Codependent Collegian

(Toledo, OH) Confirming widely-held student suspicions at UT, veteran parking enforcement employee Joe Mengele confided to the Codependent Collegian that he secretly enjoys his work.

"Yeah, I get a bit of a thrill when I catch some bastard without a permit," he said, wringing his pink hands. "I really love it whenever I can find a reason to dish out multiple tickets, because people pretty much suck."

Mengele, who has been making life miserable for motorists since 1994, recounted a recent incident that made him chuckle.

"This girl was obviously late for class and had circled the West lot, I dunno, like 12 times," he said. "She finally ditched her car in a faculty spot and, as she started running toward U Hall, she slipped and fell in a puddle. Man, that was a riot! You know I was back there an hour later to see her face when she got that ticket."

One of Mengele's best busts was when he got to cite an ex-professor.

"The dude gave me a C minus in chemistry in 1995, and I saw him pull his car up to a meter," he laughed. "He put in a quarter and ran his errand. I was on that meter the exact second it went to 'Expired.'"

Mengele nearly doubled over in hysterics as he continued.

"So the old fucker is running - running - when he sees me standing at his car," he gasped. "And I'm like, 'Have a nice day, sir,' but he knew I was really saying: 'You can kiss my ass!'"

Mengele said the best part of his job is the knowledge that he is contributing to a better society.

"Rules are rules, and I am there to make sure they get followed," he said. "Besides, is there anything better than giving a ticket to some skank who turned you down for a date?"

Yeah, it's a rerun, but we have to clear our heads from the North Toledo riot.