.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}
April 25, 2006

Opinion: The Walls Are Closing In, Man

By Codependent Collegian contributing editor Stiffy Steve

I think I flunked two clases, dude. And I know that doesn't sound so bad, but I was only taking three this semester. I was "taking it easy," remember, to help myself get back on my feet after the breakup with Rachel. Oh, that reminds me, I saw her the other day. She said "hi." She was laying out on the quad next to that assclown boyfriend of hers, so she couldn't actually say hi, but she looked at me and I know she meant it.

Do you know what this is gonna do to my financial aid? I was already on probation thanks to that kinesiology course from last semester; what a joke that was. Now I'm probably going to have to sign up for that UNIV100 course that teaches you study skills and shit. I'll have to spend all summer relearning Dewey Decimals with the 'tards, man. I can't believe this.

I was supposed to go to Boca with my Dad this summer. He just called yesterday, and was all like, "How's my favorite vetrinarian," and I was all "I'm not a vet yet Dad, but I'm getting there." But I didn't get anywhere; in fact, I think this sets me back by at least a year. Now I'm gonna have to cancel Boca and pay out of pocket for summer school.

Awwww, dude. That means I'll probably have to go get a job at Mixie's Subs, 'cause they won't let me back into Hoopers, not after that dishwater-bongwater incident. And Mixie's makes you wear those gay paper hats all the time. Shit!

I think the walls are closing in, man. I might have to seriously rethink my gameplan. I mean, I love dogs and cats and stuff, but do I really want to spend the next six years in class, and then have to operate on an iguana with a heart murmer? Hell no, dude. Reptiles give me the squirms in a serious way, and I'll be damned if I waste my life training to resusitate some two-dicked scale-factory.

Yeah, it's starting to become clear now. You are "The Man," man, for helping me sort this out. I mean, second semester of freshman year is such an important educationary milestone, and you've gotta have some serious support to pull it off. So, I totally owe you one. You're gonna be at the big Pimp 'n Hoes party, right? Awesome! I'll see you there.

Ah, the woes of youth. Take another hit there, boss...
Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home
Copyright 2007, Codependent Collegian ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Codependent Collegian ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Codependent Collegian ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Codependent Collegian ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?