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November 28, 2006

Opinion: My Pimped-Out Honda Will Totally Take Your Car off the Line

Car geek Guest editorial by Skyler Phillips, pimpin' extraordinaire

Listen up: I see you over there at the light, thinking you're all bad and shit. You're all about your 2006 whatever-that-is.

But my pimped-out 1991 Honda DX will totally take your POS car off the line. POS, case you didn't know, stands for "piece of shit."

As in that ugly-ass machine you are holed up in.

Yeah you, punk. I hear you revving that engine, and I must say I am unimpressed. About all you representin' in that is, like, your momma's book club or something.

This baby's got Brembo Cross drilled rotors, Kuhmo Ecsta Supra 712's - gotta love dat chrome - and a Ractive short ram intake with 2-1/4" custom exhuast.

Pimped-out Honda DX We're talking 5 speeds worth of love, y'all.

Plus, I gots ground control coilovers, Neuspeed front upper strut bars, and I just added a Tien SS suspension, along with a Trust cat-back exhuast system.

Yeah, look at your pitiful ass, pretending like you don't even see me. Well, I know you hear me, 'cuz I gots a Pioneer DEH-P7500MP with an additional Profile AP2000 amp in back.

Green light? You'd better run, bitch. Good thing I was rolling this blunt and you got the jump on me, or you would've been left behind like a used piece of Kleenex.

A-i-i-e-e-e-et! We out!

hahahahahahahahaha ha ha ha....*gasp* hahahAHAHAHAHAHA
Admittedly borrowed from the Best of Craigslist, but oh so appropriate:

Dear Honda owners,
I don't want to race you.

That's right, I'm un-interested in trying to challenge you and your faux supercar in a drag race between stoplights downtown. I don't know why you all feel the need to glare at me while the light is red. You don't have to change your grip on the steering wheel like its a pair of motorcycle handlebars, either. You especially don't need to rev your four-cylinder with its loud exhaust system because you might tempt me to want to race you.

I don't.

What really gets me, though, is with the abundance of similarly craptastic hondas out there, why do you want to race me? The way I figure it, you want to race everything in sight. My Jeep has less than 200 horsepower and the aerodynamics of a barn. However, I suppose the near-verticle air dam which is my windshield isn't neccesarily discouraging to someone who puts a god-damn wing on the back of a front wheel drive car. More downforce for the rear wheels then, eh? That way you can accelerate faster, right? Great work, dipshit.

But seriously. I don't get it. I don't ask you to go drive trails with me. I don't wave and say 'lets go haul ass through a mud pit'. Sure, I spend about as much time off pavement as you do on the track, but at least I can tell the difference between a race car and a 4x4. Does my Jeep look like a challenge or something? Do you and your honda friends get together and say 'Dood! I just beat that Jeep with the big tires and low gears! I'm so fast!'

The way I figure it, your car sucks so much, you can't beat any of the other Hondas, and sure as hell don't want to admit defeat. Instead of buying a genuinely fast car, you choose to get your rocks off racing easy vehicles in your piece of shit. Way to go, badass! I'm proud of you! Why don't we get together and beat up some kids later. I'll let you sucker punch a baby. It will be hard core.

Seriously, though. Please, please, the next time you see me, or any other non-challenging vehicle at a light, don't antagonize them and encourage them to 'race.' Instead, pull your head our of your ass, and realize that your hatchback is probably faster than a minivan, delivery truck, recreational vehicle, bicycle, u-haul, and other similar underpowered non/aerodynamic vehicles. Oh, and don't forget, you're probably faster than me, too.

Go play some more Gran Turismo, and quit being a jackass.

Thank you.
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