stuff I know they will come around. There is no way that talent like mine should be allowed to rot, denying the world the glory of the next MJ."

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Left: Wilson’s fate is sealed

(Durham, NC)—Nick Wilson desperately hoped that eighth grade would be the year he sat with the cool kids at lunch.

However, the efforts of his father Dr. Ignatius Wilson—an emeritus professor of Geology at Duke University—to enroll his son in a summer-long science camp have all but guaranteed another academic term wrought with wedgies and spitballs.

“I thought if I grew my hair out and lost a few pounds, I might have a chance in September,” lamented the younger Wilson. “Hell, my birthday’s in August—maybe I could get a Green Day t-shirt or something. But now…here’s to another year of eating ham and cheese sandwiches with the retards.”

Wilson clarified his use of the derogatory slang for mental handicapped individuals.

“Billy, I shit you not, I sit with the retards at lunch,” Wilson fumed. “I normally go to fifth period with blotches of spittle and chocolate milk on my shirt.”

To his credit, Professor Wilson had his son’s best interests at heart for this summer.

“That boy talks a big game, but he’s as geeky as they come,” Dr. Wilson revealed. “Last week I found my entire collection of Stevie Nicks albums under his bed. That ain’t right. I didn’t teach for thirty years to spend my retirement with a future serial killer…he’s gotta go.”

Dr. Wilson added that he hid Tamara Hoover pics in his son's suitcase in an attempt to "normalize" him.

"I just don't know what else I can do," he said, head in hands.

<Left: How much more can he take?

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Price, UT)—Sam Owings thought his brief tenure in a summer composition course at the College of Eastern Utah would prove a cumbersome, but otherwise forgettable academic experience.

Sadly, Owings did not consider the brutal June weather of the American Southwest, which has resulted in a staggering display of tit among his co-ed classmates.

“Two weeks ago, I was in the zone, man—the rhetorical appeals, thesis statements—it was all good,” Owings recalled. “Now it’s tube tops, tank tops, and tight concert T’s from Bonnaroo. If I get a C on our next test, it’ll be a goddamn miracle.”

And despite the awkward embarrassment of being caught ogling his fellow writers, Owings cannot help his primal urge to gawk.

“I got busted by Sarah [Millson] three times this morning—and she sits on the other side of the room for Christ’s sake,” Owings lamented. “I can’t help myself. If her nipples were any harder, they’d cut glass.”

Left: Two of Millson's best attributes

To his credit, Professor Evan Bathos has done his best to maintain a dynamic learning environment despite the abject horniness of his students.

“Those kids are so eager to rut they don’t hear a damn thing I say,” huffed Bathos, watching World Cup highlights. “The chicks come half-naked, the guys come hard up—I have to drink three whiskey cokes just to take the edge off every night.”

Guest editorial by Mary Lofton, building maintenance specialist

(Austin, TX) I know that you are busy University of Texas students who are going to go on to exciting careers, jobs that I will never get.

Nor will my children, for that matter. Richard can't stop drinking long enough to even apply for a job, Brian is in prison, and my daughter Rebecca spends too much time on her back to bother with studying.

Even so, a little courtesy around this place would go a long way. Remember - we janitors are people, too.

Oh, I know you kids think it's funny to drop a quarter in the urinal, knowing that someone - like me - has to fish it out. Is this supposed to be a tip? If it is, just know that I throw away any money in the urinals - can you imagine having such a nasty thing in your pocket?

And you boys who "pretend" you didn't hear me when I clearly shouted "HOUSEKEEPING" before I went in the rest room? I am not falling for it, and I saw enough undersized penises while my dear husband Albert was still alive, thank you very much. Go expose yourselves out in public where the police can catch you.

Ladies, ladies, ladies - why can't you put those used tampons in the convenient disposal container we provide? Why do you insist on trying to flush those blood-soaked monstrosities down the toilet? If causes a backup in your house, you know it will flood the bathrooms here, right?

And don't even get me going about you sickies who leave your dirty used tampons right on the floor! Jeez - who wants to see or smell that? Did you learn that from your mother? I think not.

I could go on and on, talking about the awful bodily fluids I find in all over the place, but this is a decent sort of magazine. At least that's what the editor said.

So, keep in mind that real people have to clean up after you the next time you want to drop a piece of feces-covered toilet paper on the bathroom floor, or when you think spitting on the mirrors is funny.

(Columbus, OH) The summer sun is shining on his freshly mowed lawn, and Ohio State economics professor Scott Calderone thinks life couldn't be better.

"There was a point last term when I was ready to kick every last student in the ass - hard," he said, clenching his fists. "A person can only take so much stupidity before he cracks."

Calderone said that he had to seek professional help to make it through the quarter.

"My doctor gave me a prescription for Valium to calm me down, and some days I absolutely floated to class," he admitted. "Still, even through the benzodiazepine haze, a few of those idiots managed to push my buttons. One imbecile who never attended class actually came to my office a week before the final to ask for 'special consideration' when I graded because he was 'having issues.'"

Chuckling, Calderone added: "I said I'd 'issue' him a fucking F. That, my friend, was a Kodak moment."

Still, the thought that summer is limited in duration sticks in the back of the professor's mind.

"Some days I wake up in a cold sweat, thinking that it's already fall," he said, looking out the window. "Maybe deep down I just enjoy torturing myself, but I find it harder and harder to get the energy to walk in and face a classroom full of mouth-breathing dolts. Fortuna - thou dost toy with me, ye evil vixen."

A Codependent Collegian guest editorial

Hi.

Remember me? I'm the big box that keeps your food cold and your ice frozen, and I do my job every day.

Would it be too much to ask for you to clean me out every once in a while? I'd do it myself, but I am not equipped for the job. Take a look - I have no hands. How am I going to get that bowl of moldy chip dip out of me?

I don't ask for much - just a little electricity, a yearly coil cleaning, and some basic housekeeping now and then. I don't want to upset you, but I really could use some attention.

Listen - I know you love your dog and all, but was it really necessary to stick his stool sample inside me before the vet visit? I was completely freaked that the baggie would open, and dog crap would mix in with all the other spilled food, beer, and rotten fruit I am keeping for you.

Thanks for listening!

By the way - your new roommate drinks straight out of the milk carton. I just thought you should know. That's what friends are for, right? Flock world cup ring tones Krugle

Left: Marked man

(Austin, TX) Junior pharamacy major Steve Jericho said that he never realized "what a freaking psycho" his ex-girlfriend Meredith Copeland was until the couple broke up.

"It's like something out of 'Fatal Attraction,' except Meredith is kind of skanky," he said. "When I came home from work the other night, I found her naked on my bed wearing pig tails and saying: 'Spank me, Daddy.' I just can't live like this."

Jericho said that Meredith has been showing up in completely unexpected places.

"I was looking to do some shopping last week when she showed up dressed like a mall security guard," he said. "While biting on my ear she asked if I wanted a full cavity search. I just don't know why she thinks getting all freaky will somehow win me back."

Left: Copeland, biding her time

Among other changes, Jericho is thinking of adding a pair of glasses and a wardrobe change.

"I have to make sure that I coordinate all of this with an address change," he said. "She may be nuts, but she could have been a detective. She totally figured out how to convince the operator to give her my unlisted number."

Contacted by Codependent Collegian, Copeland denied that she has done anything "unusual."

"Steve's just going through a little phase. This will all pass," she smiled. "Once he realizes that we were meant to be together - no, DESTINED to be together - everything will be fine again."

She paused for a moment, and turned back to reporters before walking away.

"That, or I'll slice off his testicles," she said.Ann Coulter Pirate Bay Macbook Loretta Nall ring tones

Left: Working hard at keeping it together

(Fullerton, CA) Trey Billingham was once a full-time student at Cal State-Fullerton, but dropped out in 2005.

"Actually, they kinda forced me to quit," admitted Billingham. "I pretty much stopped going after like, two weeks in my first term."

Unfortunately, he never told his parents of the change in status.

"Yeah, it's kind of weird, but they seem happy, so why bust up a good thing?" he asked. "They send money, the college is rid of me, and I am having a hell of a time. When it's win-win-win, who's being hurt here?"

Billingham said that holidays are the toughest time to keep up the academic ruse.

"My parents will be all like: 'So, how's school going?' and then I have to make up some classes I supposedly took, and how I am keeping a 3.1 GPA and all that," he said. "Sometimes they'll catch me with a class I said I took before, then things will get sorta quiet, but the we change the subject. It's all good, as long as we don't think too much about it."

An editorial by Justin K. Blechley

Hey! How's it going, Katie? Looking good in those pink shorts!

Listen: I know you wanted to save yourself for marriage, and that we are not actually going out, but I was wondering if you would like to lose your virginity with me.

Wait - I know that's pretty forward, and totally unexpected, but hear me out. At any moment we could get hit with an nuclear bomb, or be blown to smithereens in a terrorist attack. Would you want to die without ever having experienced real sex?

I know I'm not exactly the most handsome guy on campus, and that I sometimes say some stupid things, like that time in Geography when I called the Appalachians the Alps, or when I said that Dwayne Wade used to be a third baseman for the Red Sox.

Hey, I was drunk.

But I don't have any STDs (at least, none that I know of), I'm here, and I am ready.

Don't walk away! At least give it a thought. I'll be in my dorm thinking about you, so if you want to lose your virginity today, I'm your man.

Just don't wait too long, because I might end up spanking the old plank, if you know what I mean. I can't keep all of this lust inside me forever. American Idol Pirate Bay Macbook Loretta Nall ring tones

(Columbus, OH) Matthew Ferguson was once an outgoing and personable soul, say friends, until he began dating Megan Cartwright.

Since that time he has begun to "live a life controlled by a puppetmaster," said former drinking buddy Jacob Kunstler.

"It's really sad. She even bought him a cell phone with her own ringtone," said Kunstler. "If he is away from her - which is not very often - Megan bombards him with calls and text messages. This is pretty sick stuff."

Chad Brecker, who Ferguson once called his "top bud," said that Megan's antics border on the "sociopathic."

"This chick is psycho, no doubt about it," he said. "And poor Matt never saw it coming. There's something wrong when the girl needs to have a camera pic sent to her every night by Matt."

Kunstler said that the relationship has begun to affect Ferguson in bizarre ways.

"This was a dude who might go three days between showers in the past, and now he's taking one at 7:00 am every day," he said, looking off into the distance. "It's like she has stolen his soul. I feel like I don't even know Matt any more."American Idol Pirate Bay Macbook Loretta Nall ring tones

Nicodemus cranks up the douche for the camera

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—University of Toledo junior Chet Nicodemus is, by most accounts, an all-around asshole, but his recent trend of wearing a cowboy hat has truly revealed his utter douchiness.

According to eyewitnesses, some of the topics frequently discussed when Nicodemus is in “hat mode” are how much he hates the homeless, that field hockey is not really a sport, and why his girlfriend Laura should “just tighten up her abs a bit.”

“Chet has always been a pig, alright, but that hat is making things worse,” remarked Nicodemus’ older brother Steve. “I asked him for weeks to help me finish the drywall in my new garage, and when the day finally came, he turned off his cell and stayed home. I bet he watched a Law & Order marathon. He needs to get his ass kicked.”

Sadly, Nicodemus’s mother Sharon blames herself for his utter disregard for others.

“We spoiled him as a boy, I can see that now,” she humbly admitted. “But I never thought a son of mine would skip church to catch a flip-flop sale at The Gap. That hat has got to go.”

When confronted with his selfish behavior and the mysterious symbolism of his hat, Nicodemus offered a typically debonair response.

“This hat is great. Did you know that I’m benching 205 now?” Nicodemus queried. He paused for a moment before adding: “You know what I hate? Canned food drives. If one more do-gooder hassles me at Kroger when I’m buying some Corona, I’m gonna go apeshit.”American Idol Pirate Bay Macbook Loretta Nall Friki

(Washington, DC) Georgetown junior education major Tad Cochrane, normally "kind of turned off" by international politics, has developed what he describes as a "breakthrough" in the Iranian nuclear dilemma.

"Pretty simply, we should just go over there and nuke the entire Godforsaken country, turning the place into a giant sheet of glass," he said, adding that he has spent "weeks" on his research. "I mean, nothing against the Iranian people, but it's like "wrong place at the wrong time," you know? Kind of like when I was at this kegger last year, and the cops hauled away me and 30 other partiers. It totally sucked, but what are you going to do?"

Cochrane believes that, in the long run, his strategy will save the United States a great deal of "time and money."

"Pretty much you know we are going to have to take those bastards on, so why not drop a hundred of the big ones on them now?" he asked. "Those nukes have been rusting in their silos since the Soviets threw in the towel, and we paid for them like a hundred years ago, so why not just cut to the chase?"

His success in arriving at this novel geopolitical solution, according to Cochrane, has caused him to reconsider his educational goals.

"Washington could, like, use more people who can think straight," he said. "I might have to switch to a major in something like "Government," "War Stuff," or whatever they call the degree you need to order missile launching."

(Springfield, IL) University of Illinois-Springfield roommates Justin Harrah and Thomas Snowden, admittedly "blitzed beyond recognition," nonetheless announced to the crowd at Mickey's Pub that actress Elizabeth Taylor - despite her age - looked "pretty hot" on CNN's Larry King Live.

"I swear to God...she...could mmmpppphhhhh," drooled Harrah. "She's old enough to be my.....but I could still nggggmmmm."

Snowden seconded his friend's assessment of the 74-year-old entertainment diva.

"ROCK THE HOUSE! DIS JOINT IS OFF DA HA-ZIZZLE!!" he screamed. "That chick could SO jack my Johnson!"

Nearby patrons, however, believed that excessive alcohol intake may have skewed any ability to render value judgments.

"They said the same shit about Larry King," said Pat Richardson of Grandview. "Both of them are about to get bounced out on their asses if they don't shut up. Soon." American Idol Da Vinci Code Macbook Lordi Friki