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October 13, 2005

Mystery Fluid Discovered In Pong Cup After Frat Blowout

Left: A horrified Hoover makes ghastly discovery

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Columbus, OH)—After a raucous beer pong tournament at the Phi Kappa Phi fraternity house last weekend, junior economics major Chuck Hover slowly paced the sticky tiles of his kitchen Sunday morning with his roommates, only to discover a mysterious liquid in one of the red plastic cups from the previous evening.

“At first I thought: ok, somebody was chewing tobacco and spit in this, no need to freak,” Hover explained. “But deep down I knew it wasn’t chaw…it was the wrong color, the wrong consistency. Miller and I just looked at each other and knew—somebody defiled our tourny with man gravy.”

Jason Miller, 26, a reigning Phi brother and third-year senior in ethics, corroborated Hoover’s claim.

“It was fucking disgusting, ok? Some douche bag spanked in a cup ten hours ago, and here I am, hung over, trying to keep an egg sandwich down, and I damn near spilled this shit on the carpet. It smelled like dead carp. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

Beer pong has a long tradition at Ohio State University, where, for over a century fraternities have celebrated the week’s end by drinking themselves into a blind stupor. Though these festivities have often turned violent in the past — resulting in a detached retina during the midterm week of spring 1986, for example — there is no previous documentation of a bioterrorist attack.

“We take hazardous material very seriously on this campus,” asserted Bill Dowd, an OSU security officer with over 9 years of civil service experience in the private sector.

“I have no doubt we’ll nab the culprit in the coming weeks, so we just ask the local community to remain patient as we sift through various leads," he said. "By tomorrow, we will have a flyer distributed on campus with an artist’s sketch of the jizz, so if anyone knows anything, we ask that they please come forward.”

Dowd hastily added, “Hey—don’t publish that ‘come forward’ part; that might read like a bad pun, and I got kids to feed.”

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