June 30, 2006
Dude is Last Earthling to Hear Pink Floyd While Stoned
By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor(Hesston, KS)—Ian Dewey, an incoming freshman at Hesston College, is officially the last human being on earth to experience Pink Floyd’s 1973 opus Dark Side of the Moon while in an altered state of consciousness.
The landmark occasion took place in the basement of the Dewey residence, where the young scholar relocated after graduating from high school in May.
“I started smoking [marijuana] a few weeks ago out of boredom, I guess,” Dewey explained. “Then I was flipping through my dad’s old records—he uses the jacket sleeves to hide porn [from my step-mother]—but I was like, blown away when I saw the cover of Dark Side. The rest, as they say, is history.”
Sadly, Dewey later discovered that his “metaphysical enlightenment” occurred three decades too late.
“I googled Pink Floyd to see if they were playing any Midwest shows this summer, and they’ve fucking broken up,” Dewey lamented. “Lynyrd Skynyrd still tours and like, half of their band died in a goddamn plane crash. What a travesty.”
Determined to overcome this temporal roadblock, Dewey has resolved to improve his spiritual awareness.
“I’ve been blind for so long,” Dewey poignantly remarked. “I’m gonna change for the better. And with the help of some righteous bud, a few Day-Glo posters, and a lava lamp, I can finally connect with the cosmos.”
