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October 3, 2005

UT Slut Blames Poor Maintenance For Decrease In Action

Left: Vandis has plenty of time to study
now that her reputation has soured


By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—After a sudden and inexplicable drop in promiscuity, renowned fraternity plaything Lisa Vandis has discovered that her newfound celibacy is a direct result of “totally letting her girlie shit go,” according to several former lovers at the University of Toledo.

At first, Vandis attributed her recent shortage of booty to the impending doom of midterms, since most UT students are hunkering down now that the fall term is in its second full month. However, she knew something was awry last Friday night when three consecutive sophomores declined her offer to leave Nick & Jimmy's and “go have some fun back at her place.”

“It was really kind of sad,” said Jim Evans, one of the sophomores in question. “This chick only had two Manhattans, and she was hanging all over me, asking me if I played sports in high school and stuff. I thought she was going to be an easy lay, but my friend Mitch caught me before the door. He said she was the one that the Kappa guys call ‘The Bush.’ That sealed the deal—I made up some shit about an early dentist appointment and got the hell out here.”

Evans’ claim has gained serious social currency on UT’s Bancroft campus, where several rumors about Vandis’ lack of feminine maintenance are in heavy circulation.

Kurt Porter, a second-year senior in accounting and Vandis’ last documented partner, adds credence to the chatter.

“Man, let me put it this way,” Porter relayed between heavy drags off his Parliament Menthol outside Carlson Library. “It was like fucking an otter. So much hair. Sometimes at night I have to get out of bed and wash my hands just at the thought of it. Christ, can’t one of her roommates spot her the cash for a razor?”

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