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January 18, 2008

Damn You Straight to Hell, Robert DOT Blackburn

Guest Editorial by Robert Blackburn,
Penn State Class of 2011


I have always been the only Robert Blackburn I ever knew. I grade school, junior high, high school - only me. When I worked for Starbucks, same story: just one Robert Blackburn in the company, and I had the robert.blackburn@starbucks.com email all to myself.

But I show up here at Penn State, thinking I would have my favorite email all to myself, and I find out that there is already a Robert Blackburn here.

Listen, bitch: this email name is mine, all mine. I did not register here and sink myself into debt just to find that I am now robert.blackburn2. That's right - I'm number-freaking-two.

That's the most jacked-up, smelly-ass, chicken-eating horseshit I have ever heard. Let it be known that I will deliver an apocalyptic beatdown upon you and your offspring should you continue to use the email name that is eternally my birthright, ordained by the Lord Jesus Christ Almighty Himself and communicated to me in a vision last week when I scarfed a couple mushrooms.

And if that also fails, may one thing be clear: there is only room for one Robert Blackburn at PSU, and that man is me. We are living in the End Times, when the Son of God shall return, when the righteous shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven, when sinners shall be condemned to eternal hellfire, and when Robert Blackburn gets back his name.

Amen.

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