.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}
January 18, 2008

Damn You Straight to Hell, Robert DOT Blackburn

Guest Editorial by Robert Blackburn,
Penn State Class of 2011

I have always been the only Robert Blackburn I ever knew. I grade school, junior high, high school - only me. When I worked for Starbucks, same story: just one Robert Blackburn in the company, and I had the robert.blackburn@starbucks.com email all to myself.

But I show up here at Penn State, thinking I would have my favorite email all to myself, and I find out that there is already a Robert Blackburn here.

Listen, bitch: this email name is mine, all mine. I did not register here and sink myself into debt just to find that I am now robert.blackburn2. That's right - I'm number-freaking-two.

That's the most jacked-up, smelly-ass, chicken-eating horseshit I have ever heard. Let it be known that I will deliver an apocalyptic beatdown upon you and your offspring should you continue to use the email name that is eternally my birthright, ordained by the Lord Jesus Christ Almighty Himself and communicated to me in a vision last week when I scarfed a couple mushrooms.

And if that also fails, may one thing be clear: there is only room for one Robert Blackburn at PSU, and that man is me. We are living in the End Times, when the Son of God shall return, when the righteous shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven, when sinners shall be condemned to eternal hellfire, and when Robert Blackburn gets back his name.


Labels: ,

Comments: Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home
Copyright 2007, Codependent Collegian ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Codependent Collegian ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Codependent Collegian ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Codependent Collegian ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?