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July 3, 2006

Professor Paranoid Students Will Discover His MySpace Page

Philosophy professor By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Eugene, OR)—Tom Kessinger, Associate Professor of Philosophy at the University of Oregon, is a very active 38 year-old: he enjoys cycling, canoeing, and playing bass in a local cover band called The Scourge.

So after his recent divorce, it seemed logical for Kessinger to join MySpace as a way to stay connected with old friends as well as broadcast his newfound bachelorhood.

Sadly, Kessinger did not fully comprehend the immense popularity of the MySpace community, and now lives in mortal fear that his students will discover his webpage, which is rife with intimate details.

my space logo “I didn’t realize how mammoth this MySpace thing was,” Kessinger remarked. “A few weeks after Cynthia [my ex-wife] moved back to Boston, I thought it would be a cool way to meet new people. Now, I wake up every night in a cold sweat. Some dude is gonna reference my “Top 10 Motley Crue Songs” list during a lecture, I just know it.”

Kessinger’s greatest fear, however, is that his students will think that he is “trolling for pussy.”

“I’m the cool prof on campus, you know,” Kessinger revealed. “I was a finalist back in ’03 for the ‘Educator of the Year’ award. If the kids find out that I go to a singles’ bar every Tuesday night, my street cred is shot to hell.”

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