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July 27, 2006

Student May Kill Geeky Roommate Who "Can't Wait for Classes to Start"

Left: Patterson on edge

(Madison, WI) The excited chatter of his roommate may just "push me right over the edge," acknowledged UW-Madison junior Josh Patterson.

"If I hear another sentence like: 'The first three weeks of classes are the best,' I will beat that stupid fuck with a pipe," he said of annoying friend Steve Welker. "How anyone can be so thrilled about this shithole of a school is beyond me, but he should learn to shut his goddamn Twinkie hole before someone nails his lips."

Happy, or maybe manic Left: Welker is "like, on Ecstasy 24/7"

Patterson, who admits to "a misanthropic streak," nonetheless believes that Welker has "serious issues."

"Not even doubling up on Prozac could make someone that happy," he said. "There has to be some kind of weird defect in the kid's head to be like that."

Welker, contacted by Codependent Collegian reporters, said that Patterson "needs to turn that frown upside down!"

"I have never met someone as glum as him, especially someone who won't cheer up after being tickled," he laughed. "But, deep down, I just KNOW he's going to break out of this sour-puss routine."

Sounds like someone is in the closet here.
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