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January 22, 2008

Advice: Ask a Hardup College Freshman

Guest advice column by college freshman Kyle Hofstrau

Dear Hard-Up College Freshman:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years, but I am not sure we have a future. Sometimes I wonder if we should date other people. What do you think?
-----Jessica in State College, PA

Dear Jessica:

Oh God oh God oh God oh Jesus H. Christ! Stay RIGHT fucking there! I can best give you advice in your dorm room, and if there is a God, please oh PLEASE don't let Jessica leave that room! Oh, and if you see me put something in your drink, you must be hallucinating, 'cuz I would never do something like put a Roofie in your Diet Coke. Straight up.

Dear Hard-Up College Freshman:

After sleeping with this guy at a frat party last month, I think I might have contracted herpes. I'm pretty sure it was this one Alpha Gamma dude, but it could have been a bartender I went home with over break. What should I do?-----Kylie in Ann Arbor

Dear Kylie:

I would give ANYTHING to have a girlfriend, even one with herpes or syphilis or even AIDS. I would never cheat on her, and I would do anything she told me. I would bring her flowers in the morning, chocolates in the afternoon, and even her Valtrex at bedtime. I would even lick your open sores if you asked me to. Please, please, please, PLEASE let me be your boyfriend!

Dear Hard-Up College Freshman:

I already have a girlfriend back home, but this hot biology major has been dropping hints about how she wants to totally nail me. Meanwhile, this chick's roommate is even after my package. I mean, I want to be faithful to Missy, but there's more action here than a saint could fend off. Help!
-----Mixed-Up in Berkeley

Dear Mixed-Up:

Are you freaking kidding me? Are you really just messing with my lonely ass? It's ben so long since I got laid that my dick looks like a BBQ Slim Jim, and you get to choose from THREE hotties? Fuck me, man. Just fuck me. I'm more pathetic than a 43-year-old, crack-smoking gangsta at the Grammys.

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