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January 16, 2008

An Open Epistle to the Douche Bag in the Back Corner

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
By Professor Daniel Wicklow
Penn State University


Wicklow: Peeved by Your Laziness & Boob-Ogling


Listen kid: I’ve barely gone over my syllabus for this course and you’re already dicking with your cell phone and eyeing the hot exchange student in the second row. And while I agree she has a smoking set of ta-ta’s, and my delivery is a bit dry due to a vicious hangover, I can tell that you’re already headed for Failsville unless you change your fucking act.

I just spent ten whole minutes going over my policies for attendance and late work. Did you catch any of it? Didn’t think so. See, the thing is, I get off on mentioning important stuff orally to see how dedicated you are as a student, and I haven’t updated this bullshit syllabus since 1998. That means you’re already way behind, and unless that cute little emo hoodie has a pussy under it, you’re out of luck when the first exam comes around.

But don’t think I’m a heartless guy, kid. In fact, I used to be a lot like you: thin, ambivalent, hornier than a Jack Russell Terrier who’s munched a spilt bottle of Viagra. But the fact of the matter is, unless you pay attention and fly right, your highest achievement will be making the hallowed status of Sandwich Artist at the local Subway.

So brush that greasy hair from your eyes, open up a goddamn notebook, and act like you’ve got some sense. After all, we’ve only been here for half an hour, and there’s three months left to go.

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