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June 4, 2006

Student Reveals His Inner Douche With Cowboy Hat

Nicodemus cranks up the douche for the camera

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—University of Toledo junior Chet Nicodemus is, by most accounts, an all-around asshole, but his recent trend of wearing a cowboy hat has truly revealed his utter douchiness.

According to eyewitnesses, some of the topics frequently discussed when Nicodemus is in “hat mode” are how much he hates the homeless, that field hockey is not really a sport, and why his girlfriend Laura should “just tighten up her abs a bit.”

“Chet has always been a pig, alright, but that hat is making things worse,” remarked Nicodemus’ older brother Steve. “I asked him for weeks to help me finish the drywall in my new garage, and when the day finally came, he turned off his cell and stayed home. I bet he watched a Law & Order marathon. He needs to get his ass kicked.”

Sadly, Nicodemus’s mother Sharon blames herself for his utter disregard for others.

“We spoiled him as a boy, I can see that now,” she humbly admitted. “But I never thought a son of mine would skip church to catch a flip-flop sale at The Gap. That hat has got to go.”

When confronted with his selfish behavior and the mysterious symbolism of his hat, Nicodemus offered a typically debonair response.

“This hat is great. Did you know that I’m benching 205 now?” Nicodemus queried. He paused for a moment before adding: “You know what I hate? Canned food drives. If one more do-gooder hassles me at Kroger when I’m buying some Corona, I’m gonna go apeshit.”American Idol Pirate Bay Macbook Loretta Nall Friki

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