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October 8, 2007

English Professor Tired of Praising "Next Generation of Talentless Dolts"

(Ames, IA) Dr. Patricia Helmuth has witnessed a "precipitous decline" in the abilities of her composition and creative writing students over the two decades she has taught at Iowa State University.

"We are witnessing the utter and complete collapse of the American society," she noted. "And we have come to a place in our nation’s history where the people our children should be able to trust the most - their academic advisors - are committing horrendous crimes against our young people by signing them up for creative writing courses when they are entirely without talent."

Helmuth acknowledged that geography might play a role in her gloomy assessment.

"Look - I know I am in freaking Iowa, okay - so don't remind me," she said. "But 'as Iowa goes, so goes the nation,' or some such tripe, and from what I see here in Iowa, things are looking pretty dismal. As a whole, this group of creative writing majors has less talent than a bucket of retarded clams, even if you spot them a catchy intro and a main character."

As a result, said Helmuth, she is now taking a "tough love" approach with her students.

"I tell them straight up: 'You have no talent, no future, and should hold no hopes of being a writer,'" she said, sipping a boubon on the rocks. "The quicker they get the hell out of writing, the faster they can salvage a career in nursing or something. God knows we don't need any more shitty writers, and I am determined to do my part to improve American culture. Boo-yah!"

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