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April 25, 2006

Opinion: The Walls Are Closing In, Man

By Codependent Collegian contributing editor Stiffy Steve

I think I flunked two clases, dude. And I know that doesn't sound so bad, but I was only taking three this semester. I was "taking it easy," remember, to help myself get back on my feet after the breakup with Rachel. Oh, that reminds me, I saw her the other day. She said "hi." She was laying out on the quad next to that assclown boyfriend of hers, so she couldn't actually say hi, but she looked at me and I know she meant it.

Do you know what this is gonna do to my financial aid? I was already on probation thanks to that kinesiology course from last semester; what a joke that was. Now I'm probably going to have to sign up for that UNIV100 course that teaches you study skills and shit. I'll have to spend all summer relearning Dewey Decimals with the 'tards, man. I can't believe this.

I was supposed to go to Boca with my Dad this summer. He just called yesterday, and was all like, "How's my favorite vetrinarian," and I was all "I'm not a vet yet Dad, but I'm getting there." But I didn't get anywhere; in fact, I think this sets me back by at least a year. Now I'm gonna have to cancel Boca and pay out of pocket for summer school.

Awwww, dude. That means I'll probably have to go get a job at Mixie's Subs, 'cause they won't let me back into Hoopers, not after that dishwater-bongwater incident. And Mixie's makes you wear those gay paper hats all the time. Shit!

I think the walls are closing in, man. I might have to seriously rethink my gameplan. I mean, I love dogs and cats and stuff, but do I really want to spend the next six years in class, and then have to operate on an iguana with a heart murmer? Hell no, dude. Reptiles give me the squirms in a serious way, and I'll be damned if I waste my life training to resusitate some two-dicked scale-factory.

Yeah, it's starting to become clear now. You are "The Man," man, for helping me sort this out. I mean, second semester of freshman year is such an important educationary milestone, and you've gotta have some serious support to pull it off. So, I totally owe you one. You're gonna be at the big Pimp 'n Hoes party, right? Awesome! I'll see you there.

Comments:
Ah, the woes of youth. Take another hit there, boss...
 
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