Codependent Collegian

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Left: Kylie Greenbeck - the next Sylvia Plath?

(Baltimore)—Janis Greenbeck, Administrative Assistant for the English Department at Johns Hopkins University, continues to send unwarranted bulk emails of her daughter’s poetry to faculty members despite repeated requests for her to desist.

The conflict, according to sources contacted by the Codependent Collegian, stems from Greenbeck’s unrealistic hope that her daughter Kylie, 13, will land a prestigious publishing deal with the help of a sympathetic professor.

And while Greenbeck is unwavering in her enthusiastic support of Kylie’s literary aspirations, JHU’s English faculty are nearing their boiling point.

“I spent a week down on the Carolina coast, and came back to find my inbox teeming with this unreadable pre-teen verse,” huffed Dr. Jon Vichy, an expert in British Romanticism. “We used to joke about this crap during our department meetings, but it’s not funny anymore. Her daughter needs some counseling and a thesaurus — in that order.”

Left: Greenbeck "just wants the best" for her young poet

Despite constant criticism, Greenbeck believes her daughter has undeniable talent.

“Kylie has a poet’s perspective on life, and her words are pure music,” Greenbeck proudly asserted before quoting the following lines from Kylie’s piece entitled “Witness”:

I am the lost child of hell
suffering, dying alone
praying to oblivion,
a lake of fire, your lips,
touch the blank canvas of my thigh.

Greenbeck paused before adding, tearfully: “If that isn’t poetry, sir, I don’t know what is.”

By Codependent Collegian contributor Feckless Freddie

(Purcellville, VA) Stung by charges that the school is a racist enclave, the board of trustees at Partick Henry College voted to amend the institution's standards regarding minorities.

From hence forward, the school will consider persons of Irish and Italian descent as minorities.

"For me personally, this is exactly the right thing for me to be doing at this stage of my life, and I believe our students feel the same way," said Mitchell Farriss, college president. "For me, nothing could be more rewarding than teaching minorities, especially if we can accomplish this goal without bringing blacks or Hispanics on campus."

Farriss believes that there is a Divine presence in his work.

"I believe that God is indeed at work here at Patrick Henry College. His hand is evident in every facet of the college - from the white columns to the white paper upon which we write our white thoughts," he said. "And it resonates in our daily chapel, where the truth of God's Word is applied to the issues facing white people today."

Farriss said that there is an "epic struggle" underway in which Patrick Henry is involved.

"At first, my goal was simply to help white people hang onto a vestige of freedom, so they could train their children in righteousness and liberty," he said. "But I have since come to believe that those white children will make a truly significant impact upon our nation-the most significant impact since our nation's founding. I believe we are raising a generation of white people who will stand out as a godly remnant in tomorrow's society, ready to reclaim the biblical principles upon which our white land was founded."

Left: Patterson on edge

(Madison, WI) The excited chatter of his roommate may just "push me right over the edge," acknowledged UW-Madison junior Josh Patterson.

"If I hear another sentence like: 'The first three weeks of classes are the best,' I will beat that stupid fuck with a pipe," he said of annoying friend Steve Welker. "How anyone can be so thrilled about this shithole of a school is beyond me, but he should learn to shut his goddamn Twinkie hole before someone nails his lips."

Left: Welker is "like, on Ecstasy 24/7"

Patterson, who admits to "a misanthropic streak," nonetheless believes that Welker has "serious issues."

"Not even doubling up on Prozac could make someone that happy," he said. "There has to be some kind of weird defect in the kid's head to be like that."

Welker, contacted by Codependent Collegian reporters, said that Patterson "needs to turn that frown upside down!"

"I have never met someone as glum as him, especially someone who won't cheer up after being tickled," he laughed. "But, deep down, I just KNOW he's going to break out of this sour-puss routine."

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

The sacred spot after a Monday morning visit from the janitorial staff

(Gainsville, FL)—After the Florida Gators trounced George Mason in the 2006 Final Four, junior Dan Williams was in “dire need” of the restroom facilities, having drunk over 13 cans of Miller High Life in less than two hours.

That is when—according to eyewitness reports—he formed an unusual spiritual bond with a booger collage pasted on top of a dormitory urinal.

“I was on cloud nine when we won, and really had to piss,” remarked Williams. “All of a sudden I spot this array of boogers slathered on the urinal. Normally I’d get half sick, but for some reason, it looked totally awesome, kind of Dada-esque.”

Williams rerurned to the "mucosal mosaic" today for another glance at the quasi-spiritual shrine.

"It still spoke to me," he intoned.

Left: The uppermost sections of the holy nose oysters

And while the bathrooms of Vessey Hall are notorious for their lack of hygienic maintenance, this is not the first time Williams has found beauty among the repulsive while intoxicated.

His close friends recall similar occurrences in recent months, such as the night he photographed a stranger’s vomit on the sidewalk, and the bonfire kegger where he got sidetracked by a rotting deer corpse.

“Dan is a weirdo, straight up,” vented roommate Carl Dobson. “When he drinks, he like, turns into some kind of wacked out artist. If we hadn’t dragged him out of the shitter, I’m sure he would have set up a blank canvas and started a portrait of those boogers.”

Left: Initial stash of stray condiments

(Columbus, OH) Members of the OSU chapter of Sigma Phi Epsilon have started a "unique humanitarian effort" designed to aid area homeless shelters.

Entitled "Condiments for the Homeless," the volunteer campaign seeks to match those in need with those who have plenty, said fraternity president Allen Jacobs.

"Pretty basically, we saw that our main refrigerator was 'busting at the seams,' shall we say, with leftover ketchup, soy sauce, and Taco Bell sauce packets," he said, filling a grocery bag with the condiments. "We got to thinking that there were probably many frats and sororities with the same problem, and a lot of homeless people who have no relish packs for whatever food those people get fed."

Jacobs said that the SigEps took the idea to the Greek Council, and the rest "was like history."

"Our Greek brothers and sisters have really stepped up and answered the call," he said. "We have almost a trunk full of these valuable food accoutrements to take to the homeless shelter downtown, and you have to know there's a lot of good nutrition in this stuff. Plus, we only take packets that have been refrigerated, not like left in the glove box or anything."

Left: SigEps pose for group photo

Jacobs said that the brothers of SigEp "pride themselves" on eliminating the “Animal House” reputation that is often associated with fraternities.

"Sigma Phi Epsilon is designed to promote leaders as well as gentlemen," he proudly added. "We feel that we have, in some small way, helped bring a little light into the lives of the less fortunate, as well as making progress on cleaning out our skanky fridge."

Left: Hammond examines site of 'strange gurgling'

(Athens, GA) University of Georgia sophomore Bradley Hammond, in an exclusive interview with Codependent Collegian writers, reported that "totally non-human noises" have been emananting from his intestines since this morning.

"There's definitely something bizarre going on in there," he said, lifting his shirt and pointing. "I have never heard anything like this before, and frankly - I'm worried."

Hammond believes that the gastrointestinal disturbance may be related to his food and beverage consumption last night.

"I did drink quite a lot of beer, plus I ate a half-dozen chili dogs and a couple of orders of onion rings," he admitted. "I think that the leftover cabbage rolls that I packed away just before I crashed might have really done me in, though."

What most concerns the engineering student is the uncertain outcome he faces.

"If this is going to turn out to be just some wicked farts and a giant turd, I'm OK with that," he said. "But I am afraid this might be a sign of a world-class case of the Hershey squirts, in which case I'll be chained to the toilet for the next two days. I definitely don't look forward to 36 hours of non-stop rectal tabasco, you know?"

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Durham, NH)—University of New Hampshire sophomore Dave Frost was enraptured when he took his last summer final exam last Friday, but was struck by a surprising malaise when the adrenaline from four consecutive days of cramming wore off.

Instead of wallowing in booze and scrambled porno with his compatriots, Frost spent almost all of the past week fulfilling a dream he had kept silent for months: an entire week of sabotaging articles on Wikipedia, the internet’s most popular free encyclopedia.

And while Frost realized most of his hilarious revisions would be reversed almost instantaneously by freelance editors with scant personal lives, he hoped some would make it past their intense scrutiny.

“I knew they wouldn’t keep that bit about JFK fucking a platypus at Camp David, or how I created an article 'proving' that Tom Cruise is gay with confessions from guys he blew at rest stops,” Frost candidly shared. “But how the hell do they know if Superman III was ever released on Laserdisc? Check and mate, sir.”

Frost’s close friends were not only baffled by his tireless dedication to inaccuracy, but also by his endless imagination for tinkering with pop culture trivia.

“The guy is my hero,” beamed John Knowles, Frost’s freshman roommate. “I mean, he switched the order of ‘Misty Mountain Hop’ and ‘Going to California’ on side two of Led Zeppelin IV. Who thinks of that kind of shit? If only he put that energy into studying for organic chemistry, he’d be a Rhodes scholar.”

Left: "Git 'er done"

(State College, PA) Engineering student Nathan Greer got more than he bargained for while masturbating to some online porn last week.

"It was an 'Amateurs Only' video with a guy and two chicks, nothing too weird," he said, still visibly shaken by the ordeal. "Then the camera panned down to the guys feet, which were clad in green socks and sandals."

Greer said that, not only did he lose his desire, but that he has had recurrent problems since that time.

"I can't get the image of that guy's nasty, smelly wool socks out of my head," the Penn State Freshman admitted, scratching behind his neck. "Every time I want to spank the plank all I can think of is that horrible video clip. It's like a scabby sore that you just keep picking at and picking at, you know?""


Left: "God, no!"

Greer believes that the porn site, "Totally Hot Amateurs and Cock-Loving Coeds," owes him both a refund and an apology.

"Some things just should not be filmed," he said, showing Codependent Collegian reporters the 15 second segment. "At least they should file this sort of filth under "Bizarre Sex Acts" or "Freaky Fo-Shizzle" or something like that. Ugh!"

(Washington, DC) Georgetown junior education major Tad Cochrane, trying to make sense of the situation in the Middle East, admitted that the actions of Hezbollah are "pretty jacked up."

"I mean, everyone knows that the Israelis are the most kick-ass military dudes on the planet," he said. "It's like a 6-year-old taking on WWE's Johnny Nitro - no fucking way, man."

Cochrane said that the decision to abduct two Israeli soldiers was "mondo stupid."

"Any idiot can see that Israel is going to throw a world of hurt at Hezbollah," he said, shaking his head. "And one of these days - BAM! Out come the nukes."

Cochrane added that "it's nothing personal" in his assessment of Hezbollah's strategy.

"There's this Lebanese hottie in one of my seminars, so I know I could be down with the brown," he said. "But I think those towels must do something to the brains of the Hezbollah leaders. What other reason could there be for such a bad game plan?"

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Durham, NH)—Ronald Martin, assistant professor of Medieval Culture and Languages at the University of New Hampshire, recently embarked on a highly ambitious project: he plans to build a moat around his single-family home in the Durham suburbs.

And while many in the local community have tentatively embraced Martin’s eccentric project, some feel it may be the first outward sign of his growing mental instability.

“He keeps referring to me as his ‘faire maiden,’” remarked Martin’s 14-year-old daughter Cassandra. “I mean, dad has always been a geek, but lately he’s been nutty. I’m talkin’ Ray Combs nutty.”

Martin’s officemate and close friend Dr. Sharon Lucas echoes this deep concern for what appears to be a peculiar form of self-employment.

“Ron started talking about that goddamned moat back in April, but I thought it was a joke,” Lucas reflected. “Ever since he was accused of grade inflation last fall, it’s like a part of his soul is gone. He even started keeping a broad sword in the back seat of his ’96 Corolla—he said it was to ‘protect his chivalry.’ I really hope he doesn’t hurt anyone.”

Contacted by the Codependent Collegian, Martin expressed disdain at his detractors.

"I, Sir Ronald, by the permission of God, have come into these parts as an ambassador with a divine admonition to you, the servants of God," he intoned. "O, what a disgrace if such a despised and base race, which worships demons, should conquer a people which has the faith of omnipotent God and is made glorious with the name of Christ!"

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

LaSoto reeling from the lack of Beer Pong, shower sex

(Lexington, KY)—Veronica LaSoto, a junior at the University of Kentucky, has discovered that her life back in the suburbs lacks the constant unpredictability and excitement of dorm life, and she “can’t freaking wait” for the fall semester to begin.

Until then, it seems, LaSoto is destined to spend her summer working at a local Starbucks and enduring Taco Night every Wednesday with her parents at El Burrito Grande.

“I thought coming home would be great — see some old high school friends, go to the beach every weekend, you know,” LaSoto vented. “Instead, all my friends have kids now, I make chi lattes nine hours a day, and pass out on the couch every night watching Seinfeld reruns while my parents screw their fat brains out upstairs. Oh God, I want to hang myself.”

LaSoto whimsically reflected on the constant exuberance of dorm living.

“What I would give for just one Topless Tuesday, or Thirsty Thursday, or Strip-Poker Sunday right now,” LaSoto lamented. “By the time I get back on campus, I’m gonna be so sober and sex-starved, I might even hook up with Nate [Meister, campus prankster and habitual man-whore]. And I’m pretty sure he has herpes.”

(Columbus, OH) Andy Jamison knows that people have negative perceptions about drug dealers, especially those who peddle strong street drugs like methamphetamine.

"Look, man - supply and demand comes into play here," he said. "If it wasn't me, it would have been any number of other dealers stepping up to feed people's demons. I was just another cog in the ice machine."

Jamison recently registered for fall classes at Columbus State Community College, and hopes that he will receive college credit for his life and work portfolio.

"My career moving crystal meth was absolutely stellar, and I was one of the top salesman in the area," he said. "I know a lot about marketing and customer service, and every one of my clients will say I was a straight-up dealer who never shortchanged their asses, even when they were completely zombie-fied."

Jamsion said that he also developed "extensive skills" in chemistry, finance, and other curricular disciplines.

"Face it - they may as well just give me the degree right now," he said. "Meth dealers are jacks-of-all-trades, and we know more about American business and social conditions than just about anyone."

Interviewed by the Codependent Collegian, former customer Melissa Standish agreed that Jamison was a "first rate" dealer.

"Oh yeah, Andy would go the extra mile for you," she said, grinding her teeth and scratching at a bleeding sore. "Some dealers would make you do all sorts of sick stuff if you were broke and wanted some crank, but Andy even wore a condom when I had to trade him a little sumpin-sumpin. Believe me, that's rare these days in a dealer."

Most of all, said Jamison, he hopes that Columbus State will recognize his human resource skills.

"I am basically a people person," he said. "Jackie needs a fix, but has no cash? No problem - I'll front her some meth until the welfare check comes in. It's about taking care of the customer's needs, and that's why I should get a whole boatload of college credits."

Left: Courtier not pleased

(Ann Arbor, MI) While climbing out of the shower last week, Megan Courtier made a “life-changing” discovery: the sudden appearance of a gray hair in her nether regions.

The second-year sociology doctoral candidate confided her secret shame to Codependent Collegian reporters.

“I’m only 26, so there’s no good reason for this to be happening to me,” she sobbed. “I may never be able to be intimate with a man ever again.”

The particular location of the stray gray hair was especially disconcerting to Courtier.

“If it was on the top of my head I might never have noticed it, and it could have even made me look more professional,” she said, looking away. “But down there?!?!? Now I look like a wrinkled old whore.”

Courtier admitted that she was “clueless” as to her next moves.

“I’ve heard that two more will grow if I pluck this one,” she said. “And I also heard that the hair-color companies put a gray-promoting chemical in their dyes to make you have to keep buying more and more ‘Gray-B-Gone.’”

The hair problem has also strained her relationship with fellow Michigan grad student and boyfriend Matt Steenberg, said Courtier.

“Matt hasn’t even touched me since I showed him yesterday,” she said. “But there is no way I am going to live a lie. He’ll either have to love me for who I am or get the hell out.”

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Hollywood, CA)—Snagglepuss, a staple of children’s entertainment and Hanna-Barbara cartoons for over three decades, finally came clean about his oft-suspected homosexuality in an emotional press conference earlier this morning.

The conference was also used to announce a whistle-stop lecture tour of American colleges and universities to promote his new autobiography, Pink Like Me, which will commence at UCLA this August.

“Heavens to Mergatroid, it’s such a relief,” boomed Snagglepuss in typical melodramatic fashion. “I hope that I can set an example for gay cartoon characters who are still living in fear—and you know who you are, Freddie Jones. Don’t pretend like that night in Reno never happened, ee-ven.”

Freddie Jones: Living a lie?

And while many in the gay community commend Snagglepuss’ newfound openness, some scoffed at the stereotypical hype that accompanied his revelation.

“It wasn’t all song and roses when I came out,” revealed Peppermint Patty. “When I told Charlie Brown and the rest of the gang, they acted like I was a leper. They even stopped eating lunch with me on the set [of Peanuts]. Let me tell ya, the ‘50s were a terrible time to be butch in this country.”

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Eugene, OR)—Tom Kessinger, Associate Professor of Philosophy at the University of Oregon, is a very active 38 year-old: he enjoys cycling, canoeing, and playing bass in a local cover band called The Scourge.

So after his recent divorce, it seemed logical for Kessinger to join MySpace as a way to stay connected with old friends as well as broadcast his newfound bachelorhood.

Sadly, Kessinger did not fully comprehend the immense popularity of the MySpace community, and now lives in mortal fear that his students will discover his webpage, which is rife with intimate details.

“I didn’t realize how mammoth this MySpace thing was,” Kessinger remarked. “A few weeks after Cynthia [my ex-wife] moved back to Boston, I thought it would be a cool way to meet new people. Now, I wake up every night in a cold sweat. Some dude is gonna reference my “Top 10 Motley Crue Songs” list during a lecture, I just know it.”

Kessinger’s greatest fear, however, is that his students will think that he is “trolling for pussy.”

“I’m the cool prof on campus, you know,” Kessinger revealed. “I was a finalist back in ’03 for the ‘Educator of the Year’ award. If the kids find out that I go to a singles’ bar every Tuesday night, my street cred is shot to hell.”

Left: Dyslexics of the world - UNTIE!

(Philadelphia, PA) Dyslexia has proven to be "challenging" for sophomore Bradley Jordan in the past, but his latest Comp II assignment has the business major "stumped worse than my reading disability."

"I've looked everywhere for Lord of the Files , and I can't even locate the book," said a discouraged Jordan. "I mean, why do they assign texts that are not available?"

Jordan said that he was especially disappointed that none of the study guide makers provided notes.

"I checked with Cliffs Notes, SparkNotes, and even the paper mills," he said, burying his head in his hands. "It's like these people have never even heard of Lord of the Files ."

With the deadline for the paper approaching, Jordan is weighing his options.

"I'm guessing that Lord of the Files is like the movies Clerks or Office Space or something," he said of the William Golding novel. "But if I don't get something on paper soon, I'm gonna be luck out of shit. May dog have mercy on my soul."

Left: "Like, they're constitutional and shit."

(Knoxville, TN) An "in-depth" reading of case law on the Second Amendment leads one University of Tennessee law student to conclude that fireworks are "protected ordinances" under the Constitution.

"The Second Amendment is derivative of the common law right to keep and bear arms, and brother, these 8-ounce Phantom Rockets are definitely 'arms,'" said Matt Morgenthal, a first-year student at UT's College of Law. "I'd hate to be a terrorist on the receiving end of one of these babies."

Morgenthal studied the writings of the Founding Fathers before issuing his opinion on the constitutional protection of fireworks.

"Madison did not invent the right to keep and bear arms when he drafted the Second Amendment--the right was pre-existing at both common law and in the early state constitutions," he said, lighting and firing bottle rockets at his younger brother. "So Tennessee's fireworks laws are, like, way bogus."

Left: Morgenthal's secret emergency defense stash

Dodging his brother's return volley of hand-held Roman candles, Morgenthal continued his analysis.

"The potential connection between the right of self defense and the constitutional protection of a right to keep and bear arms comes to play here," he said, chucking two lit M-80s at his brother. "Should I just have to sit here while Jared torches me with 6-inch reloadable aerial shells? I think not, pal. I have every right to defend myself with all available ordinance, up to and including multiple tube fountains with over 5000 grams of pyrotechnic composition."