Codependent Collegian

Left: Less than meets the eye awaits suitors

(Columbus, OH) Ohio State engineering student Kevin Paterson expressed to Codependent Collegian reporters his displeasure with a recent date in which the "false pretenses" of a push-up bra led him to "waste mondo time" with fellow sophomore Amber Pettigrew.

"Amber wore this lowcut T-shirt to our Calculus class with the words 'Love Candy' written across the front, and that push-up bra made her look like she was stashing a couple of tasty cantaloupes up in there," he recalled. "But five seconds after I got her top off I realized that Amber was flatter than a week-old beer. That's some scary biz, bro, and for a second I thought she might be one of those 11-year-old college whiz kids setting me up on a stauatory rape charge."

Even the late-night acquisition of a "first class hummer" could not assuage the disappointed Paterson.

"I'd been drooling and whacking all day over what I thought were some gi-normous hooters, only to find out that copping a feel with Amber was like wrestling my little brother," he grumbled. "There ought to be a law against this kind of deception, that's all I got to say. I felt like I had been ripped off. Overall it was a disappointing night after my eager anticipation. I may give her another go some time, but there are far hotter chicks to hit up who don't order all the expensive shit on the Applebee's menu, that's for sure."

Labels: Applebee's, Ohio State, push-up bra

(Ypsilanti, MI) A hidden benefit to the mountains of term papers that must be graded by Eastern Michigan University composition instructor Shelly Preston is the simultaneous acquisition of paperclips, report covers, and binder clips.

"Some of these students really go all out to dress up their pathetic efforts at rhetorical competence," chuckled Preston, showing off her latest pile of useful office supplies. "I always return the papers with nothing but a staple, though. Some of this stuff is too expensive to be attached to an essay titled: 'Robert Frost - Poetry Guy.'"

Preston came upon the idea to uncouple valuable office supplies from wretched student compositions several years ago.

"I was in a rush to get out my CV and research portfolio to another college, and I couldn't find a decent report cover," she recalled. "Then I thumbed through some of the literary abortions on my desk, and I'll be damned if some hopeful cretin didn't use this faux leather report cover on her term paper. It was kind of like dressing Quasimodo in a tuxedo, but pilfering that report cover saved me an hour's drive and ten bucks."

To this point not a single student has complained about the missing supplies, added Preston.

"I think most of them are so embarassed about their complete lack of talent that they wouldn't get caught near my office, let alone ask about the gilded folder they stuck their papers in," said Preston. "The best time to clean up on office supplies, though, is at the end of the term. Not only do I collect a ton of supplies, but I don't even have to read most of that crap. I just count the pages and add five points to their average grades. Boo-yah!"

Labels: Eastern Michigan University, term papers

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Nance: Cum-Slurping, Light-Loafered Butt-Pirate

(Bangor, ME)—University of Maine sophomore Tim Nance was ecstatic to learn he won the lead role in the university’s winter production of “Guys and Dolls.”

Some in UM’s theatre company, however, feel that Nance’s selection has more to do with his sexual orientation than his talent for the stage.

“That Nance kid makes the queer dude from Will & Grace look like Sly Stalone,” remarked senior Owen McCormick, the troupe’s resident sound engineer. “I mean, he can kinda sing, and maybe he took a year or two of dance, but this is just another classic example of Professor Harrington’s typecasting. Mark my words: Nance is a straight-up diva. He’ll be bitching for a wireless mic by our second read-through.”

Those outside UM’s small enclave of thespians reiterated McCormick’s criticism of this casting selection.

“I’m not really the acting type, but “Guys and Dolls” is my mom’s favorite show, and after her bout with breast cancer last year, I figured I’d do this just for her—after all, I have a three octave range for Christ’s sake,” remarked Rick Langan, a music major and lead singer of the local band Burnout. “But as soon as my audition began, it was clear they wanted this flamer kid Nance. These theatre profs want the same eight people in every show—what a bullshit incestuous process. This musical is gonna blow worse than Chevy Chase’s talk show.”

Labels: Guys and Dolls, University of Maine

(Ann Arbor, MI) Cody Phillips describes himself as a "pretty tolerant guy," but a recent experience in the restroom of the Shapiro Science Library brought terror to the University of Michigan senior.

"I was in the middle stall when it happened: a foot came from under the dividing wall and bumped mine," he remembered, still visibly shaken by the encounter. "It was like one of those horror movies, you know? I had visions of getting ass-raped by some syphilis-dripping degenerates, like something out of Deliverance. Scary shit."

Phillips said that the unknown occupant of the end stall of the second-floor restroom was persistent.

"When the second and third foot-taps happened, I had this sinking, nauseous feeling in my stomach," he said, involuntarily cracking his knuckles. "I just knew that any minute this sick SOB was going to pull a knife, slit my throat, and have sex with my dying corpse."

In future trips to the Shaprio Library restrooms, added Phillips, he is going in with "backup."

"I figure if some of my bros come along, the toilet queers will be less aggressive," he predicted. "The last thing I need going into finals is dealing with a wicked homosexual-type rape. Something like that could totally mess up a dude, maybe turn him gay. And I am so completely not gay, it's not even funny. One time when this dude at a party grabbed my ass in the hallway, I almost killed him. That's how not gay I am, bro."

Labels: Restroom Stall Sex, University of Michigan

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
By Dr. Ewing Kliphoffer, Professor of English &
Department Chairperson, Dickinson College

Kliphoffer: Wants to Keep This Party Going


Folks, it seems we’ve covered all of our agenda items in record time. We discussed the due dates for book orders, revised the old criteria for sick leave, and even agreed on what type of dry erase markers we want to order for next semester: those non-toxic ones that write nice and thick but won’t stain your trousers.

But since we have the board room reserved for another hour and a half, and there’s plenty of catered coffee and stale pastries left, I think we should take this department meeting down a notch and exchange meaningless banter for the next ninety minutes.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: hey, why can’t we just go back to our offices and grade? After all, it’s midterms, and getting a jump-start on the weekend would make us all feel better about our workload. Well, I’m afraid that’s not an option. We’re going to sit here and make snide jabs about the dean for a little while, or bitch about how the bathrooms on the second floor are never clean, or how that Richard Odenton kid we’ve all had is a frigging retard.

I didn’t wear my favorite Oxford-shirt-and-paisley-tie combination just to sit in my office and suffer through student reports on Walt Whitman. No sir. I know I’m not the most trim specimen of male faculty, but you must admit, I’m looking pretty doggone snazzy.

I hope that settles it. We’re going to keep this conversation going, even if I have to resort to that old chestnut about how the administration is under-funding our literary magazine. Keep chatting, people, and help yourself to another cup of decaf.

Labels: Dickinson College, meetings

With the release of new LP Rock N Roll Jesus, Detroit musician Kid Rock said that he had but one goal in mind.

"It's no surprise that God shortchanged me in the department of talent, and I looked to Rock N Roll Jesus to cement my reputation as an artist devoid of any measurable skill," said Rock, who was born Robert James Ritchie. "With my lame samples, ill-suited covers, and infantile riffs and chord structures, I have accomplished all that and more. I'm making Vanilla Ice look like Paul freaking McCartney, y'all."

Rock said that some of his recent collaborative work made some industry observers question his reputation as an inept babboon.

"That duet with Sheryl Crow knocked a few people around, didn't it?" he chuckled, referencing the 2003 song "Picture." "But I'm back, y'all, with my utter incompetence and derivative inanity as forgetable as ever."

Rock added that fans need no longer worry about his brief forays into legitimate music.

"I know what my people want - music that even someone with a 32-IQ can drool along with," he said. "The world needs a benchmark for the lowest common denominator, and this talentless lout has reclaimed the crown. Boo-yah!"

Labels: Kid Rock, Rock N Roll Jesus

Cochrane has started a third box to document his drinking career

(Washington, DC) Georgetown University education major Tad Cochrane, meeting with Codependent Collegian reporters, displayed a collection of over 9,000 beer bottle caps, all packed away during the past three years.

The third-year student said that he has managed to save every cap from every bottle of beer that has "passed over these lips."

"Face it - I am, frankly, very studly. I have the face of a god, I'm the consummate party animal, and I am decidedly stronger than the average NFL linebacker," noted Cochrane. "I roam the world doing chivalrous deeds and shit, saving damsels in distress and flexing my pecs wherever possible. Along the way, I've consumed many a brew, and this collection documents my exploits."

One of the salient features of Cochrane's collection is the number of countries in which he has consumed bottled beer.

"I've got caps from drinking Dos Equis in Tijuana, Molson Brador in Montreal, and Red Stripe in Kingstown," he said, showing the relevant caps to reporters. "But even though I am a world taveler and all that, I'm still a regular guy, because I am a beer man. And bitches appreciate that, you know? Because i'm not, like, all full of myself drinking cognac or Drambuie or some faggedy-daggedy-doo liquor."

Cochrane also has a sensitive side, along with his malted masculinity

Cochrane, who calls himself the "King of Cerveza," said that his beer career has frightened away many a would-be challenger to the coveted throne.

"I'm so tough that I would even scare myself if I ever got scared, which I don't, because I'm the toughest person in the known or unknown universe," he boasted, finishing his fourth Bud Light before noon. "If some asshole tries to outdrink me, well, he's going to have a rude awakening, because no one - no-body - can outdrink me, the Duke of Beerdom. Many a lesser man has approached the throne, and every one skulked off, punk-ass crawling on the ground and acknowledging my supernatural drinking prowess. I reign supreme!"

Labels: beer bottle caps, Bud Light, Georgetown University

(Austin, TX) Craig Larsen doesn’t get out much, and the junior information systems major says he has “absolutely no athletic ability.”

“So how can I end up with a case of jock itch?” he asked Codependent Collegian reporters. “I mean, if I actually sweated or something I could see it, but I don’t even play Madden Football.”

Larsen believes that someone has purposely infected him with the fungus, which was confirmed during a visit to the UT Student Health Center.

“I don’t know how they pulled it off, but it had to be someone in my dorm,” he said, scratching his groin. “I think it might be [physics classmate Kyle] Massenheim, who’s pissed that my retrofitted, LINUX-powered motherboard outperformed his in a RAM test.”

Ex-girlfriend Tracy Phillips has been ruled out as a possible source of the infection, said Larsen.

“For one, we never actually made out, despite what I told everyone,” he admitted, gesturing toward a wall-sized poster of the young woman. “Besides, Tracy is a saint, and pure as the driven snow. The day that a goddess like Tracy carries a fungal infection is the day I turn celibate. Officially.”

Labels: jock itch, University of Texas

(Ames, IA) Dr. Patricia Helmuth has witnessed a "precipitous decline" in the abilities of her composition and creative writing students over the two decades she has taught at Iowa State University.

"We are witnessing the utter and complete collapse of the American society," she noted. "And we have come to a place in our nation’s history where the people our children should be able to trust the most - their academic advisors - are committing horrendous crimes against our young people by signing them up for creative writing courses when they are entirely without talent."

Helmuth acknowledged that geography might play a role in her gloomy assessment.

"Look - I know I am in freaking Iowa, okay - so don't remind me," she said. "But 'as Iowa goes, so goes the nation,' or some such tripe, and from what I see here in Iowa, things are looking pretty dismal. As a whole, this group of creative writing majors has less talent than a bucket of retarded clams, even if you spot them a catchy intro and a main character."

As a result, said Helmuth, she is now taking a "tough love" approach with her students.

"I tell them straight up: 'You have no talent, no future, and should hold no hopes of being a writer,'" she said, sipping a boubon on the rocks. "The quicker they get the hell out of writing, the faster they can salvage a career in nursing or something. God knows we don't need any more shitty writers, and I am determined to do my part to improve American culture. Boo-yah!"

Labels: composition, creative writing, Iowa State University

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
By Nathan Squire, University of Toledo Class of ‘09

Squire: Baffled By Clear, Concise Prose

Professor Matthews, all semester I have endured your writing assignments like a leper endures open sores oozing puss. I scratch and wail and thrash, but I’ve hung in there for over a month now, hoping you will ease up around midterms.

But this recent essay you’ve assigned, with its moderate four page length and meticulously written guidelines, has confused the shit out of me.

First of all, Dr. Matthews, look how obtuse your language is: “Choose a controversial social issue and compose a four-page persuasive essay that takes a stance based on credible research and your own personal views.” I’ve read that fucking sentence nine times—I said NINE—and still have no idea what you want. Is this a book report? Am I supposed to read something and then summarize it? Not all of us have a PhD in Smartness, professor—try to talk to us like human beings.

What is ‘controversial,’ anyway? When Rita Opal blew my roommate even though she was dating Evan Stoutmire, that was pretty goddamn controversial, but you don’t want a paper on that, do you? Cause sure as shit I could write four pages about that soap opera.

The assignment gets even more cryptic from here: “In addition to the four page length requirement, the other main criterion for this assignment is that you must cite three pieces of recent journalism to support your stance.” Jesus Tapdancing Christ, look who’s breaking out ‘criterion.’ You know, I’ve consulted at least two online dictionaries and still don’t know what that word means. And don’t even get me started on that ‘recent journalism’—is High Times considered journalism? Or the National Enquirer? Because frankly, that’s where I get most of my news, and given that you’re a stuffy pencil-neck professor who chuckles his entire drive home at the idea of confusing kids who are trying to get business degrees and make a living and maybe one day start their own hotel chain, you’ll probably say those fine periodicals are ‘substandard.’

So for an English professor, Dr. Matthews, you sure write crappy. While most other profs bark assignments in passing during their lectures, you give us these meticulously written handouts so we can spend hours and hours trying to figure out what the hell you want.

And after that, a guy can only turn to Miller Lite and Madden ’08 to ease his troubled mind.

Labels: composition, rhetoric, University of Toledo

Guest editorial by Cory Draheim,
Penn State Class of 2009

This bathroom on the second floor of the Paterno Library is really close to one of my classes, and I find myself spending a fair amount of time in it. Sometimes it is an diarrhea-type of situation, where I have to get to the john quickly, and other times I like to comb my hair and freshen up a bit, especially when it's hot outside.

But I get the feeling that people think I use this restroom a lot because I really want some dude's rock-hard cock stuffed in my mouth, like I just want to taste some anonymous stranger's musty manmeat and slurp down a load of hot jizz.

It's really not like that.

This bathroom is just about the cleanest and best-maintained facility on campus, and it is reassuring to know that a person has someplace decent to go for necessary business. At no time have I looked at some muscular guy in the john and wished that he would ram my quivering ass with his purple-veined trouser snake, filling me up with his hot dick and blowing his load on my naked back.

One of the best things about this particular bathroom is the cleanliness of the sinks, because in some bathrooms I am almost afraid to touch the soap dispenser and faucets for all the grime. This is important if someone felt really, really dirty and needed to wash himself free of the impure thoughts, like the kind where you wanted to suck off a football player while getting reamed by that guy with the moustache who always sits at the computer station next to the circulation desk.

Just so we are clear here: I do not want to swallow your cock in the handicapped stall while you shove your thumb in and out of my ass like a horny trucker's greasy shaft in the showers over at the Flying J Travel Center. I am just rinsing off my face and going back to the cubicle where I left my notebooks, that's all. Nothing else.

Labels: Penn State, restroom sex

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