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October 24, 2007

Gay Guy Wins Lead in Campus Production of “Guys and Dolls”

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Nance: Cum-Slurping, Light-Loafered Butt-Pirate

(Bangor, ME)—University of Maine sophomore Tim Nance was ecstatic to learn he won the lead role in the university’s winter production of “Guys and Dolls.”

Some in UM’s theatre company, however, feel that Nance’s selection has more to do with his sexual orientation than his talent for the stage.

“That Nance kid makes the queer dude from Will & Grace look like Sly Stalone,” remarked senior Owen McCormick, the troupe’s resident sound engineer. “I mean, he can kinda sing, and maybe he took a year or two of dance, but this is just another classic example of Professor Harrington’s typecasting. Mark my words: Nance is a straight-up diva. He’ll be bitching for a wireless mic by our second read-through.”

Those outside UM’s small enclave of thespians reiterated McCormick’s criticism of this casting selection.

“I’m not really the acting type, but “Guys and Dolls” is my mom’s favorite show, and after her bout with breast cancer last year, I figured I’d do this just for her—after all, I have a three octave range for Christ’s sake,” remarked Rick Langan, a music major and lead singer of the local band Burnout. “But as soon as my audition began, it was clear they wanted this flamer kid Nance. These theatre profs want the same eight people in every show—what a bullshit incestuous process. This musical is gonna blow worse than Chevy Chase’s talk show.”

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