June 23, 2006
Science Camp Ensures Another Year of Geekdom for Prof's Son
By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue EditorLeft: Wilson’s fate is sealed
(Durham, NC)—Nick Wilson desperately hoped that eighth grade would be the year he sat with the cool kids at lunch.
However, the efforts of his father Dr. Ignatius Wilson—an emeritus professor of Geology at Duke University—to enroll his son in a summer-long science camp have all but guaranteed another academic term wrought with wedgies and spitballs.
“I thought if I grew my hair out and lost a few pounds, I might have a chance in September,” lamented the younger Wilson. “Hell, my birthday’s in August—maybe I could get a Green Day t-shirt or something. But now…here’s to another year of eating ham and cheese sandwiches with the retards.”
Wilson clarified his use of the derogatory slang for mental handicapped individuals.
“Billy, I shit you not, I sit with the retards at lunch,” Wilson fumed. “I normally go to fifth period with blotches of spittle and chocolate milk on my shirt.”
To his credit, Professor Wilson had his son’s best interests at heart for this summer.
“That boy talks a big game, but he’s as geeky as they come,” Dr. Wilson revealed. “Last week I found my entire collection of Stevie Nicks albums under his bed. That ain’t right. I didn’t teach for thirty years to spend my retirement with a future serial killer…he’s gotta go.”
Dr. Wilson added that he hid Tamara Hoover pics in his son's suitcase in an attempt to "normalize" him.
"I just don't know what else I can do," he said, head in hands.
