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October 20, 2007

Let’s Take this Department Meeting Down a Notch

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
By Dr. Ewing Kliphoffer, Professor of English &
Department Chairperson, Dickinson College

Kliphoffer: Wants to Keep This Party Going

Folks, it seems we’ve covered all of our agenda items in record time. We discussed the due dates for book orders, revised the old criteria for sick leave, and even agreed on what type of dry erase markers we want to order for next semester: those non-toxic ones that write nice and thick but won’t stain your trousers.

But since we have the board room reserved for another hour and a half, and there’s plenty of catered coffee and stale pastries left, I think we should take this department meeting down a notch and exchange meaningless banter for the next ninety minutes.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: hey, why can’t we just go back to our offices and grade? After all, it’s midterms, and getting a jump-start on the weekend would make us all feel better about our workload. Well, I’m afraid that’s not an option. We’re going to sit here and make snide jabs about the dean for a little while, or bitch about how the bathrooms on the second floor are never clean, or how that Richard Odenton kid we’ve all had is a frigging retard.

I didn’t wear my favorite Oxford-shirt-and-paisley-tie combination just to sit in my office and suffer through student reports on Walt Whitman. No sir. I know I’m not the most trim specimen of male faculty, but you must admit, I’m looking pretty doggone snazzy.

I hope that settles it. We’re going to keep this conversation going, even if I have to resort to that old chestnut about how the administration is under-funding our literary magazine. Keep chatting, people, and help yourself to another cup of decaf.

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