.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}
October 24, 2005

Student Health: STDs and You


Guest Columnist - Dr. Sandra Felicidad

There is no more awkward feeling than finally getting someone in the sack, only to hear that dreaded line:

“By the way, I have herpes.”

Once the revulsion phase is past—usually one more shot of tequila—it is important for students to make prudent decisions about STDs.

For starters, know which disease you are up against. If Jason says “I have herpes,” you will only be infectious a few times a year, so go for it.

Gonorrhea-a little tougher, since so many strains of the disease are antibiotic-resistant. I say flip a coin. Chances are that they will invent something to kill this bug before it sterilizes you. So, heads you screw, tails you screw.

Genital warts—aw, c’mon! Don’t let a couple of bumps stop you from getting a little sumpin sumpin.

Chlamydia—are you really going to miss out on some hot sex for a disease that, for most people, is asymptomatic? If you do, you ought to go into the clergy.

Syphilis—OK, this used to be nasty, rotting off peoples’ faces and whatnot. Today, it’s like a bad head cold. Only with burning urination and a smelly discharge. So, shake that money maker, eat those leftover erythromycin from last year’s sore throat, and live a little bit.

Hepatitis—A,B,C,D—it’s all elementary my dear Watson. They all attack your liver and make you feel crappy. Kind of like a permanent hangover, right? The way you drink, I’d say cirrhosis will get you before hepatitis, so keep on ruttin’, baby.

Lice and crabs— God, you are a whiner. Get a goddamn can of Raid and get back to business.

AIDS—Now we are talking. You don’t want to mess around with this baby. This disease can kill you. Eventually. Like in 10-20 years, what with the advances in pharmaceuticals. Yes, even AIDS is nothing to get all worked up about. Plus, as an HIV-positive person, you are in an elite social group. They give you the best tables in restaurants, and evangelicals will not come near you any more, since they think God might mistake them for a wicked heathen.

So, in short, STDs are nothing to get alarmed about, or even to tell your partner about. Hey, the SOB who gave you the clap didn’t tell you first, did he?

Comments:
ewwww
 
Ummm...

By the way, Bob, there's something I might have forgotten to tell you...
 
Post a Comment



<< Home
Copyright 2007, Codependent Collegian ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Codependent Collegian ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Codependent Collegian ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Codependent Collegian ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?