July 22, 2006
Student Reports "Something Percolating" in his Abdomen
Left: Hammond examines site of 'strange gurgling'
(Athens, GA) University of Georgia sophomore Bradley Hammond, in an exclusive interview with Codependent Collegian writers, reported that "totally non-human noises" have been emananting from his intestines since this morning.
"There's definitely something bizarre going on in there," he said, lifting his shirt and pointing. "I have never heard anything like this before, and frankly - I'm worried."
Hammond believes that the gastrointestinal disturbance may be related to his food and beverage consumption last night.
"I did drink quite a lot of beer, plus I ate a half-dozen chili dogs and a couple of orders of onion rings," he admitted. "I think that the leftover cabbage rolls that I packed away just before I crashed might have really done me in, though."
What most concerns the engineering student is the uncertain outcome he faces.
"If this is going to turn out to be just some wicked farts and a giant turd, I'm OK with that," he said. "But I am afraid this might be a sign of a world-class case of the Hershey squirts, in which case I'll be chained to the toilet for the next two days. I definitely don't look forward to 36 hours of non-stop rectal tabasco, you know?"
