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January 27, 2008

Asian Chicks Remain the Holy Grail of Poon on U.S. Campuses

A Codependent Collegian Investigative Report
By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

As most colleges and universities around the United States have resumed classes for the spring 2008 term, one truth remains undeniably clear: Asian co-eds remain the holy grail of campus pussy due to their intelligence, mystique, and inexplicably consistent hotness.

Asian Co-eds: Delectable With or Without Chopsticks

“Dude, there’s like, four Asian girls in my English comp class, and they’re all different—Vietnamese, Korean, Japanese, and Heather’s from Laos or some shit,” remarked Brad Unger, a sophomore at the University of Delaware. “I say this because they all have different heritages and cultures, right, but all four of them are A students, and all of them are hotter than Heidi Klum slurping a pepperoni stick in slow-mo. Mark my words: when the weather changes in late March and all their hoodies come off, that class is gonna be Boner City.”

Part of this fascination with collegiate Asian women, it seems, is their flirty yet measured aloofness when engaging opposite sex.

“Look man, I’m not gonna lie—I’m a good looking dude and I get a lot of butt,” boasted USC’s NFL-bound quarterback John David Booty. “But I’ve had a major crush on this work-study girl Trish Okajima who re-shelves books in the library for three years, and it’s like, she could care less if I have to sneak emergency whacks in the third floor bathroom after our weekly chats together. We’ve talked so much Aristotle that I could write a goddamn dissertation, but she still won’t have coffee with me, let alone slurp my nut butter.”

Rich Olsen, a graduate student in Asian Studies at the University of Texas, echoed Booty’s exasperation.

“Who are these chicks fucking?” Olsen implored. “The have to fuck somebody. I’ve been studying Japanese for five years now, am constantly surrounded by gorgeous exchange students, and still the closest I’ve ever come to bagging an Asian chick was that time I smoked a joint of Maui Wowie and swiped my roommate’s porn collection when he was in jail.”

Professor Victor Walsh, Olsen’s academic advisor in the Asian Studies program at UT-Austin, offered his own prophetic assessment of the situation.

“The first time I saw Yoko Ono I knew I was smitten for life,” Dr. Walsh explained. “Now here I am, thirty years later, a pedantic, sexless scholar who just wanted some Asian hotness to jabber Cantonese while she spanked his ass. With the right blend of charm and booze any guy can bag a decent blonde or brunette, but Asian girls, man…you might as well chase the setting sun.”

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