April 14, 2006
By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor
(Vermillion, SD)—University of South Dakota junior Jim Whitehawk was shocked yesterday evening when an altercation at a local pizza parlor resulted in a heated exchange of inaccurate hate speech.
Sadly, this is not the first time Whitehawk’s complexion has baffled enraged bystanders and resulted in poor attempts at offensiveness.
“I was about 13 cents short for my carry-out bill, so I apologized and ran out to my car,” stated Whitehawk. “On my way to the door, this fat plumber called me a ‘cheap wetback.’ What the fuck? Did the guy think I was deaf?”
Unfortunately, the situation only escalated from there.
“I told the bastard off, straight up,” remarked Whitehawk. “I mean, after three centuries of genocide and reservations, I have a short fuse.”
The plumber—who agreed to speak with the Codependent Collegian only under the condition of anonymity—defended his right to free speech.
“Look, the kid is brown, who gives a shit where he comes from,” asserted the plumber. “Maybe he should spend more time saving his money and less time bitching about his ‘sacred heritage.’”