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January 29, 2008

My Learning Style is Ambivalence

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
By Frances Ivers, University of Miami Class of 2010

Ivers, “Self-Portrait with Pencils,” a Crayon and Loose-Leaf Composition

Professor McMillan, I know it would appear to the untrained eye that I am a poor student, what with the slouching, the doodling, and even the occasional text message that I try to stealthily jot while you are busy writing stuff on the board.

But let me assure you that ambivalence is, in fact, my established learning style, and as a respected educator I hope that you can adapt your methods accordingly.

See, kids of my generation have all different ways of learning. Some people are really language-oriented, so they take extensive notes and rephrase concepts themselves in order to retain information. Other people are auditory, and tape lectures so they can listen to key passages later on when they’re studying for a major test.

But me, I’ve found that nonchalance, indifference, and a general disdain for classroom etiquette are the pathways to my academic success. Teachers in the past have remarked that my learning style is peculiar, and encouraged me to be more actively engaged, but nearly fifteen years with a respectable C- average speaks for itself.

So the next time you’re lecturing, Professor McMillan, and think I’m a total jerkass for sketching girl-dragons with huge boobs and flamethrowers in the margin of whatever handout you’ve just distributed, remember that ambivalence is my learning style, and I’m somehow retaining enough of your lesson to flub the next exam.

January 27, 2008

Asian Chicks Remain the Holy Grail of Poon on U.S. Campuses

A Codependent Collegian Investigative Report
By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

As most colleges and universities around the United States have resumed classes for the spring 2008 term, one truth remains undeniably clear: Asian co-eds remain the holy grail of campus pussy due to their intelligence, mystique, and inexplicably consistent hotness.

Asian Co-eds: Delectable With or Without Chopsticks

“Dude, there’s like, four Asian girls in my English comp class, and they’re all different—Vietnamese, Korean, Japanese, and Heather’s from Laos or some shit,” remarked Brad Unger, a sophomore at the University of Delaware. “I say this because they all have different heritages and cultures, right, but all four of them are A students, and all of them are hotter than Heidi Klum slurping a pepperoni stick in slow-mo. Mark my words: when the weather changes in late March and all their hoodies come off, that class is gonna be Boner City.”

Part of this fascination with collegiate Asian women, it seems, is their flirty yet measured aloofness when engaging opposite sex.

“Look man, I’m not gonna lie—I’m a good looking dude and I get a lot of butt,” boasted USC’s NFL-bound quarterback John David Booty. “But I’ve had a major crush on this work-study girl Trish Okajima who re-shelves books in the library for three years, and it’s like, she could care less if I have to sneak emergency whacks in the third floor bathroom after our weekly chats together. We’ve talked so much Aristotle that I could write a goddamn dissertation, but she still won’t have coffee with me, let alone slurp my nut butter.”

Rich Olsen, a graduate student in Asian Studies at the University of Texas, echoed Booty’s exasperation.

“Who are these chicks fucking?” Olsen implored. “The have to fuck somebody. I’ve been studying Japanese for five years now, am constantly surrounded by gorgeous exchange students, and still the closest I’ve ever come to bagging an Asian chick was that time I smoked a joint of Maui Wowie and swiped my roommate’s porn collection when he was in jail.”

Professor Victor Walsh, Olsen’s academic advisor in the Asian Studies program at UT-Austin, offered his own prophetic assessment of the situation.

“The first time I saw Yoko Ono I knew I was smitten for life,” Dr. Walsh explained. “Now here I am, thirty years later, a pedantic, sexless scholar who just wanted some Asian hotness to jabber Cantonese while she spanked his ass. With the right blend of charm and booze any guy can bag a decent blonde or brunette, but Asian girls, man…you might as well chase the setting sun.”

January 22, 2008

Advice: Ask a Hardup College Freshman

Guest advice column by college freshman Kyle Hofstrau

Dear Hard-Up College Freshman:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years, but I am not sure we have a future. Sometimes I wonder if we should date other people. What do you think?
-----Jessica in State College, PA

Dear Jessica:

Oh God oh God oh God oh Jesus H. Christ! Stay RIGHT fucking there! I can best give you advice in your dorm room, and if there is a God, please oh PLEASE don't let Jessica leave that room! Oh, and if you see me put something in your drink, you must be hallucinating, 'cuz I would never do something like put a Roofie in your Diet Coke. Straight up.

Dear Hard-Up College Freshman:

After sleeping with this guy at a frat party last month, I think I might have contracted herpes. I'm pretty sure it was this one Alpha Gamma dude, but it could have been a bartender I went home with over break. What should I do?-----Kylie in Ann Arbor

Dear Kylie:

I would give ANYTHING to have a girlfriend, even one with herpes or syphilis or even AIDS. I would never cheat on her, and I would do anything she told me. I would bring her flowers in the morning, chocolates in the afternoon, and even her Valtrex at bedtime. I would even lick your open sores if you asked me to. Please, please, please, PLEASE let me be your boyfriend!

Dear Hard-Up College Freshman:

I already have a girlfriend back home, but this hot biology major has been dropping hints about how she wants to totally nail me. Meanwhile, this chick's roommate is even after my package. I mean, I want to be faithful to Missy, but there's more action here than a saint could fend off. Help!
-----Mixed-Up in Berkeley

Dear Mixed-Up:

Are you freaking kidding me? Are you really just messing with my lonely ass? It's ben so long since I got laid that my dick looks like a BBQ Slim Jim, and you get to choose from THREE hotties? Fuck me, man. Just fuck me. I'm more pathetic than a 43-year-old, crack-smoking gangsta at the Grammys.

January 18, 2008

Damn You Straight to Hell, Robert DOT Blackburn

Guest Editorial by Robert Blackburn,
Penn State Class of 2011

I have always been the only Robert Blackburn I ever knew. I grade school, junior high, high school - only me. When I worked for Starbucks, same story: just one Robert Blackburn in the company, and I had the robert.blackburn@starbucks.com email all to myself.

But I show up here at Penn State, thinking I would have my favorite email all to myself, and I find out that there is already a Robert Blackburn here.

Listen, bitch: this email name is mine, all mine. I did not register here and sink myself into debt just to find that I am now robert.blackburn2. That's right - I'm number-freaking-two.

That's the most jacked-up, smelly-ass, chicken-eating horseshit I have ever heard. Let it be known that I will deliver an apocalyptic beatdown upon you and your offspring should you continue to use the email name that is eternally my birthright, ordained by the Lord Jesus Christ Almighty Himself and communicated to me in a vision last week when I scarfed a couple mushrooms.

And if that also fails, may one thing be clear: there is only room for one Robert Blackburn at PSU, and that man is me. We are living in the End Times, when the Son of God shall return, when the righteous shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven, when sinners shall be condemned to eternal hellfire, and when Robert Blackburn gets back his name.


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January 16, 2008

An Open Epistle to the Douche Bag in the Back Corner

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
By Professor Daniel Wicklow
Penn State University

Wicklow: Peeved by Your Laziness & Boob-Ogling

Listen kid: I’ve barely gone over my syllabus for this course and you’re already dicking with your cell phone and eyeing the hot exchange student in the second row. And while I agree she has a smoking set of ta-ta’s, and my delivery is a bit dry due to a vicious hangover, I can tell that you’re already headed for Failsville unless you change your fucking act.

I just spent ten whole minutes going over my policies for attendance and late work. Did you catch any of it? Didn’t think so. See, the thing is, I get off on mentioning important stuff orally to see how dedicated you are as a student, and I haven’t updated this bullshit syllabus since 1998. That means you’re already way behind, and unless that cute little emo hoodie has a pussy under it, you’re out of luck when the first exam comes around.

But don’t think I’m a heartless guy, kid. In fact, I used to be a lot like you: thin, ambivalent, hornier than a Jack Russell Terrier who’s munched a spilt bottle of Viagra. But the fact of the matter is, unless you pay attention and fly right, your highest achievement will be making the hallowed status of Sandwich Artist at the local Subway.

So brush that greasy hair from your eyes, open up a goddamn notebook, and act like you’ve got some sense. After all, we’ve only been here for half an hour, and there’s three months left to go.

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January 9, 2008

These Handicapped Stalls Are Totally Inaccessible for Wheelchair Sex

Guest editorial by Jerry Kowalczek,
University of Miami, class of 2009

Look: I know you all mean well and everything, what with these new wheelchair stalls you built in the Student Union and the Library. It must be ten times easier to take a dump, and those of us with limitations on our mobility appreciate even the smallest crumbs tossed to us by the abled.

But, tell me - just how do you think two people in wheelchairs can get the freak on in this 10'x8' space? If you ask me, these handicapped stalls are totally inadequate for restroom sex.

I would bet you five bucks that the designer of this coital nightmare has two arms and two legs that work as advertised. He probably drills his wife over the bathroom sink at least once a month, and nails her in their NORMAL PEOPLE SHOWER weekly. No problem for them.

Did it ever occur to Mr. My-Legs-Work-Just-Fine that the differently abled like to get a little sumpin-sumpin, too?

Probably not.

Christ, it's hard enough just to cram two wheelchairs in one of these stalls, let alone have a little room to drop trousers and maneuver a pair of MANGLED CRIP-LEGS into position. And just think about what we have to go through for a little oral sex, and think how this is about impossible in this cramped workspace.

And, while I'm at it: the next time y'all bust in on me when I'm trying to tap some crippled bitch's ass, the best thing to do is simply say "Excuse me." That's called being polite. You ever try to get your Johnson back into game shape after some asshole barged in on you, then ran out of the room laughing and shouting: "OMIGOD!!! Dude, get the digital camera!!!"

Talk about being limper than a lunch room french fry.

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January 6, 2008

Academic Probation an "Undeniable Fascist Tool" to Campus Rebel

(Granville, OH) Denison University film major Brad Isikoff, long a local outcast who epitomizes "one man's fight against the machine," decried as "fascist tactics" efforts to keep Isikoff on academic probation.

"Face it - the weapon of the dictator is never so much propaganda as the use of censorship," Isikoff declared to passersby. "Denison University hopes to silence me through academic censorship, proving that universities are just cogs in the worldwide fascist regime."

Isikoff described the university's decision as evidence of the "misery of global capitalism."

"Listen up - this process of capitalist restructuring, which has been underway for over two decades, but one aim: permanently destroying the established centers of proletarian power," he railed. "This so-called 'academic probation' is a thinly-veiled effort at attacking the core of proletarian revolt here in Granville. Even more bogus is the fact that persons sympathetic to the revolution - nmely my parents - are threatening to withdraw critical logistical and financial support. Way uncool, that."

The university's attempts to collect on last semester's balance, added Isikoff, amounted to "primitive fetishism."

"Denison's trumped-up 'tuition bill' is the classic example of fictitious capital: paper claims of wealth in excess of the total available surplus value," he noted. "And what does it mean when companies like GE and GM now earn more profits from their financial divisions than they do from production? Denison University is but a microcosm of the problems faced by the proletariat around the globe, and the sooner we torch this accumulative Leviathan known as Denison the better, I say."


January 2, 2008

The End Times Are at Hand, Y'all

Guest Prophecy by
Kyle Renser, Ohio State Class of 2010

Yea, sayeth the Lord, for upon the Earth comes a cloud, a cloud that brings deception and delusion, a cloud that will cover the earth as end times approach you. Verily, I say, the Lord thy God foretells a time of woe and despair to begin next Monday, known by sinners as Spring Semester.

Destruction will soon be upon you, sickness will be upon you, and gnashing of teeth will be upon you. The Lord thy God sayeth that His wrath, as manifest in the hurricanes and earthquakes, caused you to tremble in fear, but you have seen nothing, for as in the days of old in Egypt I am about to raise My hand from the land, and the things that came then will pale in comparison with the misery ye shall receive as the term begins.

Think of the Holy Ass-Kicking USC delivered unto the Illini, and ye shall get a glimpse of that which awaits.

I say unto you touch not the unclean things, especially not thine crotch, touch not and enter not into the wicked world, but keep yourself clean from these things. For it is through cleanliness from the world and abstention from evil that you shall sustain you in this coming term, sayeth the Lord. Those who touch not the $4.00 pitchers at yon Big Kahuna's Beach Club and those who hide themselves from the Wet T-Shirt contests at yon Deja Vu will be those I hold close to My Holy Bosom, and who shall not flunketh out of school in this term of misery and woe.

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