Codependent Collegian

Left: Calderone in his OSU office

(Columbus, OH) Ohio State economics professor Scott Calderone, never a fan of undergraduates, said that he is looking forward to the holiday break.

"Thirteen days, eleven hours, and forty-seven minutes until that last jerkoff turns in the rumpled scrap of paper he is praying gets him a D-minus," he said, checking his watch. "And then I am not coming near this shit-hole for three weeks. Hippity-hip hooray."

Calderone said that his "tolerance for idiocy" has dipped to an all-time low this term.

"Normally I just listen to the bullshit student excuses and pleas for mercy with an empty smile, knowing that if I say nothing they will leave my office that much faster," he said, fists balling up under his desk. "But this semester I really wanted to hurt some of these fuckers. I wanted to hit this one guy so hard that his kids would inherit the bruises."

The view in the OSU hallways from Calderone's eyes is grim

Luckily, said Calderone, he has been able to plan ahead with his grading.

"By this time the final exam cannot significantly change a student's final grade much, so I am just going to enter grades one step higher than their current averages," he said. "The A students always do A work, the F students haven't got a chance, and everybody else does slightly better than they thought. Its win-win-win, and I'm on vacation nine minutes after finals."

Guest editorial by Skyler Phillips, pimpin' extraordinaire

Listen up: I see you over there at the light, thinking you're all bad and shit. You're all about your 2006 whatever-that-is.

But my pimped-out 1991 Honda DX will totally take your POS car off the line. POS, case you didn't know, stands for "piece of shit."

As in that ugly-ass machine you are holed up in.

Yeah you, punk. I hear you revving that engine, and I must say I am unimpressed. About all you representin' in that is, like, your momma's book club or something.

This baby's got Brembo Cross drilled rotors, Kuhmo Ecsta Supra 712's - gotta love dat chrome - and a Ractive short ram intake with 2-1/4" custom exhuast.

We're talking 5 speeds worth of love, y'all.

Plus, I gots ground control coilovers, Neuspeed front upper strut bars, and I just added a Tien SS suspension, along with a Trust cat-back exhuast system.

Yeah, look at your pitiful ass, pretending like you don't even see me. Well, I know you hear me, 'cuz I gots a Pioneer DEH-P7500MP with an additional Profile AP2000 amp in back.

Green light? You'd better run, bitch. Good thing I was rolling this blunt and you got the jump on me, or you would've been left behind like a used piece of Kleenex.

A-i-i-e-e-e-et! We out!

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Hawkins: Hopelessly attempting to assimilate

(Toledo, OH) First-year University of Toledo chemistry major Rich Hawkins - a native of Edmonton, Alberta - thought his first holiday break would provide him with ample time to rest, recuperate, and relax after a grueling series of midterm examinations and other elaborate semester projects.

Being Canadian, however, Hawkins failed to recognize that all of his roommates would abandon him for quality time with their families for the Thanksgiving holiday, and would enjoy endless mounds of turkey, stuffing, and genuine holiday cheer while he shuffled aimlessly about their small apartment on Monroe Street.

“This totally sucks, eh,” remarked Hawkins as he slowly stirred a lukewarm bowl of ramen noodles. “I thought me and the guys would catch the new Bond movie, have a few Labatts, even play some street hockey. Now I’m spending five days alone with M*A*S*H re-runs and pizza boxes.”

Hawkins hoped that an unplanned call home to his family in Edmonton would brighten his spirits, but it proved to be yet another ironic disappointment.

“It only made matters worse, eh,” Hawkins huffed. “My sister’s now dating an American G.I., so they’re having their first Turkey Day this year. Thing is, mum doesn’t even eat turkey. She hates it more than moose steak. At this rate, they might as well root for the Mighty Ducks and drink Coors Light straight from the can.”

And where can a guy find a decent tuque in Toledo?

Pushing up the sleeves of his lumber jacket in the brisk November wind, Hawkins vowed to press on despite his problems.

"Fuckers even had the hydro turned off before leaving," he muttered, referring to the electricity in the apartment. "But it's a helluva lot colder in Deadmonton, so they better think again if they think I'm going to bothered the cold. I was fucking born on a Pacific ice floe, hoseheads."

Left: Mitchell is "disgusted on many levels"

(Ann Arbor, MI) University of Michigan law student Curtis Mitchell says that he keeps a clean dorm, but is not quite a "neat freak."

"I just like to keep my belongings orderly and my space looking decent, nothing too special," he told Codependent Collegian reporters. "But what Josh did to my room might never be fixed."

Mitchell said that dorm acquaintance Josh Kirkwood stopped by a few hours ago, and left behind an unwanted gift.

"He came in here, kicked off his nasty Jordans, and the foot funk hit me straight away," said Mitchell, shuddering at the olfactorial recollection of rancid feet. "I was all like: 'Yo - get that shit right out of here,' but the damage was already done."

Left: The source of the persistent stench is Kirkwood's feet

Mitchell said that "stank particles" seem to have fastened themselves to his carpet.

"I've tried everything: baking soda, Carpet Fresh, Lysol - my room has been permanently fouled," he said, looking down at the odoriferous floor covering. "It's like the dude hadn't washed his feet or socks in six months. I mean - that kind of shit is just wrong, you know?"

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Trotter dons doo-rag, rambles about “love”

(Carlisle, PA)—Junior English major Jeff Trotter has endured a loathsome reputation as a stoned, hapless slob during his three years at Dickinson College, where word travels fast among these 2,400 resident students nestled deep within the pastoral beauty of central Pennsylvania.

All of this changed, though, when Trotter took a creative writing class this fall. He slowly began performing at open-mics and talent shows, and has now seen such a vast improvement in his social life that he is, according to one source, “getting more ass than a war latrine.”

“I don’t know how that skinny fucker does it,” remarked roommate and arch-nemesis Greg Jones, who is a starting point guard for the Red Devils. “He’s never played sports, buys all of his clothes at Goodwill—until last spring had acne so bad that his nose looked like a chili pepper. Now he’s bagging three chicks every weekend.”

Not all of Dickinson’s enrollees share Jones’ contempt, however.

“There’s no doubt about it—Trotter is a dreamy, androgynous apparition,” boomed Vicky Wade, a second-year biology major and waitress at the local coffeehouse. “I saw his first performance in October and was totally smitten. It didn’t matter that he only lasts two minutes in bed, either — it was like making love to Keats. Well, if Keats had a thimble-dick.”

Left: Cappucino and Trotter's lyricism at a local coffeehouse

Codependent Collegian reporters attended a recent Trotter performace Sunday night. The young bard approached the microphone head down, and then stared directly at the three young women up front:

The other day
(not today)
I read a poem that someone wrote about love.
Love.
It didn't really sound like a poem
it sounded more like crying
and it probably was, cuz it was so sad.
Love is as sad as the last kid picked for kickball,
except when it's not, but I'll never know love.

"Oh my God - it's like watching T.S. Wordsworth or something at work - Jeff's a total artist," said Meagan Hartwell of Carlisle. "And his sadness: it's...it's...really sad, you know?"

Left: Sorority sisters in hot lesbian sex

(Columbus, OH) Members of the Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority (Beta Nu Chapter) at the Ohio State University threw an insane party last night, and Codependent Collegian reporters were on hand to photograph the lesbian orgies, FFM threesomes, FFFF foursomes, and wild sex that ensued.

Attendees said that rarely has such spontaneous steamy college girl sex ever before been seen.

"Pretty much every type of hot sex you could imagine was here," said Paul Theisen of Delta Theta Sigma. "You had girl-on-girl sex, outdoor sex, shower sex - brother, it was epic!"

Left: Threesome with two Kappa sisters and a lucky frat man

Sister Amie Icaviglia said that the Kappa members are very open to lesbian sex, and provided tips for newbies.

"It all begins with fantasy, because if you’re ready to sleep with another chick, you must have already thought about it," she said. "Find out what those thoughts are first: does she throw you down on the bed and have her way with you, or do you go skinny dipping in your backyard pool? There’s a saying, you must imagine it before you can do it."

Left: Two Kappa sisters in the 69 position

Dozens of Kappa sisters disrobed near the end of the night in what male witnesses described as a "massive sex-off."

"Dude - it was like nothing I had ever seen before. Chicks having sex with chicks, threesomes, foursomes - just crazy sex everywhere!" enthused Eric Patterson of the Alpha Gamma Sigma fraternity. "I'm just glad your photographers were able to capture all this wild coed sex for posterity - it was definitely a once-in-a-lifetime orgy."

Editor's note: Complaints from some of the photographed hot coeds forced Google to censor these pictures. The Codependent Collegian apologizes for this inconvenience, and hopes to resolve this temporary censorship through the legal system in order to bring you more hot college girl sex.

Guest editorial by Derrick Lingenschnauffer

Dear Mother Earth,

Did it hurt when I shit so mightily? Yesterday when I dumped two-pounds of partially digested cheese curds into your delicate ecosystem, I thought I heard a whimper. It may have just been my imagination, but it sounded like you were in pain.

When I left the hiking trail to relieve myself, I planned to commit a natural act. Until yesterday, I believed the adage about "when nature calls". But woe is you, Mother-Nature, for what I left behind was wholly unnatural and appalling. The granola-studded mass that lies there festering will likely taint the soil, foul the air, and ruin the day of any man or beast that makes its acquaintance.

It was not an easy task; to unleash this thing took every ounce of my being. But there, in the sanctuary of your great forest, with my back pressed against a tall loblolly pine, I triumphed. In an instant I saw endless mountain peaks, deep valleys, and rapidly moving water. But there amongst it all, is my massive reeking dairyturd. So you see, Mother-Nature, my problem has now become yours. And I ask you: did it hurt when I shit so mightily?

(Sault Ste. Marie, MI) Josh Yardlee, a sophomore living in Lake Superior State's Moloney Hall, has a confession to make.

"Yes, it's true - I piss right in the shower. So what?" he asked Codependent Collegian reporters. "I pay these outrageous dorm fees, on time, so I ought to be entitled to a few liberties."

Yardlee said that the concern expressed by his roommates over his affinity for "tub tinkling" is unfounded.

"Listen - in cases of urinary tract infection, the urine will contain bacteria, but otherwise urine is sterile and nearly odorless when it leaves the body," he asserted. "Urine has also been used as an antiseptic. In times of war, when other antiseptics were unavailable, urine was used on open wounds to kill bacteria. So, [roommates] Kevin and Pete can just bite me."

Left: Yardlee believes his shower piss should be the least of peoples' septic worries

Yardlee also went on the offensive about "disgusting habits" exhibited by those with whom he dorms.

"As far as Kevin goes, I just have two words: SKID MARKS," he said of the suspicious stains on his roommate's underwear. "And with all the spooge Pete is pumping in the shower with his plank-spanking, he is hardly in a position to criticize me."

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Left: Cooper, stoned “right out his fucking gourd,” experiencing a vivid buttercup hallucination

(University, MS)—The Phi Beta Kappa fraternity at Ole Miss has always had a reputation for raucous, outlandish behavior, and the 2006 academic year has been no exception.

However, now that midterms have passed and final exams are looming, the Phi boys have now seen their partying and chronic inebriation rise at the same alarming rate as their stress levels. And perhaps no member of the frat has shouldered this burden more than Cooper, AKA “Sir Trips-A-Lot,” the frat house’s excitable and friendly four-year-old collie.

“I’ve never seen a creature ingest more foul shit in my entire life,” remarked Kyle Preston, 22, a senior psychology major. “That dog ate like, three hash brownies and lapped up at least four spilt beers, and was still able to walk. And brother, that was on a Tuesday.”

Preston also revealed that some of Cooper’s cerebral voyages were involuntary, but that such illicit experiments were conducted all in the name of science.

“Chuck [Vickerson] bought an ounce of some righteous Kind Bud last Saturday, so that shit was on,” remarked Preston. “We must have blown at least thirteen or fourteen bong hits right into Cooper’s face, plus we are pretty sure he wolfed down a couple of tabs of Ecstasy on top of that. I know that may sound cruel to some of your readers, but you should see what Cooper did, man — he got into my girlfriend’s paint set and went Van Gogh up in this bitch.”


Left: A paw-print masterpiece by Cooper

Only time will tell if Cooper’s artistic exploits will inspire the rest of the fraternity to explore their artistic potential on a level beyond mere hedonism.

“Normally we just get shit-faced and throw the TV remote at each other’s balls, but this amazing dog has made me rethink everything,” intoned Robert Muldowsky, 19, a sophomore and newly-admitted rush. “Maybe we should like, form a band or start writing poetry when we’re all whacked out. I mean, it’s not like we’re gonna study. Fuck that.”

Left: Not to be deterred from his goal

(Louisville, KY) The last time that Derek Ostermann attended his political science class was September 11.

"I remember it very clearly, because we were talking about all that World Trade Center stuff," he recalled, sipping a Mojito in his dorm. "Everyone was all like: 'I know exactly where I was when the plane hit the first tower,' and the professor was talking about politics and everything."

The University of Louisville freshman said that he should be "good to go" when he returns to class next week.

"I have been following the notes that [roommate] Kyle has been taking, although he usually falls asleep halfway through class," he said, acknowledging that he 'totally forgot' about the midterm and failed to turn in a required paper. "And we've got the textbook around here someplace for finals week. I'm thinking a low C, maybe a high D if I get a 100 on the final exam."

Left: The area of the dorm Ostermann has nicknamed "Study Central"

Ostermann believes that his "unconventional" approach to the class - Contemporary World Problems - will pay dividends at exam time.

"I'll be going into the test with a clean slate, you know? While everyone else has been, like, brainwashed, I'll bring a more 'real' take on contemporary world problems and shit," he said, looking over the course syllabus. "That will make my answers stand out from the rest of the pack. Professors - deep down - really appreciate a free thinker when one finally comes along."

(Washington, DC) Outgoing US defense chief Donald Rumsfeld said that he is "looking forward" to a less stressful life after six years in the Bush Administration.

"I love beer pong. It is by far my favorite activity to do while drinking beer," he said, slamming a cold one at a Georgetown University kegger. "I immediately started schooling these frat dorks in the fundamentals of the game. Soon after total domination I hit the best shot in the history of beer pong, banking one off that hot chick's forehead."

Rumsfeld said that he has been hearing about some "wild frat action" going on in the Greek community.


"My boy Yussef from Hampton came down and got us into the Kappa party at Greene Street on Friday night," he laughed, lining up for another shot. "Definitely didn't disappoint, a-i-i-e-e-et? Saturday my boy AK had the realest house party you will ever see. Must have been about 200 people out there, including Dante of Little Brother and Keyshia Cole, who showed up at about 3:15 AM. All I can say is: 'Get it poppin', y'all.'"

Rumsfeld said that he and some "cats from Kappa" plan to check out another bash tonight.

"All of us drunks plan to pile into the van, to be driven by the über-cool Ryan who deserves a hell of a lot more props than he's been given, and then head off to the hotel," he said, hitting a passed joint. "Dude, I am like, so totally fucked up right now - what were we talking about?"

(East Lansing, MI) After "10 weeks of administrative hell," Michigan State sociology professor Phillip Jenkins is ending his novel Wiki-textbook project.

"I had hoped to bring education to humanity and reduce the costs and other limitations associated with top-quality learning materials," he said, looking glum. "But the imbeciles in my classes just couldn't see the altruism behind the project, and spent most of their time trashing the goddamned thing."

Jenkins was especially peeved at entries made in the section on Post-industrial society.

"I designed the material to reflect that the dominant characteristic of post-industrial society is not just the shift away from property or political criteria to knowledge as the foundation of power, but the character of knowledge itself ," he said, crushing a half-smoked Newport. "But instead we wind up with a passage indicating that Kevin Federline is a 'trailer trash closet butt pirate.' I ask you - is there more compelling evidence of the decline of the modern higher education student?"

A "Wiki" is a collaborative collection of interlinked web pages, all of which can be visited and edited by anyone at any time. Jenkins said that, while he was initially attracted by the "intellectual commons" and "collaborative possibilities" of a Wiki-textbook, the project was doomed from the start.

"The fact that anyone can edit means that the assholes and knuckle-draggers can edit, too," he said. "That means the three smart students who sit up front will jsut go and buy the real text, while the rest of the class learns that Auguste Comte was 'like, this dude who was born in August and liked to bang nine-year-olds.' I say:'Fuck it.' It's back to basics next semester."

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Upton: None of his bittersweet Web victories count

(Alameda, CA)—Tim Upton, a sophomore at Patten University, recalls that his fondest memories from childhood are watching football with his father, when their beloved Raiders were stiff competitors in the AFC West and greats such as Marcus Allen and Bo Jackson donned the black and grey.

So it is a savage irony indeed that Upton—a decorated high school athlete and merit scholarship winner—must watch his 2-5 team endure the daily slander of pundits, commentators, and dreaded Chargers fans, especially now that his Madden 2007 franchise is 7-0.

“Dude, I trounced some kid from Colorado, like, 63-2 last night online,” huffed a depressed Upton as he scrolled through Raiders stats at ESPN.com. “But it was such a hollow victory. Not even 13 interceptions off Jake Plummer in the first half eased my suffering. These Raiders are worse than the ’04 Browns—and that was a shitty-ass team, my friend.”

Upton’s Raider-inspired malaise has resulted in decreased appetite and a general apathy toward his studies, and sadly, has even begun to adversely affect his close personal relationships.

“Tim stopped by last night when my roommates and I were really, really trashed,” remarked friend-with-benefits Anita Cheryl. “He could have fucked all three of us raw in the shower, but instead he kept ranting about Randy Moss. I watched him sulk across campus before passing out…I’m not sure, but I think he stopped to weep beneath a lamppost. That boy needs therapy.”

Left: The little stapler that could

(Austin, TX) Philosophy professor Lars Hendrikkson came into possession of a curious red stapler two years ago.

"Whoever was in the office before me left it here," he told Codependent Collegian reporters. "I'm guessing that person didn't realize the miracle-in-the-making that was occurring with this particular stapler."

The "miracle" that Hendrikkson described is the fact that he has never put staples in the device.

"And I do a fair bit of stapling: exams, papers, proposals," he said. "I'm not exactly as busy as, say, an office worker with it, but I should have had to resupply it some time, right? I mean, the thing only holds one row of staples. Of course, since I've never had to actually open it, who knows what's really inside it. Tell you the truth - this stapler kind of scares me."

Left: Lucky prof may never have to requisition staples again

Hendrikkson said that there are "historical and religious" parallels to his discovery.

"The obvious comparison is to the whole loaves and fishes deal that Christ had," he said. "But I'm not sure if I want to make that leap of faith yet. Plus, I might get stuck with a line of like 5,000 people wanting their papers stapled. Don't know if I can handle that kind of commitment, you know?"