April 21, 2006
College House Announces Staff Shakeup
(Baltimore, MD) Derrick Lingenschnauffer, in whose name is the lease for the house on West North Avenue, appeared before his fellow Coppin State housemates ysterday to announce some changes."Gerard Backus is officially leaving this place as of... right fucking now," he read from a prepared script. "It has been lo, fourteen months since the douchebag paid anything resembling rent, even taking into consideration the dime bag he accidentally left here during the Final Four weekend. If anyone sees him, tell him the rest of the pathetic pile he calls "his shit" is in the garage."
Lingenschnauffer continued.
"In his place in the third floor attic I would like to introduce Brian Hooper, a Coppin State junior who has an actual job," he read to mild applause. "Brian possesses the one important qualification - $150 - that separated him from the other vermin who expressed an interest in the squirrel's nest-cum-loft. He will also signal that this house fully intends to reinvigorate itself."
The lessee announced one other important change in the surprise shakeup.
"Weezy will no longer be handling major policy decisions, such as beer procurement and weed man payment," he said. "The Weezer has a habit of choosing tasteless suds and short-changing the dopeman, resulting in our house being delivered the worst quality weed in the DC-Baltimore corridor. From this point forward Weezy will only be engaged in our flower-smashing campaign against the old hag next door."
Lingenschnauffer wished the remaining housemates good luck on exams, and a most excellent weekend seeking temporary female companionship in the local saloons.
