October 26, 2005
By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor
(Washington, DC)—Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff announced yesterday that the beloved troupe of muppets known as the Fraggles had been added to the ever-growing list of terror suspects wanted for questioning in connection to the harrowing attacks of September 11, 2001.
The Fraggles enjoyed tremendous success on HBO from 1983 through 1987 when their television program “Fraggle Rock” entertained and educated children across the nation, emphasizing the importance of friendship, honesty, and subterranean construction. However, the Fraggles have remained out of the public eye for over a decade, and this has caused some within the Bush Administration to take notice.
“Prudence demands we remain ever-vigilant against those who propagate evil and terror as a means to undermine the freedom and security of the American people,” Chertoff said at a 9 a.m. press conference with his trademark stoicism. “It has come to our attention that the Fraggles may have some involvement in recent terrorist activities, and we are therefore pursuing them for rigorous investigation as a precautionary measure. The Department of Homeland Security does so with extreme caution, and with the full consent of the President.”
Many activist groups have decried this development as another power play by the Bush Administration to subvert and silence radical voices in children’s entertainment. Harold Barnes of Baltimore, 31, was one of hundreds of protestors outside the White House later yesterday afternoon.
“I’ve been a Fraggle fan my whole life,” Barnes said. “I watched the premiere on January 10th, 1983 with my sister Gerty, and have been hooked ever since. Thank God for eBay—now I have every episode on DVD.”
When prompted about Ridge’s announcement earlier that morning, Barnes said, “This is blacklisting man, pure and simple—Bush is just following in his daddy’s footsteps. First it was the Smirfs, then the Wuzzles, and now the Fraggles…when will this injustice end?”
Neither Henson, Inc. nor The Children’s Television Workshop were available for comment, but they issued a joint statement apologizing to longtime fans and concerned citizens alike, and cited the entire situation as a “gross misunderstanding of children’s programming on basic cable.” Both groups have vowed to fully cooperate with the Department of Homeland Security, Mathnet, and the Doozer’s Union to resolve this matter in a swift, professional manner.