Codependent Collegian

Left: Duke lacrosse player about to give his opponent the shaft

(Durham, NC) Amid a sex abuse investigation that now includes profane and threatening e-mails, Duke canceled its men's lacrosse season Wednesday and the team's coach resigned.

None of this comes as a surprise to psychologist Neil Kohlbert, who blames the sport itself for the alleged rape scandal plaguing the school.

"The very terminology of the sport is built around forced sexual, encounters. Take the offense, which is called the "attack" unit," he said as he folded his hands. "The attackman's responsibility is to score. A good attackman demonstrates excellent stick work with both hands. I mean, they train these kids to become rapists."

Left: Psychologist Neil Kohlbert

Kohlbert referred to the equipment as further evidence of the process of instilling brutal sex in the minds of players.

"The phallic-shaped "crosse" even uses the word "head" to describe the thrusting orifice at the end of the shaft," he said, crossing his legs. "The boys are taught to penetrate the crease and...I mean - can it get more obvious than that?"

The Durham psychologist downplayed suggestions that he is reading too much into lacrosse terminology, and continued with his analysis.

"Any sport in which "riding," "spearing," "release," and "shooting" are part of the game is creating sex-obsessed beats," said Kohlbert, rubbing his inner thighs. "I think we are witnessing just the tip of a raging monster that will savagely defile this sport." Mary Winkler