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October 16, 2007

Beer Cap Collection a Testament to Student's Manliness

Cochrane has started a third box to document his drinking career

(Washington, DC) Georgetown University education major Tad Cochrane, meeting with Codependent Collegian reporters, displayed a collection of over 9,000 beer bottle caps, all packed away during the past three years.

The third-year student said that he has managed to save every cap from every bottle of beer that has "passed over these lips."

"Face it - I am, frankly, very studly. I have the face of a god, I'm the consummate party animal, and I am decidedly stronger than the average NFL linebacker," noted Cochrane. "I roam the world doing chivalrous deeds and shit, saving damsels in distress and flexing my pecs wherever possible. Along the way, I've consumed many a brew, and this collection documents my exploits."

One of the salient features of Cochrane's collection is the number of countries in which he has consumed bottled beer.

"I've got caps from drinking Dos Equis in Tijuana, Molson Brador in Montreal, and Red Stripe in Kingstown," he said, showing the relevant caps to reporters. "But even though I am a world taveler and all that, I'm still a regular guy, because I am a beer man. And bitches appreciate that, you know? Because i'm not, like, all full of myself drinking cognac or Drambuie or some faggedy-daggedy-doo liquor."

Cochrane also has a sensitive side, along with his malted masculinity

Cochrane, who calls himself the "King of Cerveza," said that his beer career has frightened away many a would-be challenger to the coveted throne.

"I'm so tough that I would even scare myself if I ever got scared, which I don't, because I'm the toughest person in the known or unknown universe," he boasted, finishing his fourth Bud Light before noon. "If some asshole tries to outdrink me, well, he's going to have a rude awakening, because no one - no-body - can outdrink me, the Duke of Beerdom. Many a lesser man has approached the throne, and every one skulked off, punk-ass crawling on the ground and acknowledging my supernatural drinking prowess. I reign supreme!"

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Comments:
1. Molson Brador? I'm Canadian, and I've never heard that brand... and searching molson.com for "brador" and "d'or" (close translation of Golden, a Molson brand) found nothing. Now, Subcommandant Bob, you're a man of the world, so I won't get insulting. I'll assume you have some knowledge I don't... so what the hell is a Brador, and what makes it so horrible Molson only wants to use it on the Quebecois?

2. Only four beers before noon? The dude loses plenty of points for being awake, unless he's still up from the night before. He also loses points for still being sober while interviewing on his drinking prowess. I'll take this lily-livered punk on, any day. Loser foots the bill. Oh, and fair warning: anything under Canadian standard 5% alcohol will not be considered beer. Overage will receive extra credit.
 
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