Codependent Collegian

(Toledo, OH) Students waiting for help with financial aid will find their visit to the FA office a bit less dreary if Wally Stensenbrunner has his way.

The 44-year old Elvis impersonator has taken it upon himself to bring a ray of sunshine into the lives of students.

"Hey baby," purred Stensenbrunner to a perky coed, "how's about you and me...candles...and some nice wine?"

UT officials said that, while Stensenbrunner is not an actual employee, he will be allowed to remain in Rocket Hall, since he is enrolled for classes.

"As long as he doesn't get out of line, we can't do anything about this whack job," said one anonymous employee. "We tried putting a Roofie in his Mountain Dew, but if anything he seemed to get more wired."

Stensenbrunner broke into song when the Codependent Collegian arrived.

"Well it's one for the money, two for the show," he sang, "three to get ready for Pell Grant dough, so don't you, slow up my refund, dude."

Sophomore engineering student Jason Vandergraaf was less than ecstatic to see Stensenbrunner.

"What a dork," he said. "And to think we blazed up some nice Chronic in the parking lot just to come in and see this idiot. That guy is totally wasting my buzz."

Yes, another rerun. If you think you can do better, SEND IN YOUR MATERIAL! Here is our email address: codependentcollegian@yahoo.com

(Toledo, OH) Junior finance major Megan Vandersteen thought she was signing up for a "nice little Humanities class" when she registered for Intro to Philosophy, but she got more than she bargained for.

"All I wanted to do was kill a requirement and have some fun," she said, staring down at her feet. "Now I am all messed up in the head, thanks to that professor."

The third-year student said that, since taking the course, she has begun to question her values.

"I had it all planned out: BA, MBA, corporate career, CEO of a mid-sized investment bank, the whole bit," she said. "Now I'm thinking about crazy shit like the Peace Corps and social work. I want my old life back."

Philosophy professor Greg Schadenfreude took issue with Vandersteen's comments.

"Look, it's an intro course that covers everything from Aristotle to Foucault," he said. "It's not my fault that this whack job took all that stuff seriously."

Schadenfreude said that the confused student is beginning to appear threatening.

"OK, I understand the calls to my house and office during the term," he said. "But this psycho is hanging around my lake cottage, leaving treatises on my windshield, and even sitting next to me at Mass. I'm getting a little freaked here."

Vandersteen said that she would gladly stop pestering the instructor.

"All I want is what that man took from me," she said.

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor
(Washington, DC)—Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff announced yesterday that the beloved troupe of muppets known as the Fraggles had been added to the ever-growing list of terror suspects wanted for questioning in connection to the harrowing attacks of September 11, 2001.

The Fraggles enjoyed tremendous success on HBO from 1983 through 1987 when their television program “Fraggle Rock” entertained and educated children across the nation, emphasizing the importance of friendship, honesty, and subterranean construction. However, the Fraggles have remained out of the public eye for over a decade, and this has caused some within the Bush Administration to take notice.

“Prudence demands we remain ever-vigilant against those who propagate evil and terror as a means to undermine the freedom and security of the American people,” Chertoff said at a 9 a.m. press conference with his trademark stoicism. “It has come to our attention that the Fraggles may have some involvement in recent terrorist activities, and we are therefore pursuing them for rigorous investigation as a precautionary measure. The Department of Homeland Security does so with extreme caution, and with the full consent of the President.”

Many activist groups have decried this development as another power play by the Bush Administration to subvert and silence radical voices in children’s entertainment. Harold Barnes of Baltimore, 31, was one of hundreds of protestors outside the White House later yesterday afternoon.

“I’ve been a Fraggle fan my whole life,” Barnes said. “I watched the premiere on January 10th, 1983 with my sister Gerty, and have been hooked ever since. Thank God for eBay—now I have every episode on DVD.”

When prompted about Ridge’s announcement earlier that morning, Barnes said, “This is blacklisting man, pure and simple—Bush is just following in his daddy’s footsteps. First it was the Smirfs, then the Wuzzles, and now the Fraggles…when will this injustice end?”

Neither Henson, Inc. nor The Children’s Television Workshop were available for comment, but they issued a joint statement apologizing to longtime fans and concerned citizens alike, and cited the entire situation as a “gross misunderstanding of children’s programming on basic cable.” Both groups have vowed to fully cooperate with the Department of Homeland Security, Mathnet, and the Doozer’s Union to resolve this matter in a swift, professional manner.

Guest Columnist - Dr. Sandra Felicidad

There is no more awkward feeling than finally getting someone in the sack, only to hear that dreaded line:

“By the way, I have herpes.”

Once the revulsion phase is past—usually one more shot of tequila—it is important for students to make prudent decisions about STDs.

For starters, know which disease you are up against. If Jason says “I have herpes,” you will only be infectious a few times a year, so go for it.

Gonorrhea-a little tougher, since so many strains of the disease are antibiotic-resistant. I say flip a coin. Chances are that they will invent something to kill this bug before it sterilizes you. So, heads you screw, tails you screw.

Genital warts—aw, c’mon! Don’t let a couple of bumps stop you from getting a little sumpin sumpin.

Chlamydia—are you really going to miss out on some hot sex for a disease that, for most people, is asymptomatic? If you do, you ought to go into the clergy.

Syphilis—OK, this used to be nasty, rotting off peoples’ faces and whatnot. Today, it’s like a bad head cold. Only with burning urination and a smelly discharge. So, shake that money maker, eat those leftover erythromycin from last year’s sore throat, and live a little bit.

Hepatitis—A,B,C,D—it’s all elementary my dear Watson. They all attack your liver and make you feel crappy. Kind of like a permanent hangover, right? The way you drink, I’d say cirrhosis will get you before hepatitis, so keep on ruttin’, baby.

Lice and crabs— God, you are a whiner. Get a goddamn can of Raid and get back to business.

AIDS—Now we are talking. You don’t want to mess around with this baby. This disease can kill you. Eventually. Like in 10-20 years, what with the advances in pharmaceuticals. Yes, even AIDS is nothing to get all worked up about. Plus, as an HIV-positive person, you are in an elite social group. They give you the best tables in restaurants, and evangelicals will not come near you any more, since they think God might mistake them for a wicked heathen.

So, in short, STDs are nothing to get alarmed about, or even to tell your partner about. Hey, the SOB who gave you the clap didn’t tell you first, did he?

Left: Incoming UT freshmen, source of great angst for President Johnson

(Toledo, OH) UT President Dan Johnson minced no words in assessing the intellectual abilities of the class of 2009.

"My God, they are complete morons," he muttered, burying his head in his hands after an introductory speech to freshmen at a Rocket Launch gathering. "How in the hell are we supposed to educate these buffoons?"

Johnson, who has made a name for himself with his friendly, engaging style, shook his head as he pondered the 2005-2006 school year.

"Yes, we have open enrollment, and have to pretty much take every student who applies," he said. "But, come on! It's a miracle some of these blithering idiots can even make change for the vending machines."

The university president decried the cuts in state support for higher education.

"There is no way some of these imbeciles will get through the first year without 24-hour care," he said. "These half-wits don't need tutors - they need goddamn caretakers."

The incoming class boasts SAT composite scores of just 812, and has an average ACT score of just 11. Johnson believes that this is a "prescription for failure."

"Most of our classes have been dumbed down as much as possible already," he moaned. "To get 50% of these simpletons to pass Comp I will require us to retool the course along the lines of 'The Electric Company,'" a long-running PBS children's show.

Freshmen Marcus Osiołek disagreed with Johnson's assessment.

"That guy is just a ... big dummy-head," he stammered. "If he thinks he's so smart, why is he so stupid?"

Johnson rolled up his sleeves in perhaps a symbolic gesture toward the upcoming year.

"We have a job to do in educating these cretins," he said. "I just hope these dunderheads can make the grade."

Yeah - it's a rerun. What can we do? It's been a slow week for contributions, and Subcomandante Bob has been working extra shifts at the Stop-and-Rob.

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By Banfu T. Burnside, Collegian Health Editor

Have you ever had a cold sore? If so, you might have Herpes! Herpes is an incurable viral infection that is often sexually transmitted. The symptoms include skin lesions and blisters, however the infected often show no outward symptoms at all. Just don't let the clear skin fool you. An asymptomatic individual can still shed infectious virions, leading to a serious case of dong-rot.

There are two common versions of Herpes Simplex; HSV-1 is more common in the facial region, while HSV-2 typically affects the "naughty bits." However, it is entirely possible for both virii to thrive in any location, and a rather unscientific study suggests that dong-to-mouth transmission is on the rise.

The fun doesn't stop there, because either of the two Herpes Simplex viruses can lead to a neurological disorder called Herpes Simplex Encephalitis. That disorder is seventy percent fatal in untreated subjects.

Dr. Alan Sharper, a microbiologist and leading researcher on the evolution of the Herpes virus adds, "Herpes is a bitch."

When asked for preventive measures, Dr. Sharper offered the following: "Don't touch shit. You've got no idea who has the herpes, so avoid skin to skin contact at all costs with any human beings."

Dr. Sharper also takes issue with the way many Americans approach treatment. His parting advice: "That chapstick stuff is no cure for herpes, baby. You can't just slather your mug with Blistex and pretend your face isn't a veritable STD Jamboree."

(Toledo, OH) Confirming widely-held student suspicions at UT, veteran parking enforcement employee Joe Mengele confided to the Codependent Collegian that he secretly enjoys his work.

"Yeah, I get a bit of a thrill when I catch some bastard without a permit," he said, wringing his pink hands. "I really love it whenever I can find a reason to dish out multiple tickets, because people pretty much suck."

Mengele, who has been making life miserable for motorists since 1994, recounted a recent incident that made him chuckle.

"This girl was obviously late for class and had circled the West lot, I dunno, like 12 times," he said. "She finally ditched her car in a faculty spot and, as she started running toward U Hall, she slipped and fell in a puddle. Man, that was a riot! You know I was back there an hour later to see her face when she got that ticket."

One of Mengele's best busts was when he got to cite an ex-professor.

"The dude gave me a C minus in chemistry in 1995, and I saw him pull his car up to a meter," he laughed. "He put in a quarter and ran his errand. I was on that meter the exact second it went to 'Expired.'"

Mengele nearly doubled over in hysterics as he continued.

"So the old fucker is running - running - when he sees me standing at his car," he gasped. "And I'm like, 'Have a nice day, sir,' but he knew I was really saying: 'You can kiss my ass!'"

Mengele said the best part of his job is the knowledge that he is contributing to a better society.

"Rules are rules, and I am there to make sure they get followed," he said. "Besides, is there anything better than giving a ticket to some skank who turned you down for a date?"

Yeah, it's a rerun, but we have to clear our heads from the North Toledo riot.

Left: A horrified Hoover makes ghastly discovery

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Columbus, OH)—After a raucous beer pong tournament at the Phi Kappa Phi fraternity house last weekend, junior economics major Chuck Hover slowly paced the sticky tiles of his kitchen Sunday morning with his roommates, only to discover a mysterious liquid in one of the red plastic cups from the previous evening.

“At first I thought: ok, somebody was chewing tobacco and spit in this, no need to freak,” Hover explained. “But deep down I knew it wasn’t chaw…it was the wrong color, the wrong consistency. Miller and I just looked at each other and knew—somebody defiled our tourny with man gravy.”

Jason Miller, 26, a reigning Phi brother and third-year senior in ethics, corroborated Hoover’s claim.

“It was fucking disgusting, ok? Some douche bag spanked in a cup ten hours ago, and here I am, hung over, trying to keep an egg sandwich down, and I damn near spilled this shit on the carpet. It smelled like dead carp. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

Beer pong has a long tradition at Ohio State University, where, for over a century fraternities have celebrated the week’s end by drinking themselves into a blind stupor. Though these festivities have often turned violent in the past — resulting in a detached retina during the midterm week of spring 1986, for example — there is no previous documentation of a bioterrorist attack.

“We take hazardous material very seriously on this campus,” asserted Bill Dowd, an OSU security officer with over 9 years of civil service experience in the private sector.

“I have no doubt we’ll nab the culprit in the coming weeks, so we just ask the local community to remain patient as we sift through various leads," he said. "By tomorrow, we will have a flyer distributed on campus with an artist’s sketch of the jizz, so if anyone knows anything, we ask that they please come forward.”

Dowd hastily added, “Hey—don’t publish that ‘come forward’ part; that might read like a bad pun, and I got kids to feed.”

By: Billy Pilgrim, Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH) Dr. Thomas Gutteridge, Dean of the College of Business Administration at the University of Toledo, announced this Monday that the college will accept undergraduate and graduate applications from chimpanzees, baboons, and other high-ranking primates for the 2005-2006 academic year.

“Well, it was only a matter of time really before a business program in this country started admitting apes, so we thought, 'why not be the first?'” Gutteridge remarked. “The business community is well aware of its reputation among other disciplines, so we figured we’d turn the tables on them. The bottom line is, if these young pooh-slingers can look good in a suit, maintain eye contact in an interview, and qualify for federal student loans, then by golly, we’ll take ‘em in droves.”

Many students decried the Business College’s decision as an inane and exploitive misinterpretation of diversity standards in higher education.

Dave Salisbury, a graduate student in Engineering, was quite vocal in his opposition.

“Are these business fucks out of their minds? I mean, it’s not a question of the animals doing the work. That’s a given. I’ve seen those old Ronald Reagan movies—monkeys are damn smart," he said. "And funny, too. Have you ever seen a chimp answer a phone? They just squeal and chomp their big horse-teeth. They have NO idea what is going on. That shit is hilarious.”

Yeah, it's a reprint. Whaddya gonna do, sue us?

Guest editorial by Derrick Lingenschnauffer

If Derrick must endure the complete incompetence of his local postman, who insists on putting the neighbor's mail in Derick's postbox, then you must be prepared to handle the look of contempt Derrick gives you when you see him in the Starbucks.

If Derrick must accept that his girlfriend is "way too tired to go out on Thursday," then you must deal with the fact that Derrick has taken two parking spaces and blocked you in at the Circuit City.

If Derrick must listen to the shouts of children as they invade his yard, when all Derrick wants to do is study in peace, then you must be patient with Derrick as he dials your number at three o'clock in the morning and hangs up after a single ring.

If Derrick is not granted an extension by Professor Hodgekiss, then you will be subject to Derrick's flatulence, which he could abate by simply limiting his intake of raw vegetables.

If Derrick has the misfortune of tripping over a crack in the pavement, then you will have to select another bathroom stall, for Derrick's urine will have been sprayed willy-nilly about the one you've opened, and quite possibly beneath the partition, also contaminating the one to your left.

Such is the order of things: if Derrick must suffer, then so shall you.

By Banfu T. Burnside, contributing editor

(Toledo, OH) UT economics major, Gerry Goldfarb, seems to have completed an unusual three-week term of piety. Unable to explain what triggered the episode, Goldfarb appears relieved that it has run its course.

"Earlier this month, I got cornered by a panhandler outside of the sub shop," he recalled. "Usually I can just ignore those people, but something came over me."

According to Goldfarb, he gave the indigent man seventeen dollars and half of a meatball sub.

Mr. Goldfarb's friends also noticed the change.

"Last week we were at this house party when this total hottie started leaning on Gerry's shoulder," said Alan Mills, a member of Goldfarb's intramural soccer team. "He was gonna get laid for sure, but Gerry got this really serious look on his face."

Witnesses overheard Goldfarb explain to the woman that she was inebriated, and they stared in disbelief as he sent her home with cab fare.

No longer constrained by his temporary moral fortitude, the second-year student plans to make up for lost time.

"I can't believe I spent last Thursday in meditation," lamented Goldfarb. "I mean, prayer and introspection has its place, but I totally passed up poker night at Rex-Dawg's place," adding, "Let's do a shot right now man."

Goldfarb's housemates issued a brief statement, welcoming him back to the fold.

"We are pleased to recognize the return of our dear colleague: Gerry 'Poon-O-Matic' Goldfarb," the statement read. "Gerry is an integral part of our social network and remains accountable for one-fifth of the rent. We trust that he will continue to fulfill his duties, regardless of any fiscal commitments he may have made to the 700 Club."

Left: Vandis has plenty of time to study
now that her reputation has soured

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—After a sudden and inexplicable drop in promiscuity, renowned fraternity plaything Lisa Vandis has discovered that her newfound celibacy is a direct result of “totally letting her girlie shit go,” according to several former lovers at the University of Toledo.

At first, Vandis attributed her recent shortage of booty to the impending doom of midterms, since most UT students are hunkering down now that the fall term is in its second full month. However, she knew something was awry last Friday night when three consecutive sophomores declined her offer to leave Nick & Jimmy's and “go have some fun back at her place.”

“It was really kind of sad,” said Jim Evans, one of the sophomores in question. “This chick only had two Manhattans, and she was hanging all over me, asking me if I played sports in high school and stuff. I thought she was going to be an easy lay, but my friend Mitch caught me before the door. He said she was the one that the Kappa guys call ‘The Bush.’ That sealed the deal—I made up some shit about an early dentist appointment and got the hell out here.”

Evans’ claim has gained serious social currency on UT’s Bancroft campus, where several rumors about Vandis’ lack of feminine maintenance are in heavy circulation.

Kurt Porter, a second-year senior in accounting and Vandis’ last documented partner, adds credence to the chatter.

“Man, let me put it this way,” Porter relayed between heavy drags off his Parliament Menthol outside Carlson Library. “It was like fucking an otter. So much hair. Sometimes at night I have to get out of bed and wash my hands just at the thought of it. Christ, can’t one of her roommates spot her the cash for a razor?”

Left: UT students checking out the hotties on Drummond Road

(Toledo, OH) UT's Ritter Planetarium, suffering from budget woes and weak attendance, has decided to spice up its programming with a new series: "Women of Old Orchard."

Alvin Marak, associate director of the planetarium, said that the planetarium had to invest in low-power telescopes for the event.

"The six-inch Brashear refractor under the twelve-foot Ash dome was just too much for through-the-bedroom-window viewing," said Marak. "We bought a dozen $69 WalMart telescopes for peeping."

Marak said that the Old Orchard neighborhood was chosen for several reasons.

"First, it's real close, being just across Bancroft," he said. "Second, there are a lot of hot-looking soccer moms over there, so we thought we'd tap into the Desperate Housewives thing."

Marak said the exhibit was not without difficulties.

"One woman saw us peeping last week and called the cops," he said. "We thought we were busted until the cops started looking, too. They've been back every night since."