Codependent Collegian

(Washington, DC) Georgetown junior education major Tad Cochrane was "highly pissed" that his dorm partner Pete told him the ending to the new film "United 93."

"That was a completely bogus thing to do," said Cochrane. "We were sitting there, gnawing on some popcorn, and then he blurts out:"You know they're all gonna die, right?" I mean, what kind of shit is that?"

Cochrane said that the spoiling of the plot was "way uncool."

"I was all like, "What the fuck?" What kind of twisted person spoils endings like that?" he asked. "I plunked down $10.50 for the ticket and another $20 in munchies because we just blazed a fat-ass Blunt, and then Pete goes and wrecks everything."

Cochrane does not plan to seek revenge for the act.

"But you can bet I won't see a movie with that retard again, at least not first-run," he said. "And no way in hell am I going to stop nailing his sister Maya, either. In fact, I think I'll make sure we are getting jiggy in the dorm when he comes home tonight just to fuck with him, the prick."

Rush+Limbaugh

By Codependent Collegian contributing editor Stiffy Steve

I think I flunked two clases, dude. And I know that doesn't sound so bad, but I was only taking three this semester. I was "taking it easy," remember, to help myself get back on my feet after the breakup with Rachel. Oh, that reminds me, I saw her the other day. She said "hi." She was laying out on the quad next to that assclown boyfriend of hers, so she couldn't actually say hi, but she looked at me and I know she meant it.

Do you know what this is gonna do to my financial aid? I was already on probation thanks to that kinesiology course from last semester; what a joke that was. Now I'm probably going to have to sign up for that UNIV100 course that teaches you study skills and shit. I'll have to spend all summer relearning Dewey Decimals with the 'tards, man. I can't believe this.

I was supposed to go to Boca with my Dad this summer. He just called yesterday, and was all like, "How's my favorite vetrinarian," and I was all "I'm not a vet yet Dad, but I'm getting there." But I didn't get anywhere; in fact, I think this sets me back by at least a year. Now I'm gonna have to cancel Boca and pay out of pocket for summer school.

Awwww, dude. That means I'll probably have to go get a job at Mixie's Subs, 'cause they won't let me back into Hoopers, not after that dishwater-bongwater incident. And Mixie's makes you wear those gay paper hats all the time. Shit!

I think the walls are closing in, man. I might have to seriously rethink my gameplan. I mean, I love dogs and cats and stuff, but do I really want to spend the next six years in class, and then have to operate on an iguana with a heart murmer? Hell no, dude. Reptiles give me the squirms in a serious way, and I'll be damned if I waste my life training to resusitate some two-dicked scale-factory.

Yeah, it's starting to become clear now. You are "The Man," man, for helping me sort this out. I mean, second semester of freshman year is such an important educationary milestone, and you've gotta have some serious support to pull it off. So, I totally owe you one. You're gonna be at the big Pimp 'n Hoes party, right? Awesome! I'll see you there.

Left: Bush wants to get the little snots ready, that's all

(Tallahassee, FL) Students would be required to pick a major and minor during kindergarten as part of legislation that unanimously cleared the Florida Senate Education Committee Tuesday.

Governor Jeb Bush believes that, since personality is largely formed by that time, kindergartners should be able to make career decisions as well.

"You can pretty much tell by kindergarten who is going to be a success and who is goign to pretty much have a shitty life," said the governor. "By choosing majors and minors, we can save society's losers from 13 or 14 fruitless years of kicking the seat of the kids in front of them."

Bush believes that the law will also help teachers focus on the "important children."

"Let's face it - some kids are just destined to be cleaning up the shitters, and some are destined to run multinational corporations," he said. "The sooner tomorrow's janitors recognize their fate, the sooner they can come to term with that future."

Bush does not believe that such tracking techniques deny opportunities to late bloomers.

"We had this kid we called Booger in third grade, and he was the biggest doofus to ever wear mismatched socks," he laughed. "I looked him up a couple of years ago, and he was working midnights at Burger King. Same old Booger. Why make the poor slob suffer through Ralph Waldo Emerson, trigonometry, and chemistry? He could have been cooking our fries at Midland High way back in 1968."

Left: Not hip, not hop

(Toledo, OH) Senior business student Jon Hewitt is fed up with what he calls "ghetto bullshit" that other finance majors - mostly white - send his way.

"I was giving a presentation in an eCommerce class when this idiot agreed with my argument by saying: 'Yo, I'm down wit dat,'" said Hewitt. "At first I thought that he was mocking me, until he used the phrase 'bling-bling' to describe my marketing approach."

Hewitt said that the hip-hop euphemisms are most likely an attempt by white students to find some common ground.

"The problem is, I don't even listen to that type of music," he said, adding that he spends a lot of time listening to Dave Matthews, Fallout Boy and Ben Folds Five. "So I don't even understand half the shit they are saying."

The worst experience, said Hewitt, was when a professor fell into the condescending behavior.

"I was attending a financial management seminar and the professor kept using the word 'def,'" he said. "It took three times before I realized that she was not talking about hearing-impaired customers. What a moron."


Left: Classmate "Puffy" Gunderschmidt, jes tryin' to help a brotha out an' shit

Classmates in Hewitt's eCommerce class disagreed with his assessment, adding that they are "clueless" as to why Hewitt is perturbed.

"Yeah, boy-eee, that nigga be one tight-assed freak," said Jeremy "Puffy" Gunderschmidt. "He all like: 'I think perhaps you have me confused with another person' and I'm all like: 'Jes chill out, cuz.' He all up in mah grill an' shit."

(Baltimore, MD) Derrick Lingenschnauffer, in whose name is the lease for the house on West North Avenue, appeared before his fellow Coppin State housemates ysterday to announce some changes.

"Gerard Backus is officially leaving this place as of... right fucking now," he read from a prepared script. "It has been lo, fourteen months since the douchebag paid anything resembling rent, even taking into consideration the dime bag he accidentally left here during the Final Four weekend. If anyone sees him, tell him the rest of the pathetic pile he calls "his shit" is in the garage."

Lingenschnauffer continued.

"In his place in the third floor attic I would like to introduce Brian Hooper, a Coppin State junior who has an actual job," he read to mild applause. "Brian possesses the one important qualification - $150 - that separated him from the other vermin who expressed an interest in the squirrel's nest-cum-loft. He will also signal that this house fully intends to reinvigorate itself."

The lessee announced one other important change in the surprise shakeup.

"Weezy will no longer be handling major policy decisions, such as beer procurement and weed man payment," he said. "The Weezer has a habit of choosing tasteless suds and short-changing the dopeman, resulting in our house being delivered the worst quality weed in the DC-Baltimore corridor. From this point forward Weezy will only be engaged in our flower-smashing campaign against the old hag next door."

Lingenschnauffer wished the remaining housemates good luck on exams, and a most excellent weekend seeking temporary female companionship in the local saloons.

By: Codependent Collegian Advice Columnist, J. Randall Bellingham

Hello again, love monkeys! It is I, J. Randall Bellingham, here to bing love to the loveless and give a smackdown to those in need of it.

I have been busy polishing the Mojo and penetrating into the abyss that is love, but enough about me.

You are here because you want to tap into my expertise, not to hear me boast about my conquests of many supermodel women.

Yes, there have been so many, and so many beautiful moments in which I have driven my pile-driver into so much forbidden supermodel territory.

But that is for another time.

Dear Randall:

I did something really stupid and I need your help. Last night things got kinda weird with Jenny and I. In a moment of drunken freaky lovemaking, I grabbed a jar of salsa - HOT - when I couldn't find the K-Y Jelly. Needless to say, we are both having some odd physical problems, and Jenny is really, really pissed at me. What should I do?

Sam in Palo Alto

Dear Sam:

My friend, they do not refer to certain anatomical regions as "tacos" for nothing. I suggest that a large bag of Tostitos and some Jose Cuervo might just be your ticket out of Tijuana.

Dear Randall:

I know that brothers and sisters are not supposed to, you know, "do the dirty," but my sister and I are both dropping suggestive hints that we could go there. What do you think? By the way, she is hot and of age.

Cooter in Tuscaloosa

Dear Cooter:

There is no inhibition that the right amount of cheap whiskey cannot overcome, and nothing the same bottle of hooch cannot erase from the memory banks. I say: Go for it. If nothing else, you will have plenty to keep a bevy of therapists gainfully employed for the next 20 years, and you guys might end up with one of those really scary looking mutant kids that you could put in the circus or something.Proof Eminem

(Baton Rouge, LA) Sherman Loeffler, a junior at Louisiana State University, has found a unique demographic for dating: women who survived Hurricane Katrina.

"Katrina chicks are the best - they really appreciate anything you do for them," said Loeffler. "While sorority girls would look at you funny if you took them to Burger King, a Katrina survivor is grateful even if you make them order from the dollar menu."

Loeffler said that the tricky sexual negotiations associated with traditional relationships are not present with Katrina survivors.

"You waltz in with a couple of rolls of toilet paper, some cans of sardines, and a tube of toothpaste, and they think you are Brad Pitt," he chuckled. "And they screw like crazed rabbits once you get them talking about their flood experiences."

Loeffler does not feel guilty about his techniques.

"Hey man - is this really any worse than pretending like you are a lawyer or a doctor to pick up someone at a bar?" he asked. "I don't think so. Hurricane victims like some security, and I give it to them in an upfront manner. Besides, flowers die and you can only eat so much chocolate." Proof Eminem

(East Lansing, MI) Tad Bowerman's student loans ran out three weeks ago, and the junior engineering student found himself in "desperate straits."

That's when he decided to go "all-out" on a process of full-scale acquisition of houesehold needs.

"It started when we crashed this hotel party last weekend, and we saw an unattended maid's cart," said Bowerman. "It was a free-for-all on sopas, shampoos, mouthwash, and about 2 dozen rolls of toilet paper."

Bowerman said that he and his roommate, Chris Jericho, have been on a "wild hunt" every night since.

"We hit the Wendy's on Grand River and waltzed out with two cases of crackers and a box of ketchup," he said, adding that the pair also netted "two sleeve" of napkins. "Then we drove past this KFC and hit the jackpot."

While the delivery driver was inside flirting with the day manager, Tad and Chris helped themselves to "shitloads" of frozen goods.

"We couldn't believe it - whole cases of chicken nuggets, french fries, and catfish filets," said Bowerman. "We might be able to get by on this until our summer refund comes."

Jerischo said that neither man believes that what they are doing is "theft."

"Listen - they got insurance for stuff like this," he said. "Besides with the money they have raped us over the years - we deserve a few freebies." Proof Eminem

By Codependent Collegian contributor Feckless Freddie

(Purcellville, VA) Stung by charges that the school is a racist enclave, the board of trustees at Partick Henry College voted to amend the institution's standards regarding minorities.

From hence forward, the school will consider persons of Irish and Italian descent as minorities.

"For me personally, this is exactly the right thing for me to be doing at this stage of my life, and I believe our students feel the same way," said Mitchell Farriss, college president. "For me, nothing could be more rewarding than teaching minorities, especially if we can accomplish this goal without bringing blacks or Hispanics on campus."

Farriss believes that there is a Divine presence in his work.

"I believe that God is indeed at work here at Patrick Henry College. His hand is evident in every facet of the college - from the white columns to the white paper upon which we write our white thoughts," he said. "And it resonates in our daily chapel, where the truth of God's Word is applied to the issues facing white people today."

Farriss said that there is an "epic struggle" underway in which Patrick Henry is involved.

"At first, my goal was simply to help white people hang onto a vestige of freedom, so they could train their children in righteousness and liberty," he said. "But I have since come to believe that those white children will make a truly significant impact upon our nation-the most significant impact since our nation's founding. I believe we are raising a generation of white people who will stand out as a godly remnant in tomorrow's society, ready to reclaim the biblical principles upon which our white land was founded." Proof Eminem

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Vermillion, SD)—University of South Dakota junior Jim Whitehawk was shocked yesterday evening when an altercation at a local pizza parlor resulted in a heated exchange of inaccurate hate speech.

Sadly, this is not the first time Whitehawk’s complexion has baffled enraged bystanders and resulted in poor attempts at offensiveness.

“I was about 13 cents short for my carry-out bill, so I apologized and ran out to my car,” stated Whitehawk. “On my way to the door, this fat plumber called me a ‘cheap wetback.’ What the fuck? Did the guy think I was deaf?”

Unfortunately, the situation only escalated from there.

“I told the bastard off, straight up,” remarked Whitehawk. “I mean, after three centuries of genocide and reservations, I have a short fuse.”

The plumber—who agreed to speak with the Codependent Collegian only under the condition of anonymity—defended his right to free speech.

“Look, the kid is brown, who gives a shit where he comes from,” asserted the plumber. “Maybe he should spend more time saving his money and less time bitching about his ‘sacred heritage.’”

Proof Eminem

(Toledo, OH) Students at the University of Toledo may find their trips to the restroom a bit less mundane if Wally Stensenbrunner has his way.

The 44-year old Elvis impersonator, who formerly spent hours hanging out at the financial aid office, said that his goal is to "bring a little King" into the lives of UT students.

"Listen, baby - you can never get too much King," purred Stensenbrunner to a passing female. "When you are all through in there, you come out and see me, OK?"

Stensenbrunner believes that some of the real Elvis's legendary charisma rubbed off on him.

"I saw him in 1972 in Vegas with my mom," he recalled. "Mama gave me a handkerchief that the King pulled from his crotch and rubbed it on me. Women have found me irresistible ever since."

A trio of sorority girls, however, seemed to take issue with Stensenbrunner's claims.

"The last time that fat freak saw'90210" was on a scale," said one of the young women. "I bet they have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get him through." Proof

(Toledo, OH) Subcomandante Bob, editor of the e-zines Codependent Collegian, Toledo Tales, and National Nitwit, joined fellow Toledo Blogger historymike in advocating a boycott of Google AdSense.

"It was an easy decision to make, since we made $.89 in three weeks running Google ads," said the drunken buffoon. "Besides, Historymike is always good for a handout. I bet the guy will be good for dinner AND a fifth of Stolichnaya after this."

Subcomandante Bob believes that the boycott will have "profound impact" on the Internet behemoth.

"Oh yeah - Google will be shitting bricks when they see this," he said, downing a double shot of cheap booze. "They won't even know what hit them."

Left: Jerry Winslow, Eddie, and normal son Todd

(Madison, WI) "Defeat" is not a word in the vocabulary of Jerry Winslow, and the arrival of his son Eddie in 1978 posed a unique challenge for the industrial sales rep.

"When the doc said the word 'retarded,' it really threw me for a loop," said Winslow, admitting that he was "pretty freaked" about parenting a special needs child. "But I made a decision right then and there: no boy of mine is ever going to be a quitter, no matter how mental he is."

Winslow says that, despite his challenges, Eddie will one day graduate from a state college.

"Yeah, he's 28 now, and still working on the alphabet, but this kid is not going to let his old man down, are you Eddie?" he asked the young man. "Are you, sport? SPORT? Attaboy - now quit drooling, because HUMANS DON'T DROOL!."

Winslow said that nothing will stop Eddie from reaching his dream.

"I dont care if we have to pay someone to take his tests - the kid is getting his bachelor's," said Winslow. "I will not have anyone in this family hiding his pansy ass behind the label of "disabled." Mary Winkler

(Los Angeles, CA) The mother of UCLA freshman Matthew Spielmann expressed discontent with her son's recent Youtube productions.

"I know he's a college man now, but is it really necessary for him to post videos of his roommate going to the bathroom?" asked Catherine Spielmann. "There are some things the world does not need to see, you know?"

A video that Mrs. Spielmann found particularly "shocking" involved a keg party, green dye, and an edema.

"Why someone would film another student, well, shooting green liquid out their buttocks is beyond me," she said, shaking her head. "He certainly didn't learn that sort of behavior here, let me tell you."

Spielmann hopes that Easter weekend will be an opportunity for her to impress upon young Matthew the need to show greater restraint in his filmmaking.

"I can yell all I want on the phone, but when he is home Matthew can't hide," she said. "You know, is it too much to ask that he post videos from when we went to the circus in 1992? I think a lot of people would watch something like that." Mary Winkler

Left: Duke lacrosse player about to give his opponent the shaft

(Durham, NC) Amid a sex abuse investigation that now includes profane and threatening e-mails, Duke canceled its men's lacrosse season Wednesday and the team's coach resigned.

None of this comes as a surprise to psychologist Neil Kohlbert, who blames the sport itself for the alleged rape scandal plaguing the school.

"The very terminology of the sport is built around forced sexual, encounters. Take the offense, which is called the "attack" unit," he said as he folded his hands. "The attackman's responsibility is to score. A good attackman demonstrates excellent stick work with both hands. I mean, they train these kids to become rapists."

Left: Psychologist Neil Kohlbert

Kohlbert referred to the equipment as further evidence of the process of instilling brutal sex in the minds of players.

"The phallic-shaped "crosse" even uses the word "head" to describe the thrusting orifice at the end of the shaft," he said, crossing his legs. "The boys are taught to penetrate the crease and...I mean - can it get more obvious than that?"

The Durham psychologist downplayed suggestions that he is reading too much into lacrosse terminology, and continued with his analysis.

"Any sport in which "riding," "spearing," "release," and "shooting" are part of the game is creating sex-obsessed beats," said Kohlbert, rubbing his inner thighs. "I think we are witnessing just the tip of a raging monster that will savagely defile this sport." Mary Winkler

Guest editorial by Derrick Lingenschnauffer

If Derrick must endure the complete incompetence of his local postman, who insists on putting the neighbor's mail in Derick's postbox, then you must be prepared to handle the look of contempt Derrick gives you when you see him in the Starbucks.

If Derrick must accept that his girlfriend is "way too tired to go out on Thursday," then you must deal with the fact that Derrick has taken two parking spaces and blocked you in at the Circuit City.

If Derrick must listen to the shouts of children as they invade his yard, when all Derrick wants to do is study in peace, then you must be patient with Derrick as he dials your number at three o'clock in the morning and hangs up after a single ring.

If Derrick is not granted an extension by Professor Hodgekiss, then you will be subject to Derrick's flatulence, which he could abate by simply limiting his intake of raw vegetables.

If Derrick has the misfortune of tripping over a crack in the pavement, then you will have to select another bathroom stall, for Derrick's urine will have been sprayed willy-nilly about the one you've opened, and quite possibly beneath the partition, also contaminating the one to your left.

Such is the order of things: if Derrick must suffer, then so shall you.

By Codependent Collegian contributor Feckless Freddie

(DeKalb, IL) Northern Illinois University sophomore Mitchell Aldersgate recently regaled a "life-changing moment" for Codependent Collegian reporters that involved a Hustler magazine and "sh'loads of hand cream."

"I know this sounds crazy, but jerking off to that sultry Melba Luscious was probably the greatest event in my life," said Aldersgate. "She looked right at me as I blew a massive wad on her high heels."

Most impressive, according to Aldersgate, was the synchronicity between his heartbeat and his ejaculatory spasms.

"For about fifteen seconds the two rhythms were in perfect sync," he said, gazing off into the distance. "That, and the massive hit of nitrous I took just before I blasted off made this one unforgettable chicken-choking."

Aldersgate remains hopeful that he will one day top this epiphanic orgasm.

"There are plenty of unknown babes whose pictures I have yet to be aroused by, and for whom I have yet to lube up," he said. "As long as this Johnson can still throb, I will never give up the dream of the Nirvanic stroke-job." Mary Winkler

(Columbus, OH) Capping thirty years of declining state support, legislators in Ohio have agreed on a bill to bring "bare minimum" levels of funding for higher education.

Beginning in August 2006 all undergraduate students at state colleges will receive one dozen No. 2 pencils and a plastic logo cup in lieu of actual funding to universities.

"The logo cup will be available with designs for every state university," said House Speaker Jon Husted (R-Kettering). "Everyone but Cleveland State, that is. We just couldn't get enough legislators to give them their own cup, so they'll have to share with Akron."

Husted said that the state, which is facing serious budget woes, could no longer afford to provide actual cash to state institutions.

"Face it - I'm going to be long dead by the time this generation of undereducated Ohioans is running the show," he laughed. "What do they call it, SOFP? Some Other Fucker's Problem - heh!"

Students next fall will also be able to choose between styles of the free pencils, said Husted.

"We will have different colors available, and we'll make a few thousand mechanical pencils available for those geeky types whose asses I used to kick in high school," he said. "I don't know why those anal-retentive freaks gotta have them, but we'll go the extra mile. You never know when one of those techno-twats might come in handy." Mary Winkler

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

The sacred spot after a Monday morning visit from the janitorial staff

(Gainsville, FL)—After the Florida Gators trounced George Mason on Saturday in the Final Four, junior Dan Williams was in “dire need” of the restroom facilities, having drunk over 13 cans of Miller High Life.

That is when—according to eyewitness reports—he formed an unusual spiritual bond with a booger collage pasted on top of a dormitory urinal.

“I was on cloud nine when we won, and really had to piss,” remarked Williams. “All of a sudden I spot this array of boogers slathered on the urinal. Normally I’d get half sick, but for some reason, it looked totally awesome, kind of Dada-esque.”

And while the bathrooms of Vessey Hall are notorious for their lack of hygienic maintenance, this is not the first time Williams has found beauty among the repulsive while intoxicated.

His close friends recall similar occurrences in recent months, such as the night he photographed a stranger’s vomit on the sidewalk, and the bonfire kegger where he got sidetracked by a rotting deer corpse.

“Dan is a weirdo, straight up,” vented roommate Carl Dobson. “When he drinks, he like, turns into some kind of wacked out artist. If we hadn’t dragged him out of the shitter, I’m sure he would have set up a blank canvas and started a portrait of those boogers.”

(Ann Arbor, MI) There are many things that Josh Kellerman like about his girlfriend Mandy Flaherty. He says she is cute, intelligent, and fun to be around.

But there is one characteristic that might spell doom for this undergraduate couple.

"Mandy likes some of the most God-awful bands that have ever recorded music," Josh confessed. "It's one thing when she plays that stupid Creed CD in her car, but it's really embarassing when she actually mentions at a party that she likes those fuckers, and their heavy-handed, plodding, and juvenile attempts at philosophy."

Kellerman said that being a Creed fan, though, is not the worst of Mandy's aural excesses.

"I caught her singing along to a Third Eye Blind song the other day, and we had to have a serious talk," he said, shaking his head. "I find it difficult to envision a future in which my life partner is happy with formulaic college rock radio bands that would sell their sisters for a hit record."

A "moment of cold insight" happened for Kellerman this week when he witnessed Mandy tapping her toe to Mötley Crüe's "Girls, Girls, Girls."

"It was bad enough when she liked that maggoty, fake-devil album "Dr. Feelgood" by those low rent scumbags," he said. "Do you really think those cretins actually believe in that Satanic bullshit? They saw how Black Sabbath and Kiss used that imagery and made a calculating choice to incorporate it - soullessly - into the fecal remnants they call 'music.' Man, I got some decisions to make." Mary Winkler