.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}
January 16, 2008

An Open Epistle to the Douche Bag in the Back Corner

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
By Professor Daniel Wicklow
Penn State University

Wicklow: Peeved by Your Laziness & Boob-Ogling

Listen kid: I’ve barely gone over my syllabus for this course and you’re already dicking with your cell phone and eyeing the hot exchange student in the second row. And while I agree she has a smoking set of ta-ta’s, and my delivery is a bit dry due to a vicious hangover, I can tell that you’re already headed for Failsville unless you change your fucking act.

I just spent ten whole minutes going over my policies for attendance and late work. Did you catch any of it? Didn’t think so. See, the thing is, I get off on mentioning important stuff orally to see how dedicated you are as a student, and I haven’t updated this bullshit syllabus since 1998. That means you’re already way behind, and unless that cute little emo hoodie has a pussy under it, you’re out of luck when the first exam comes around.

But don’t think I’m a heartless guy, kid. In fact, I used to be a lot like you: thin, ambivalent, hornier than a Jack Russell Terrier who’s munched a spilt bottle of Viagra. But the fact of the matter is, unless you pay attention and fly right, your highest achievement will be making the hallowed status of Sandwich Artist at the local Subway.

So brush that greasy hair from your eyes, open up a goddamn notebook, and act like you’ve got some sense. After all, we’ve only been here for half an hour, and there’s three months left to go.

Labels: ,

Comments: Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home
Copyright 2007, Codependent Collegian ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Codependent Collegian ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Codependent Collegian ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Codependent Collegian ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?