Codependent Collegian

Guest editorial by Jerry Kowalczek,
University of Miami, class of 2009

Look: I know you all mean well and everything, what with these new wheelchair stalls you built in the Student Union and the Library. It must be ten times easier to take a dump, and those of us with limitations on our mobility appreciate even the smallest crumbs tossed to us by the abled.

But, tell me - just how do you think two people in wheelchairs can get the freak on in this 10'x8' space? If you ask me, these handicapped stalls are totally inadequate for restroom sex.

I would bet you five bucks that the designer of this coital nightmare has two arms and two legs that work as advertised. He probably drills his wife over the bathroom sink at least once a month, and nails her in their NORMAL PEOPLE SHOWER weekly. No problem for them.

Did it ever occur to Mr. My-Legs-Work-Just-Fine that the differently abled like to get a little sumpin-sumpin, too?

Probably not.

Christ, it's hard enough just to cram two wheelchairs in one of these stalls, let alone have a little room to drop trousers and maneuver a pair of MANGLED CRIP-LEGS into position. And just think about what we have to go through for a little oral sex, and think how this is about impossible in this cramped workspace.

And, while I'm at it: the next time y'all bust in on me when I'm trying to tap some crippled bitch's ass, the best thing to do is simply say "Excuse me." That's called being polite. You ever try to get your Johnson back into game shape after some asshole barged in on you, then ran out of the room laughing and shouting: "OMIGOD!!! Dude, get the digital camera!!!"

Talk about being limper than a lunch room french fry.

Labels: accessibility, ADA