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November 25, 2006

Lonely Canadian Endures Emotional Pangs from Thanksgiving Break

College student from Alberta By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Hawkins: Hopelessly attempting to assimilate

(Toledo, OH) First-year University of Toledo chemistry major Rich Hawkins - a native of Edmonton, Alberta - thought his first holiday break would provide him with ample time to rest, recuperate, and relax after a grueling series of midterm examinations and other elaborate semester projects.

Being Canadian, however, Hawkins failed to recognize that all of his roommates would abandon him for quality time with their families for the Thanksgiving holiday, and would enjoy endless mounds of turkey, stuffing, and genuine holiday cheer while he shuffled aimlessly about their small apartment on Monroe Street.

“This totally sucks, eh,” remarked Hawkins as he slowly stirred a lukewarm bowl of ramen noodles. “I thought me and the guys would catch the new Bond movie, have a few Labatts, even play some street hockey. Now I’m spending five days alone with M*A*S*H re-runs and pizza boxes.”

Hawkins hoped that an unplanned call home to his family in Edmonton would brighten his spirits, but it proved to be yet another ironic disappointment.

“It only made matters worse, eh,” Hawkins huffed. “My sister’s now dating an American G.I., so they’re having their first Turkey Day this year. Thing is, mum doesn’t even eat turkey. She hates it more than moose steak. At this rate, they might as well root for the Mighty Ducks and drink Coors Light straight from the can.”

Canadian TuqueAnd where can a guy find a decent tuque in Toledo?

Pushing up the sleeves of his lumber jacket in the brisk November wind, Hawkins vowed to press on despite his problems.

"Fuckers even had the hydro turned off before leaving," he muttered, referring to the electricity in the apartment. "But it's a helluva lot colder in Deadmonton, so they better think again if they think I'm going to bothered the cold. I was fucking born on a Pacific ice floe, hoseheads."

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