Codependent Collegian

Left: "Like, they're constitutional and shit."

(Knoxville, TN) An "in-depth" reading of case law on the Second Amendment leads one University of Tennessee law student to conclude that fireworks are "protected ordinances" under the Constitution.

"The Second Amendment is derivative of the common law right to keep and bear arms, and brother, these 8-ounce Phantom Rockets are definitely 'arms,'" said Matt Morgenthal, a first-year student at UT's College of Law. "I'd hate to be a terrorist on the receiving end of one of these babies."

Morgenthal studied the writings of the Founding Fathers before issuing his opinion on the constitutional protection of fireworks.

"Madison did not invent the right to keep and bear arms when he drafted the Second Amendment--the right was pre-existing at both common law and in the early state constitutions," he said, lighting and firing bottle rockets at his younger brother. "So Tennessee's fireworks laws are, like, way bogus."

Left: Morgenthal's secret emergency defense stash

Dodging his brother's return volley of hand-held Roman candles, Morgenthal continued his analysis.

"The potential connection between the right of self defense and the constitutional protection of a right to keep and bear arms comes to play here," he said, chucking two lit M-80s at his brother. "Should I just have to sit here while Jared torches me with 6-inch reloadable aerial shells? I think not, pal. I have every right to defend myself with all available ordinance, up to and including multiple tube fountains with over 5000 grams of pyrotechnic composition."