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April 7, 2006

Student Relives Greatest Masturbatory Experience

By Codependent Collegian contributor Feckless Freddie

(DeKalb, IL) Northern Illinois University sophomore Mitchell Aldersgate recently regaled a "life-changing moment" for Codependent Collegian reporters that involved a Hustler magazine and "sh'loads of hand cream."

"I know this sounds crazy, but jerking off to that sultry Melba Luscious was probably the greatest event in my life," said Aldersgate. "She looked right at me as I blew a massive wad on her high heels."

Most impressive, according to Aldersgate, was the synchronicity between his heartbeat and his ejaculatory spasms.

"For about fifteen seconds the two rhythms were in perfect sync," he said, gazing off into the distance. "That, and the massive hit of nitrous I took just before I blasted off made this one unforgettable chicken-choking."

Aldersgate remains hopeful that he will one day top this epiphanic orgasm.

"There are plenty of unknown babes whose pictures I have yet to be aroused by, and for whom I have yet to lube up," he said. "As long as this Johnson can still throb, I will never give up the dream of the Nirvanic stroke-job." Mary Winkler

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